Thursday, August 11, 2011

SO LONG, FAREWELL, GOOD RIDDANCE





So the fuckstick neighbours have moved out. And I didn’t even realise.


If only they had applied such stealth to the way they lived their lives.


Let’s call the couple that used to to be our neighbours, Dazza and Shazza. Dazza and Shazza moved into the high-set house next door, around a year ago.  They were a young couple in their very early 20’s and unfortunately we didn’t have the pleasure of getting to know them very well.   This is more than likely due to our first interaction.




Daz and Shaz had a “house-warming” party. Or a riot. You be the judge. From my experience, parties usually end somewhere at worst, in the early hours of the morning. Oh no, this was a 24 hour event chock full of massive mufflered cars coming and going, unnecessary screaming and boys wearing hats perpendicular to their skulls. The ones you just want to slap right off.




Next day when they were still recreating the night before’s hilarity on their veranda, my husband walked on over and politely said “That’s not going to happen again is it?” half asking but mostly instructing. Shazza shook her head and implored that it was a one off. Shazza is clearly a bit shit at maths because they had no less than 15 events Corey Worthington would be proud to endorse in the following 6 months.




I became Mrs Mangel on a rampage. I found out which agency managed the house, I wrote to the owners direct, I called the cops (who, by the way, told us that unless someone was being hurt, there was nothing they could do). The agent told me they were living cleanly and she had never heard a party. Of course not dickhead!  Unless you are doing drivebys at 4am, there's nothing to see!




It got to the point where I was so stressed out, I was imagining ways to make their lives a living hell to reciprocate the atrocious way they were treating our neighbourhood. One night I even did a walk-by egging. Except I threw the egg into the yard and it didn’t break. It just sat there. So the next day they no doubt woke up, walked down the stairs and wondered how in the fuck a whole egg had gotten into their front yard. Passive Aggressiveness is my speciality. Clandestine egging is not.




Amazingly enough they settled down one Sunday morning after being kept up all night listening to them yell and talk utter shit, I got out the ultimate weapon, Hot Potato by the wiggles.  I played it full bore, directed at their open windows on repeat. And then we went out for the day.




So to be honest it kind of saddens me because they were just beginning to get the idea of how to be normal members of society and respect their neighbours. Please powers that be, just send us a normal family next time. One where I don’t have go Sunny Queen on their arse.

35 comments:

Al said...

hahaaha i do believe that is the ULTIMATE revenge!!

Sharpest Pencil said...

I am still laughing at your egging story and I read it 15 minutes ago!

I wish you Wiggle loving, quiet neighbours with a chicken perhaps who can lay her own eggs for the whole neighbourhood to enjoy

Amanda {My Life Badly Written} said...

Oh how awful - I have pretty good neighbours (fingers crossed) or maybe we are the nusience ones ha ha !!

Sam said...

I can relate! Our previous neighbours partied like kids on cordial for what seemed like, FOREVER. I wrote an anonymous letter asking whether they would kindly, Shut the F*** up, as it was Tuesday night and therefore NOT a socially acceptable party-on-for forever, night. Some people.

QuarterLifeCrisisGirl said...

HAHAHAHAHAHA
Best. Revenge. EVER!

Lucy said...

Haha I really like your blog. I have given you an award over at my blog. http://livingthelucylife.blogspot.com/2009/10/lovely-blog-award.html

So Now What? said...

Yep, sounds like an all too familiar situation.

SP, yep I get reminded quite often of my egging ability by a certain neighbour (I'm looking at your Mike) and we laugh.

Rick said...

Bah ha ha, the egging story is a classic. "Clandestine egging" is my new term of the month.
If only Humpty Dumpty could have been made of sterner stuff...

NG said...

I had similar trouble with neighbours who loved backyard BBQ's and 3am renditions of "Sweet Child O' Mine" at the top of their lungs. I let this slide for far too long to be a "good neighbour".

The day I found a broken glass BBQ sauce bottle in my yard (that had been thrown at my dog who quite understandly hated them) I declared war.

Being sandwiched between two rentals was a big factor in us selling at the peak of the market and taking our loot and running to somewhere quieter.

Oh, and on the second anniversary of us moving out I went back to the old neighbourhood, checked that they still lived there (they did) and I dumped some condy's crystals into the swimming pool - that purple stain will come out of your bond, fuckhead.

So Now What? said...

NG - Love it. Sucks that they can drive you out but. Some people just suck and slowly but surely I'm realising that they are everywhere :)

And Rick, I guess if they had a brain, they may have been wondering what was there first, the chicken or the egg.

MrsDesperate said...

Unlike your egg, I "cracked up" at your egging story! (Sorry, couldn't resist the pun). Don't you love it when the neighbours from hell move on? I hope only nice ones move in ....

The NDM said...

Walkby egging. Brilliant!

One set of neighbours courteously moved-in at about 2 o'clock one morning, with a huge moving truck and lots and lots of shouting. Turns out they were all shiftworkers and that was the only time they could all do the move. We haven't heard a peep since.

Better still, it also turns out that they are all teetotaling Muslim taxi drivers, so there is always lots of room in their recycling bin for all our empties. And the occasional free taxi ride. I really couldn't ask for better neighbours.

Hope you get some good ones.

Permanently twenty three said...

I love the idea of bad kid songs on repeat. Pure. Evil.

I would most certainly have picked a Hi Five CD though. That shit will never enter my house as long as I live.

jessicabold said...

Do you live in my neighborhood? Cause I think we totally have the same annoying-ass neighbors...AND cops who refuse to do their job...

http://www.booshy.wordpress.com

Pop and Ice said...

We had a really annoying neighbor, but then we moved and then found out HE moved only a few months later. We only moved 2 blocks away, but it has been the best move we made.

I hope your next renter neighbors are of the quieter persuasian.

Cerry said...

Our neighbours went overseas for 6 months (or 12 months, I don't remember any more), and rented the house out to one of their friend's sons, and his friends, who were uni students. They were actually quite nice people, who invited the whole street round for a house warming party the first weekend they were there. Aside from a few midweek parties, they didn't bother us much, although none of us appreciated Fergie being blasted at top volume during the day, let alone at midnight.
Their friends, however, were shit. They used to park their cars in the street, because there was nowhere else to park. Fair enough, except by "in the street", I mean "in front of our driveway, so we had to go and ask people to move cars if we wanted to get in or out", and it happened all the time. In the end, my brother and I started telling our friends "Don't park your car in our driveway, park it across the driveway in front of the house on the right." No one ever managed to park them in, but it's the thought that counts, right? Their friends were also not aware that if there was a slight breeze, pretty much anything they left on the balcony ended up in our yard, so we found everything from beer bottles to lawn chairs in our yard on the weekends.
It was SO nice when the owners came back from Europe, until their bloody dalmations remembered how to escape from the backyard again.

GourmetGirlfriend said...

Wiggle revenge= best ever .........GENIUS Bern, pure GENIUS! we are all breathing a collective sigh of relief for you.

offtoclimbamountain said...

Gold! Especially the 'clandestine egging'
Can't think of a neighbour story that comes close

Suz said...

I'd love to live next door to you :)

Maria Tedeschi (Mum's Word) said...

Passive aggressive egging. That wins the prize of the funniest, most weird shit I've heard today.

Well done Bern. I'm sure even The Wiggles would be proud.

Love & stuff
Mrs M

Sass said...

That reminds me of the ferals we lived next door to when we had the unfortunate experience of living in moronfield. About 15 people lived in the house (and most of them children) none of them ever went to school and would spend the day riding their bikes up and down the lane way between our houses practicing their swear words.

What baffled me the most was that they had the biggest back yard in the street, yet chose to spend their evenings having parties ON THEIR DRIVEWAY! They converted the garage into a damn bali hut equipped with BBQ, a disco ball and the biggest set of speakers you've ever seen.

We were on first name terms with the local cops and the day their stereo was confiscated for noise pollution was to this day the happiest day of my life.

Littlemissairgap said...

Does anyone remember the song "Doop" by the band Doop from the early-mid 90's? Basically it goes "Doop doop doopedy dopedy doop-doop doo" for about 4 mins. Well I did a similar thing to the Hot Potato torture to a neighbour once except I wasn't smart enough to put the song on repeat & then go out!
And that property manager you spoke to is wrong! Our previous tenants were keeping our neighbours up all hours with loud parties starting at 2 or 3am when they got home from a night out. When you sign a rental contract not only are you entitled to a quiet & peaceful enjoyment of the property & not be hassled by the landlord, you as the tenant are meant to also do the same. Our property manager issued several tenancy breaches because of the loud parties. Call the Residential Tenancy Authority if you get neighbours from hell again. My experience is most property managers don't know shit!

Littlemissairgap said...

Oh ... & NG, love ya work!

Denwise aka Denyse Whelan said...

Oh Bern... The egg just sat there! Too funny. Wonder if they looked up to see if there was a flying chook!
Our neighbors have been mixed - back & one side. Noisy but usually within reasonable limits.
The NEIGHBOURHOOD community centre is our biggest neighbor & for some of the functions held I have my phone on speed dial for the coppers. Then I write really articulate emails at 2am to The Mayor, the Council & The management group. In fact, It is quite improved now with user compliance....but at times its awful. Loud Indian Music is worse than doof doof!

Twitchy said...

So 'why *did* the chicken cross the road?'

To delicately lay an egg on the front lawn of the noisy neighbours, juuuuust to piss them right off. Or deliver breakfast. Chicken protest. That'll learn 'em.

More Bern Gold. Love it. x

Smudgeblurr said...

Hey Bern,
Great Post!! Love the Wiggles revenge - and the condys crystals revenge of another poster!! I had the neighbour from hell in Ipswich - surprise surprise I know and he used to play computer games all day and night and the bass was so loud it would shake my HOUSE!! I sold up and moved after I had mowed his lawn without a catcher on my open house day as he hadn't done it for months!! His dog broke down my fence and killed one of my lovely chooks so maybe i should have egged him as well!!
Wx

emjay said...

how can the cops say that there's nothing they can do? noise restrictions, anyone? if they are making huge noise after 11pm at night, they are breaking the law.

i've called the cops several times on a group of 'people' that like to spend all night having parties in the public park across from my apartment. the cops can't tell them to leave, but i can annoy them (the cops and the dickheads) by ringing the cops every time they do it. and i will, too.

@9inchheels said...

Omg!! We have the EXACT same issue with our neighbours only ours are 50+ Yrs old and their weapons of choice are the beach boys played very loud, clearly far too many chardonnays and laughing like hyenas until they inevitably pass out. I even went as far as digging out the wiggles to play on full ball like you did but our shithouse speakers only made it unbearable for our dogs and us. They didn't even hear it. So next time they put on California girls so loud that those on mars will hear it I will contemplate the egging strategy!

Anonymous said...

My neighbour (down the road a bit) went next door to ask his neighbours to keep the noise down and ended up being attacked by a mob!

$10000 worth of reconstructive surgery later he still has no feeling on the right side of his face.

Be careful who you approach!

Michelle

Jayne said...

Bern, you're not supposed to boil the egg before you throw it ;)

We've called the cops a couple of times this year for parties that have spilled out of the cul-de-sac opposite us and onto our lawn. Same yoofs who spin their wheels on the wet roads and do donuts when the kids are outside. Gah!

Tatterededges said...

I love it! Hot Potato on repeat is the Ultimate revenge. I'm going to keep that in mind. We lived behind students once who had a band. For 6 months every Thursday night they rehearsed in their garage to a crowd of drunken friends. Hot Potato would have done their hangovers a world of good lol

bigwords is... said...

The vision of the egg just sitting there makes me giggle A LOT!! and yes, Hot Potato by the Wiggles would do enough to make anyone move out!! Good on you x

Maid In Australia said...

Hahahaha, Bern, you are priceless! The image of you actually throwing an egg at their house ... and then it not actually breaking. That is something I would do. Hope your next neighbours are shitheads.

bronnie said...

Holy crap, I meant AREN'T shitheads. Sorry ... Now I'm laughing even harder.

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