Mum went home today, just for a couple of hours whilst we cleaned out her house. It gave her the opportunity to stop pretending she will be returning there.
Mum to date, will have lost at least 12 kilos. Not much left when you only start at 65kgs. She gets exhausted walking from the lounge room to the washing line. Which of course, she insisted on doing while she was back home. Washing all her clothes, hanging them out, making herself a cup of tea (the total amount she ingested all day) and pulling palm fronds off the palm tree out the back.
No amount of “sit down and relax” would subdue her. We were warned about taking her home to her house. About the effect it may have on her.
We knew this but she wanted to go. She wanted to have her last bath in the bathroom that has been her home for the last 20 years. She wanted to make her last cup of tea and look out the window at the same view that has been hers for as long as she could remember.
But even she admitted today, she could not have come home and been independent. And that must have really hurt.
And, as far as I can tell, Mum has given up. I kind of knew this, but after a discussion today with her nurse, one who I see a lot and is very caring, I started to admit to myself that the mind is the ultimate downfall.
After enquiring about the fact that mum is no longer eating, she said to me very matter of factly “Well, you’re mother is giving up”.
I don’t want her to. I want her to be hearty and full of willfulness and just well, enjoy the time she has left.
Our family has had a bit to do with depression in the last couple of years. It’s hit extremely close to home. Too close.
I think I’ve always been the “suck it up” variety of person. I’ve often said I don’t have the luxury of being depressed and not able to “get on with it”.
When you break your finger you go to a doctor and they fix it. When you split your head open, you go get stitches. That sort of illness I can see. That sort I can believe.
What happens when your mind is no longer well? It is so incredibly frustrating not being able to fix something that doesn’t appear, on the outside, to be broken.
My husband, some years ago, totally out of the blue, told me he was incredibly sad. Then he started to cry. And he cried. And cried. And I went inward, motherbear like. I had two children. I had to think of us. He told me he was depressed and nothing much meant anything to him.
I just couldn’t fathom why a strong, lovely man with two healthy children, a wife who loved him, who had a house, a job, friends and no financial struggles (more than any other young family with a modest mortgage) would suddenly feel he could no longer go on.
It made me angry. It made me want to run. It made me turn into a mother bear where all I cared about were my children and what was best for them.
I like most people not touched by mental illness or ignorant to it, just couldn’t or didn’t want to understand.
But I had to. And I had to understand fast. See there appeared to be no catalyst as to this change. We didn’t have any tragedies. We weren’t suddenly faced with a challenge to life as he knew it.
What he did do though was take some pills to stop his untested stomach complaint. Which, upon further investigation, we discovered, wipes out the bad stuff, ie the bad bug in his stomach but also pretty much zapped his serotonin. I was about to realise serotonin was pretty important in life. It ‘s your happiness. And his was gone.
That coupled with saving a complete stranger who was knocked out by his surfboard, whilst being the only guy surfing with him one early morning, culminated in this, what can only be described as a maker or breaker or our marriage.
The surfer survived, was a paraplegic and went back to teaching, but has never once contacted my husband to thank him. My husband didn’t want a ticket tape parade, he didn’t want anything. But I did and I would like to think that if someone saved my life, I’d at least have them over for a BBQ to say thanks.
Long story short (really? It’s been pretty fucking long so far, I hear you saying) we worked through it. It took years. I had to regain my respect for him. I know that’s not right or fair, but that’s the way it was. I still flinch when I hear the word depression. I still associate bad times with depression. We have two more close associations with Depression in the last two years. For one person, it appeared to be from nothing. For one, it was from losing everything. What I was though was more understanding. I hope it appeared so anyway.
So what does this have to do with my mother dying of cancer? Everything.
Your mind is so important. If you don’t have it, you have so very little. Even though her body was failing on her, I guess I thought she as a person would remain the same.
My mother has never been one to dwell on stuff. If shit happens, her motto was “you get over it and stop whining” This is not an ideal way to live life, not by any stretch, but sometimes self-pity and pandering is also a waste of time.
So I guess the happy medium is to have compassion. To try to understand depression and don’t be too hard on yourself if you can’t.
As far as mum goes, all we can do is tell her we love her, we want her around and to keep going. We still need her yet.
Mum to date, will have lost at least 12 kilos. Not much left when you only start at 65kgs. She gets exhausted walking from the lounge room to the washing line. Which of course, she insisted on doing while she was back home. Washing all her clothes, hanging them out, making herself a cup of tea (the total amount she ingested all day) and pulling palm fronds off the palm tree out the back.
No amount of “sit down and relax” would subdue her. We were warned about taking her home to her house. About the effect it may have on her.
We knew this but she wanted to go. She wanted to have her last bath in the bathroom that has been her home for the last 20 years. She wanted to make her last cup of tea and look out the window at the same view that has been hers for as long as she could remember.
But even she admitted today, she could not have come home and been independent. And that must have really hurt.
And, as far as I can tell, Mum has given up. I kind of knew this, but after a discussion today with her nurse, one who I see a lot and is very caring, I started to admit to myself that the mind is the ultimate downfall.
After enquiring about the fact that mum is no longer eating, she said to me very matter of factly “Well, you’re mother is giving up”.
I don’t want her to. I want her to be hearty and full of willfulness and just well, enjoy the time she has left.
Our family has had a bit to do with depression in the last couple of years. It’s hit extremely close to home. Too close.
I think I’ve always been the “suck it up” variety of person. I’ve often said I don’t have the luxury of being depressed and not able to “get on with it”.
When you break your finger you go to a doctor and they fix it. When you split your head open, you go get stitches. That sort of illness I can see. That sort I can believe.
What happens when your mind is no longer well? It is so incredibly frustrating not being able to fix something that doesn’t appear, on the outside, to be broken.
My husband, some years ago, totally out of the blue, told me he was incredibly sad. Then he started to cry. And he cried. And cried. And I went inward, motherbear like. I had two children. I had to think of us. He told me he was depressed and nothing much meant anything to him.
I just couldn’t fathom why a strong, lovely man with two healthy children, a wife who loved him, who had a house, a job, friends and no financial struggles (more than any other young family with a modest mortgage) would suddenly feel he could no longer go on.
It made me angry. It made me want to run. It made me turn into a mother bear where all I cared about were my children and what was best for them.
I like most people not touched by mental illness or ignorant to it, just couldn’t or didn’t want to understand.
But I had to. And I had to understand fast. See there appeared to be no catalyst as to this change. We didn’t have any tragedies. We weren’t suddenly faced with a challenge to life as he knew it.
What he did do though was take some pills to stop his untested stomach complaint. Which, upon further investigation, we discovered, wipes out the bad stuff, ie the bad bug in his stomach but also pretty much zapped his serotonin. I was about to realise serotonin was pretty important in life. It ‘s your happiness. And his was gone.
That coupled with saving a complete stranger who was knocked out by his surfboard, whilst being the only guy surfing with him one early morning, culminated in this, what can only be described as a maker or breaker or our marriage.
The surfer survived, was a paraplegic and went back to teaching, but has never once contacted my husband to thank him. My husband didn’t want a ticket tape parade, he didn’t want anything. But I did and I would like to think that if someone saved my life, I’d at least have them over for a BBQ to say thanks.
Long story short (really? It’s been pretty fucking long so far, I hear you saying) we worked through it. It took years. I had to regain my respect for him. I know that’s not right or fair, but that’s the way it was. I still flinch when I hear the word depression. I still associate bad times with depression. We have two more close associations with Depression in the last two years. For one person, it appeared to be from nothing. For one, it was from losing everything. What I was though was more understanding. I hope it appeared so anyway.
So what does this have to do with my mother dying of cancer? Everything.
Your mind is so important. If you don’t have it, you have so very little. Even though her body was failing on her, I guess I thought she as a person would remain the same.
My mother has never been one to dwell on stuff. If shit happens, her motto was “you get over it and stop whining” This is not an ideal way to live life, not by any stretch, but sometimes self-pity and pandering is also a waste of time.
So I guess the happy medium is to have compassion. To try to understand depression and don’t be too hard on yourself if you can’t.
As far as mum goes, all we can do is tell her we love her, we want her around and to keep going. We still need her yet.
18 comments:
I'm so sorry to read Bern, that your mother has given up. Life is too precious for that - you and I know this. It must've been awfully heartbreaking to see your Mother go through this; her last visit home.
Serotonin is very important, this I have always known for some reason. If I'm ever feeling a little down, a good stroll outside usually does the trick - I encourage my daughter to do the same if she doesn't seem herself.
Hey Bern,
Once again tears fell while reading your blog - your honesty is refreshing and I hope this provides an outlet for you. My thoughts are with you during this time and thanks for bringing the big bad depression out of the closet - it is about time it is more widely talked about. Wx
Am typing this through tears. I have felt the effects of depression in a partner (and had a brush with it myself). I too felt like maybe I didn't react the best way (your 'motherbear' description is perfect). Thanks for sharing your thoughts - and being so honest.
Depression is a vacuum. That's the best way I can describe it. And once it sucks you in, it takes a hell of a lot of effort to crawl your way out through all the rest of the crap you're sitting next to.
I have been through the thick of it and the thin of it and god knows I have my days. I've never really looked at it from the outside in - I think I'm going to give this to my partner to read :).
xS
Tears. Lots of them.
Wishing strength to you and your mum (and your hubby). Depression is a real, hard and terrible disease - made all the harder by the lack of physical symptoms. Unfortunately this in no way detracts from the suffering experienced. Maybe your mum can be put on anti-depressants to try and lighten her load just a little in what is a very dificult time.
Thanks for all the very lovely and thoughful comments.
SP - Yeah she has been, but unfort I think they take a while to kick in and I think they may be making her feel sick (along with the other 25 drugs they have her on).
She was OK today.
Agreed Depression sucks balls. For the victim, for the support people.
Next post will be more "up" methinks. ;D
doesn't have to be if you're not feeling it, Bern ('up' i mean). know that those of us reading admire you for your honesty and your ability to put what you're (we're) feeling into words. depression and its good mate anxiety touch far more of us than we'd like to think. well done, you, for putting it out there.
*hugs*
sadly, anti-dep take 2-6weeks to really start working. I've been on a few anti-dep meds and the one I'm on now made me feel ill for the first week.
I've been on both sides.. my own depression and my Mum's.
Depression really sucks balls for the support people... It's so hard to watch someone, especially a parent, lose their drive and motivation to keep going. (that's why I was 'mini mum' as a kid)
Thanks for putting that out there MK and the info about how long it takes and how it made you feel sick. That makes me feel, oddly better that she may still settle in and feel better sooner rather than later.
To everyone else, thanks again and it appears it has a place in everyones lives, either both directly or indirectly.
I'm so sorry Bern.
This is beautifully written, your love and sorrow for your mum and your husband are clear to see.
(cupcakeoverdose) Hi, I already tweeted you a message of thanks. I'm not usually a big blog reader but I was compelled to read this. It was good to see the other side of depression and I thank you for writing this.
Adding you to my daily site list :)
Bern - I'm so sorry for all you have been through and still have ahead. Without detailing my experiences, I understand much of what you have written about here. More than once I have wondered why some of us have more challenges to face than others, but as annoying as the saying is, it truly seems that we are never given anything that is more than we can deal with...
The weight of your burdens says much about your strength and spirit as a person. Remember that...
Hi Bern - God you can write girl. I am breaking my heart over here. Illness very seldom brings us together & depression is the invisible beast of illnesses. It chews up everything in its path. Also, I remember well when someone I loved gave up & headed into that dark night. Actually, I think it means disengaging, moving into the light. But it took her away from me. We are the ones left behind, waving on the shore. We do still need them but they have a higher purpose in mind. It's so bloody hard.
Depression is such a 4D experience, it affects everyone in close proximity.
When the black dog gets hold of a man it can be so frustrating and draining for those around them. They can tend to be fairly self centered beings as it is and depression will render them unreachable.A paradox really as it is connectedness that helps to pull you out..
Women tend to take care of everything and everyone and keep soldiering on despite the downward spiral.They will give all before they give up.
Like your Mum
Two of my closest friends have had depression and one is actually bi-polar (I think that is how you spell it) which is basically manic depression I have always been like you just get on with it so it has been hard. But luckily we are all able to talk through our feelings and i am not shy about asking them questions. Definately compassion and understanding go a long way.
Thanks for following, I now am one of yours!
What an interesting perspective. I too have only known it from the one side: my side. Nearly destroyed me. The hardest part to understand is how you fix depression when it's happening to you.
If you break a leg, your mind tells you to go get help. If you break your mind, there is no safety net.
It's a cruel realisation.
Thanks Rick. Thanks for your share. I guess that was my biggest downfall, I couldn't understand what didn't appear real. I just wanted him (and Mum and everyone else) to get better. LIke can't we just fix this. But the mind has no quick fix. I understand a lot more than I did this time 5 years ago that's for sure. :) I also feel bad I was so oblivious to it all.
To all that are interested, she appears to be getting slightly better. Starting to eat and get up and walk around a little bit. All good positive steps.
Wow Bern, Thats so difficult, i can relate as the "suck it up and get on with life" and it would be so hard to hold fort with your husband and mother.
Going back a few years now, I had a real problem with anxiety which was leading into mild depression and panic attacks and I was so frustrated that it was happening to me. My parents are quite similar to your mum as the get over it and stop whining (which I think is a great quality to have).
It was a real struggle for me but i eventually had to change my mindset and way of thinking to get over it, they wanted me on drugs to help with the anxiety/panic attacks/ etc and I refused and decided it was mind over matter. I had to work to change my whole perspective, but I did it.
Its hard when the mind "gives up" , we've seen incredible things in this lifetime of what people can do when they put their mind to it. Especially when suffering with illness.
Sending love to the Coast for you and your family Bern ,
Tx
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