So the fuckstick neighbours have moved out. And I didn’t even realise.
If only they had applied such stealth to the way they lived their lives.
Let’s call the couple that used to to be our neighbours, Dazza and Shazza. Dazza and Shazza moved into the high-set house next door, around a year ago. They were a young couple in their very early 20’s and unfortunately we didn’t have the pleasure of getting to know them very well. This is more than likely due to our first interaction.
Daz and Shaz had a “house-warming” party. Or a riot. You be the judge. From my experience, parties usually end somewhere at worst, in the early hours of the morning. Oh no, this was a 24 hour event chock full of massive mufflered cars coming and going, unnecessary screaming and boys wearing hats perpendicular to their skulls. The ones you just want to slap right off.
Next day when they were still recreating the night before’s hilarity on their veranda, my husband walked on over and politely said “That’s not going to happen again is it?” half asking but mostly instructing. Shazza shook her head and implored that it was a one off. Shazza is clearly a bit shit at maths because they had no less than 15 events Corey Worthington would be proud to endorse in the following 6 months.
I became Mrs Mangel on a rampage. I found out which agency managed the house, I wrote to the owners direct, I called the cops (who, by the way, told us that unless someone was being hurt, there was nothing they could do). The agent told me they were living cleanly and she had never heard a party. Of course not dickhead! Unless you are doing drivebys at 4am, there's nothing to see!
It got to the point where I was so stressed out, I was imagining ways to make their lives a living hell to reciprocate the atrocious way they were treating our neighbourhood. One night I even did a walk-by egging. Except I threw the egg into the yard and it didn’t break. It just sat there. So the next day they no doubt woke up, walked down the stairs and wondered how in the fuck a whole egg had gotten into their front yard. Passive Aggressiveness is my speciality. Clandestine egging is not.
Amazingly enough they settled down one Sunday morning after being kept up all night listening to them yell and talk utter shit, I got out the ultimate weapon, Hot Potato by the wiggles. I played it full bore, directed at their open windows on repeat. And then we went out for the day.
So to be honest it kind of saddens me because they were just beginning to get the idea of how to be normal members of society and respect their neighbours. Please powers that be, just send us a normal family next time. One where I don’t have go Sunny Queen on their arse.