Sunday, December 13, 2009

Deck the Dacks with rolls of socks. Fa la la la

How many more sleeps? Do you know? Til Christmas I mean. Well I’m not going to be exact because quite frankly all that will do is scare the bejebus out of me. I have still done zero shopping. Zero.

Today, after I suggested it, we decided to take photos of the 7 grandchildren to then transfer onto a canvas for a lovely Christmas Gift for the Grandparents. Great in theory. Not so much in practice.

I’m sure my two sisters in laws were probably thinking I was insane to start with, but seeing as I’ve been a big fragile of late, decided to let the crazy lady have her way.

The problem being, none of the kids particularly wanted to take photos. It was hot as all shit and a stray kid from another family would just. Not. Piss. Off.

So in a lot of the photos is a suspicious looking Indian kid and seven children failing spectacularly to look and smile at the camera in unison.

How do professional photographers get this process so right? Do they have a substance that is to children what catnip is to pussycats? I tried the bribes of jellybeans and candy canes. That only gets you so far i.e. not far at all.

I had visions of free flowing white dresses fluttering behind the girls whilst they danced down the wooden planks onto the beach. There would be impromptu butterflies descending upon their noses while they Eskimo kissed and the boys would sit and man hug. All in glorious black and white montages that would copy gloriously onto to canvas.

Reality: We didn’t make it past the playground due to hot as shit day and my two boys who if weren’t wrestling, were busy trying to take each other out on the slippery dip. My nephew did not want one bar of our stupid “idea” and resolutely refused to get in any of the photos. I think in toddler speak he told me to shove my candy canes up my arse.

To top it all off, a guy dressed like Santa up top, i.e. Hat and beard and like a patriotic Warwick Capper down below, that is green and gold dicktogs, walked past the kids pushing a wheelbarrow of empty stubbies, presumably from the Surf Club. Disturbing, but probably not as disturbing as when my 3 year repeats the same sentence to the kindy teacher tomorrow morning. That is “Why Santa not wearing shorts today mum?”

All I can say is thank god for photoshop.


Aussie-waffler said...

Santa in green and gold dicktogs, pushing a wheelbarrow of empty stubbies, that image is hilarious and somewhat disturbing.

Angela said...

My visions of lovely family snaps usually end with me screaming at the children. Smile! Put your hands down! Let go of your doodle! Look normal! Smile! Like a normal person! Put your hands down! Let go of your doodle! Smile! Look happy! Look happy and normal at the same time! SMILE!!!
And I've only got 3. 7 at a snap? You're nuts!

salisburydowns said...

The funniest post and comments i've read in AGES Thanks Bernadette!

Jodie Ansted said...

We do a family Christmas shot each year, and we user a timer believe it or not, and actually, we've been lucky in that we've got the right shot pretty quickly.

Except for last year.

Took AGES, and the 5yr old's smile got more and more fake looking. We were close to giving up, when we started getting the kids to run to the tripod to check the shot, then run back to the rug for another go. We were laughing so much, that we ended up with a great shot. Like, an hour after we started.

We haven't done it this year. Too busy. Now we're on holiday, without the tripod, and all I need to produce my photo for the Christmas cards, it looks like it might be a group shot on my laptop! Seriously.

Feel your pain Bern. Feel your pain.

Sarcasm Fairy said...

I would of taken a photo of Dicktogs Santa for next year's Christmas card.. "Have a Beery Christmas!" (maybe just to give out to your friends with a sense of humor)

Nomie said...

This is why I buy christmas cards... we did photos once. You'd think with a hubby that works as a designer I'd be able to get excellent xmas cards with the kids smiling faces on them... but apparently my expectations are just too high... I too think a photo of Dicktogs Santa would be the way to go, or the work sheet with the sentence 'santa has a big sack' PERFECT!

h&b said...

For a start, I always tell the parents NOT in a play-park .. or there is ALWAYS some clueless unloved creepy child that wants to get in on the action.

I know some fab photog's up your way though, if you want some really awesome pics. We work frikken HARD for our money and those images, let me tell you :/

Life In A Pink Fibro said...

LOL! What the hell were you thinking? It's all well and good in theory, the descending butterflies and all the rest, but some things are best left to the pros. For shiz.

Thanks for Rewinding at the Fibro!

bigwords is... said...

great intentions!! I think a photo with the stray child and the santa and all the kids would have been hilarious! My husband's a photographer and even he reckons it's tricky, almost impossible, to get seven kids looking at the camera at once. too funny x

Maxabella said...

Oh Bern, you were hysterically funny as early as December 2009. This was such a crack up - you know I feel your pain!

Tim travels, you know. I would highly recommend it and you might even get a white dress that actually stays white in there (he comes very early in the day!) x