Tuesday, December 15, 2009

JOB DESCRIPTION FOR A PARENT


I got sent this today and thought it was so very true.






POSITION : Mum, Mummy, Mama, Ma Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop
JOB DESCRIPTION : Long term, team players needed, for challenging, permanent work in an often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organisational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities! Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.





RESPONSIBILITIES : The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be a willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.






POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION : None. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you





PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE : None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.





WAGES AND COMPENSATION : Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more..







BENEFITS : While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth, unconditional love, and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right.






Here I would like to add, just personally I need to be able to read a crystal ball to work out what the fuck is up with my 10 year old any any given moment, to be a walking Human thesaurus for my 7yo's constant barrage of wanting to know the meaning of every single 2 Syllable word he hears and a ninja in training to outsmart the already very cunning 3 year old.


Any more to add?

8 comments:

Kallie said...

You forgot that the job position requires rudimentry medical skills along with more than a passing knowledge of infectious diseases. Also don't forget the position will require running sex-ed courses and you aforementioned crystal ball skills to predict when you must also prevent mishaps, missteps, misunderstandings and mistakes.

Sarcasm Fairy said...

Applicant must have endless knowledge in the fields of Science, Maths, Biology, English, Art, History or the ablity to make up answers to questions from such subjects.

No medical exam needs to be passed to apply. Your sanity is not needed as any sanity will be disposed of promptly.

Ha love this. I'd love to be able to write down all the skills I've required from being a Mum on my resume. I've got mad skills. No seriously.. I'm mad. :D

So Now What? said...

Mad Skillz - we haz them.

Seraphim said...

My life, so brilliantly summed up. Depressing and hilarious!

Princess Truelove said...

At the current point in my career I don't have much experience and long service leave is laughably far away...

so for the moment I'll add:
*the ability to speak a language for which there is no dictionary - babyspeak (my 18mth old is convinced that her every garbled utterance has been spoken with the diction and clarity of the Queen; and woe betide you if you didn't quite catch what she meant)

*Octopus-like arms to be able to comfort two (or more) crying children while cooking dinner/on the phone/ going to the toilet!

*Very quick thinking (on little sleep) for when asked curly questions such as "Why did God make the Joker?" or "Why did they build this toilet right here?"

Rick M said...

I'm going to have to decline this job. I got offered one that pays me, superannuates me and has holidays.

I'm not a mother Bern (and couldn't be if I tried, which is perhaps why they invented the term 'father') but this seems spot-fucking-on.

Can I have $5?

So Now What? said...

Octopus Arms - yes. Have been known to catch a falling glass whilst running backwards holding toddler by his ankles.


Rick, don't think you've sufficiently sulked to earn that five bucks just yet :P

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