WON'T SOMEBODY THINK OF THE CHILDREN

I fear for the future of our little ones.

I was introduced tonight the 5 newbies that make up the 2009 version of Hi-5 and it unsettled me.

Wasn’t it enough that we had to transition from Greg to Sam in the wiggles. And let me tell you Wiggles people, as lovely as Sam is, he’s not Greg and he just doesn’t wear the yellow skivvy with quite the same loveliness that our fearless Greg did. Sure we still get to wake up Geoff and watch Anthony become an Australian Body Building contestant, but well things have changed.

I digress.

The change in lineup means only one thing. The old Hi-5’ers are too old. That means I too am too old.

I mean when I first witnessed the Chinese torture method that is L.O.V.E. sung by the gang when I was in my mid 20’s, I wondered what the hell was going on? By my 6th watch, I was absentmindedly singing along. This progressed to purchasing it on Cd so we could get the goodness of the bunch on our travels as well.

Hi-5 drives me insane. So why am I mourning the change?

Because the familiar is comforting. The familiar is home. Nathan the crazy was my home. Well not my home but I could count on him to overexert himself and overact every move he made. I could count on him and his prematurely balding wiry/curly headed hair to take up my TV screen most mornings.

More importantly I could count on them at various times during all of my children's lives, to keep them entertained.

First to leave was Kathleen. The Asian Girl. The prettiest girl in my opinion. She was funky, smart and talked ALOT to Jup Jup.

If you have never seen Hi-5, then an explanation of Jup-Jup is difficult. Let’s assume Jup Jup the 4 legged purple octopus puppet is a male. He’s clearly a puppet – even to the target audience of children. He also sounds kind of deaf. The purpose of Jup Jup is to constantly steal shit and randomly shout his own name.

Kathleen got married and had a baby. She was replaced by a girl called Sun. Sun didn’t make the cut to the new generation.

Then came Tim. Tim was my favourite. During my lean years, I would have considered him a doable prospect. He had great arms, wasn’t mental like Nathan and had a uncanny ability to wear silver mesh singlets and still pull it off.

Tim’s departure came on the heels of having a bad motorcycle accident that basically screwed him up. Hard to the robot dance to Robot Number 1 when you can’t walk.

Then came Charli – Sweet, lovable - hawt Charli. Most dads watched Hi-5 because of Charli. And along came her announcement, she’s bailing this sinking ship man. She was off to host adult entertainment shows. Was channel 9 bringing back Dirtiest Home Videos? 20-1 Hot and Heavy moments? Either way, she’s been very notably absent since she quit.

After that was Kellie. Kellie was once engaged to Nathan. They once had a very public spat at the logies. It was fantastic there for a while. Wait on, no it wasn’t.

Kellie really showed us she was finished swinging her hips for the kids when she got her girls out for the every classy Ralph magazine. Sure, she's messed up some 4 year olds who inadvertantly glanced over dad's shoulder, but we have been left in no doubt - Kellie means business. If business means flashing your tits that is. She did however play an integral part in the dancing and the singing. North South East and West just wouldn’t have been the same.

Nathan. Nathan the Crazy. Nathan Foley. Last man standing. He wasn’t going down without a fight. Ok, well he was, he just didn’t know it. Reportedly, he was the last to know he’d been replaced by a younger, better looking, lesser paid, more stable guy. For all of his over-acting, ridiculously overextended moves, Hi-5 was Nathan and Nathan was Hi-5.

So they’re gone. Lauren, Casey, Fely (dont’ even start me) Tim and Stevie are the new Hi-5.
Cute. Wait til they hook up and it all goes south.

All new parents who have children now will only know the new version and they’ll no doubt appreciate the fact they are relieved of parenthood. Just for those few fleeting moments when their child gets engrossed by the fun times and hidden subliminal messages that no doubt include – channel 9 is cool – but it’s like the 80’s. It can’t be redone. So stop wearing bubble dresses and hoop earrings people.

The original is always the best.