Thursday, December 3, 2009


So for something more, upbeat.

We are staying in Surfers Paradise. In the second week of Schoolies Week. Yep, let’s just say I’m a brain surgeon in the making.

This is day 5 and to be honest, it hasn’t been that bad. Sure getting into the lift on the first day where someone had spewed the contents of their stomachs onto the lift floor wasn't pleasant. This also lead to the children analysing the situation for the next 3 hours. “Was that ALCOHOL MUMMY?” “Did they just LEAVE IT there for someone else to clean up? Roger that kids. And that’s nothing.

Day two, after coming back from work, I got into the lift alongside about 8 schoolie boys. Their first question? “Are you single?” My response? “Um, boy’s I’m old enough to be your mother”. “So you wanna come for a party? To which I slowly turned, looked at their carton of midori splices and said “um, no I don’t drink girly drinks” Not perturbed, the one closest to me whispered into my ear “seen one of these before” to which he showed me his pubescent nipple. I replied "yeah actually I have, I have a 2 year old” and with that, we hit the 24th floor and out I popped.

What else? Well there is a fair bit of screaming, whistling and I’m embarrassed to say it, but almost choreographed chants going on outside. Jesus, did they the practice this shit before they got here?

Most important to note though is that being at schoolies gives the boy’s balls.

Standing at the traffic lights waiting to cross the road, I heard the following:
Two boy schoolies (no shirts – because they can) “Hey, check out these two” I immediately spy the two “ones” they are talking about. Two girls, short short shorts, blond, pretty and usually, not a chance in hell of them getting lucky with. I didn’t hear the initial line. I believe it was something to do with their phones. Well played boys - hit em where they care. Next thing you know they are discussing where they went to school, where they are staying and the parties they are going to attend that night.

See what I mean. Usually two good looking girls walking down the beach at Surfers would get lots of looks but no actual hits. That’s because extra super big balls aren’t gifted out in any other week during the year. But on schoolies week, these kids feel like they’ve got nothing to lose, everything to gain and their fear disappears.

If I wasn’t sure we were living the dream – from the balcony this morning, directly below us, we viewed all of the sun lounges, fashioned into the unmistakable shape of dick and balls. Shooting shall we say. Well done kids, some good old penis humour clearly spans the generations.

If I have one criticism it’s the fact that none of the punks move out of your way. They just stand. In packs. Blocking everybody. Um guys and gals, I’m pretty sure you were taught manners in respect during the last 13 years. Demonstrate it. Other than that, enjoy your time, get loose, get ready and suck down those midoris, because come next week, life begins and those balls, well, they return to normal.


MrsDesperate said...

Haha. Reminds me of my first time in Paris, where the view from the Eiffel Tower included a giant penis burnt into the grounds below. They don't tell you that stuff in the guidebooks...

Nomie said...

Oh dear! I cringe to think I was ever that cocky (metaphorically, obviously) But I'm with you, and it's not just at Schoolies... does it really hurt you to just share the footpath? I alway have a "TOWANDA" moment in my head at these moments!

Melody said...

Noice t shirt image there. Real noice.

Schoolies. Gotta love 'em. THey think that we've never done the stuff that they have done, don't they? Oh if only they knew...

Belle said...

You should have gone with the boys in the lift and drunk all their Midori's and showed them how it's really done!

Loved this blog Bern, and laughed out loud on several occasions.
I bet P has hated being around all those young pretty girls all week. Must have done his head in.

Hope you all had a great day for Jack's birthday.
See ya Monday

Rick M said...

Agree with Belle. I would have gone back to their apartment, injected their alcohol directly into my veins and then laughed when they whimpered with their early morning hangovers.

Oh, and let them keep their shirts off. My, my, I nearly crashed my car so many times driving down the GC Highway.

So Now What? said...

Hahaha, should have pulled some bagged icing sugar, pressed emergency stop and snorted it off the lift floor.

And Rick, I will certainly not be telling these kidlets to put their shirts on. Holy hell, where did they get the time to get so cut?

Belle - Yep Phil's been having a really hard time. So many boobies, such disinterested looks in his direction from the holder of said boobies.

Anonymous said...

love it bern!X jack

Jewels Diva said...


Need I say more.

Well, okay, their balls haven't grown, they have no hair and their nipples are like a new born babies.

Get real children, you have no idea.