THE BOLD AND THE BOTOXED.

I caught up with my good friends Brooke and Taylor this afternoon. Ridge too made an appearance, though not for long because Brooke told him to leave. Well actually she told him to “get the hell away from me” Kinda awkward. Good thing, his mum Stephanie was there to passive aggressively calm everyone down.

It’s not often I get to see them all these days, with working and all, but it doesn’t seem to matter because the same scenario or a very close variation always plays out.

If you haven’t yet cottoned on, I am of course not talking about my real friends here. The friends I have, possess faces that emote expression and don’t live in Santa Barbara running, and I use this term loosely, Fashion Houses. That’s right; I’m talking about the daytime soap that is: Bold and the Beautiful.

If you have never seen Bold and the Beautiful, you are doing yourself a total injustice.

Originally it started off all about the fashion. Sally Spectra and Forrester Creations in a furious fashion war. These days it’s more about the intricate family tree and the writers desperately trying not to inadvertently have brothers and sisters sleeping each other.

In the old days though, it was about Sally Spectra and Stephanie Forrester.

Sally Spectra was a sight to behold. She of the red bouffant hair, the manlike voice and features had the cunning of sewer rat. Darlene Connolly gloriously played her until she passed away. Stephanie is the Forrester matriarch. Having married and divorced Eric numerous times, she still would kick any of those young little hussy’s butts any day of the week. And she often does.
Sally and Stephanie were arch enemies. And if Sally were alive today, they would still be having stare off’s across a banquet hall corridor.

The best thing about B & the B is that you essentially need to know so little. It’s not like Home and Away, where there’s a new cast member every week to replace the one that got blown up in the previous weeks catastrophic event.

You just need to sit back and expect to see the following:

Ridge: Ron Moss plays the delightful manwhore Ridge,who at any one time will be screwing either Taylor or Brooke and staring at the back of one of their heads from the far side of the room. He achieves all of this whilst deftly arching his eyebrow and wearing oddly placed scarves.

Thorn: Ridge’s brother. I know right? Ridge, Thorn, what sort of weird arse drugs were Stefanie and Eric Forrester taking when they named these boys? “Hey I know my darling, let’s lead these guys into lives of eternal ridicule. We shall call them Ridge and Thorn”. Thorn is not nearly as much good value as Ridge. He’s bordering on normal. Sure he and Ridge take turns in sharing and marrying Brooke, but he doesn’t have the stare perfected nor does he seem to ever be any woman’s first choice.

Brooke: Resident bike. Brooke is now the longest running member of Bold and Beautiful. She’s been around. To her credit, she hasn’t gone nuts on the Botox. She has though, had more children to more men that I can even begin to gather information about, even having children with her ex-husbands son effectively making them, ok wait, this is doing my head in, I can’t even work out what sort of inter-breeding fucked up relatives that makes them. Last I saw Brooke, she was telling Ridge to “let her go” and go back to Taylor. Then she went out the door and sobbed, really loudly. I was waiting for them to yell out “We can hear you Brooke; for Christs sakes, take it out to the car”.

Taylor: Hunter Tylo who plays Taylor is far more interesting than her character. In the show she’s had a history of being an alcoholic and murderer, but oddly enough no mention is ever made of her gigantic lips. Clearly addicted to Botox in real life, she has also had her fair share of plastic surgery and that’s what makes her so fascinating. I just can’t help but ask every single time I watch “What in the fuck is going on with her face?”

I cannot explain how or why this essentially poorly made daytime soap continues to keep people watching. It just does. It’s ridiculous, absurd and just what viewers obviously need to zone out to at 4:30 every afternoon. Channel 10 tried a 6pm timeslot. Programming fail. What they didn't realise, was that nothing else is on at 4:30 and therefore Bold and the Beautiful is still better than nothing.

Don’t they know? Don’t try to fix what’s not broken. Unless it’s Taylor’s lips and then for the love of god, pull the pin on those suckers.