Thursday, December 24, 2009


Sometimes I just have genius moments. Like the time I told my husband to grout the new tiles with white grout after he’d spent a day doing them in grey. I conceded about 4 days later, that he was probably right, white sucks and it shows up all the dirt. The love I could seeing growing in his eyes that day, well, let’s just say, it was a sight to see.

So too, my plan to allow the kids to try and get the special “Santa Key” (you know the one, the master key you leave out for Santa for access into houses with no chimney) into the lock to see if they had the same special powers as Santa. Turns out they don’t. They do however; have the ability to screw up the barrel of the lock with the magical Santa Key. Oh yeah, my husband could not get enough of me that year.

My most genius plan though is Christmas Eve. I only started this last year, but this plan has legs.

My plan is to do something so knackering that the kids will be passed out by at the very latest, 7pm. This plan just has to get up mainly because in another light bulb moment, I usually secure an item that requires some heavy duty assembling for Christmas day. Last year it was a 14ft trampoline. The love I saw emanating from him after he snapped the last of the 240 springs into place in the pissing down rain, just blew me away.

I’ve been kind this year, just two bikes. Easy peasy. I shall supervise from the wrapping section of the lounge room. I believe there will be beers.

Last year we took the kids to White Water World and the day panned out beautifully. A day when the sun feels like its 3 feet away from your skull and minimal queues. Oh and we cashed in frequent flyer points so it was free. Unless of course you count the cost of 80,000 points. So ok, it cost $80,000 last year but meh, semantics. We stayed for about 5 hours, the kids were putting themselves to bed by 7:30, even the biggest one.

This year started a little different. Let's just say, we had a minor crisis where the dog we are dogsitting who is old and completely deaf, went missing for a small amount of time which involved silent patrols of the street (not being able to yell out to a deaf dog and all) and a long visit to the pound, only to find her safe and well inside her own house following around the cleaner. Right where she should, be but Miss 10 forgot to tell us about returning her after a particularly fretful night the night before. Note to Nick and Jen - she is 100% OK although we thought Christmas was going to suck for a while there.

So Crisis over. Looks like we’ll be going to a theme park after all. I had the dodgy not for re-sale 50% discount from eBay for either White Water World or Dreamworld. The plan was White Water World, but the day looked dubious and the numbers had it for Dreamworld.

Unsure why it took, and I am not kidding, 30 minutes to get through the ticket booth when we only had 4 people in front of us. It could have something to do with the cashiers being ALL TRAINEES or the fact that the first lady brought some crap Internet printout that meant nothing to nobody. 10 minutes there. Then there were the group who consisted of 8. They decided to pay for each ticket individually, each ticket being paid for by a combination of cash, credit and then, savings. I shit you not. Then the next guy decided to work out when he got to the cashier if he was going to take them up on the second day and then deliberated with the other 5 people in his group. Nope, not going to take it today, but could we speak to the manager about the length of time it’s taken today. No dickhead, it’s taken this amount of time because tossers like you, just don’t get tickets, pay for them and move the fuck on.

Then we were in.
Nothing dramatic happened from then on in. We did the usual stuff a party of 5 do at a Gold Coast Theme Park. Spend ridiculous amounts of money on hotdogs, bottled water and photos of us being humiliated on vomit inducing rides.

Dreamworld was fun and tiring and to be honest, fairly quiet. Not many people about and I don’t really want the word to get out there, but apparently it is the best day of the year to go. People are too busy losing their minds in woollies to get to the theme parks.

So right now, after enduring the cyclone ride where my 10 year old literally wet herself in fear, (see picture above and please note the Japanese girl who looks like she is being attacked) to the ball pit where my husband was chastised by staff for machine gunning foam balls at 5 year old children, we have one child down for the count (after quite the substantial meltdown) and the other two not far behind.

We have the beer on the table as an offering to Santa (clearly Santa is blind by the time he makes it to Greenland) Tim Tams (random selection from the 10yo but let me tell ya, “Santa” is rather happy about this decision) and cherry tomatoes for the reindeer's. (I wasn’t on the ball with the carrot situation this year)

Some brain surgeon decided to put the Carols by Candlelight on at 8:30pm on Xmas Eve. Um 6:30 would be helpful. No really, you programmers clearly don’t have young children you need to have knocked out for the present preparation to begin.

So, as soon as the fat man arrives on Carols, the two eldest will be packed off, Phil will mysteriously disappear to the shed and I will bring him beer and Tim Tams 20 minutes after that. Sure it will be a long night, but the love in his eyes whilst wrestling with those rubber tyres will make it all worth it......


Sarcasm Fairy said...

Hahah how classic is that coaster photo. If your 10 year old is wetting herself.. then you're surely straining for the other reason.. haha. Sorry had to write it.

I'm off to set up a kids tool bench and wooden kitchen set. Ah the things we do for our kids. Where the fudge are my timtams!?

So Now What? said...

Oh you are so right SF - How have I not noticed that. But no, all good. No poops in pants - this time :)

Rick M said...

I. Am. Still. Laughing.

Belle said...

you crack me up Berna!!!! so frikken funny!!!

Alex said...

Ba ha ha ha. As an ex theme park employee the best time to go is before is too funny.

Merry Christmas.

A Farmer's Wife said...

Still very funny a year on. Last year it took hours to get our kids to sleep. By which time I had had a few champagnes and the wrapping was dodgy at best...

Suzie G said...

Oh man, you made me laugh!!
We've done the same - tramp, swing set.. this year it is a 360 degree rotating see saw - luckily the whole family is here to help :)

life in a pink fibro said...

LOL. I wish this had been updated with a picture of Phil making goo-goo eyes at you over the spokes over the not-yet-put-together bikes... Thanks for Rewinding at the Fibro today. :-)

Maxabella said...

Fantastically funny post, as always, Bern. Santa and my hubby officially don't get along either. Last year it was the 14 footer trampo, this year it's three little flat-pack bikes all in a row. x

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