Wednesday, December 9, 2009

WHAT'S THE DIFF?



There are the obvious differences between man and woman. You know, one has a penis, one has a vagina. And then there’s the not so obvious ones. The ones like the use of common sense.

For instance, my husband has his Christmas party this Friday. Now he’s a plumber and in years past, Christmas parties have generally involved, beer boobs and chraginas. The last word has been altered to make it more appropriate for the Christmas season. If you’re still struggling, I’m referring to naked strippers and their bits. Par for the course at a tradesmans Christmas Party. Hey, he may as well cop an eyeful there because I certainly cannot provide that sort of entertainment at home.


This upcoming one however is at a big establishment and it has, wait for it, a motivational speaker. What in the fuck do plumbers want with a motivational speaker? A plumber turned professional football player motivational speaker to boot. Hey, but who am I to judge, perhaps there’s a whole heap of plumbers who need a little pep talk with regards to installing that cistern in a more understanding, passionate and Anthony Robbins inspired way.


So this hasn’t really demonstrated the difference between man and woman yet though has it. Well I asked dear husband, what time his party starts. His response “I don’t know”. I then went on to ask him “Is it casual dress?” His answer – “Don’t know”. “Is it day or night, will you need me to pick you up?” I don’t know. It was like when I ask my seven year old what he did at school today – “dunno”. “Who did you play with today?” - Dunno. Fantastic, I’ll keep sending you to school and paying money so you can learn fucking nothing and speak to no-one.

Back to the older man of the house though, I just don’t understand how he doesn’t know these important details. When a woman is going to a party/event we know the date, the time and the dress code. We will then go on to shop for said dress code and exchange stories regarding this outfit. Why is so hard for him to ask his mate “Mate you wearing jeans or pants?” Does he think that is too intimate?

Is his not knowing ignorance or ambivalence? I think it just comes down to a lack of, and this a technical term, giving a shit.

Today we set up a large blow up pool for the kids to cool down in. Of course last year, we blew this up with our mouths but this method apparently is no longer good enough. An air compressor would have to be engaged. And seeing as we didn’t own one, Bunnings, his lover, would be receiving a well earned booty call.

That wasn't the man vs. woman issue. No the actual placement of the pool was.

In my mind, placing the pool on the grass was the safest option. His idea was to place it on the concrete pad as he wanted to mow (didn’t happen) and it would burn the grass (we already have crop circles in our turf anyway) Clearly my idea was never going to get a look in. I got home from picking up the one child still at school to basically a carnival in our back yard – on the concrete, right next to the shiny slippery tiles. I could see the near concussion before it happened. And of course, it happened. The 3yo, after nearly being accidently suffocated by his brother staggered out of the pool, slipped on the tiles and cracked his head. Awesome. I told you so was never uttered. It didn't need to be.



What about the old chestnut that is – Sex. We are genetically designed, and this is a generalisation, to want it either more (guys) or less (the women) than the other. Guys don’t get why we don’t want it every 5 minutes, Girls don’t get why guys need it so often and consistently. This of course, I relate to a married or long term couple, not that new, let’s go at it like rabbits, kind of couple.

The telltale sign in our household is when my husband is languishing on the couch beside me at 11pm patiently watching the bachelor and not, I repeat, not giving in to his immense tiredness. He’s doing the hang.

I know we just think different and I know there has been study upon report upon thesis with evidence and documentation as to why. Wonder if there’s been any studies done on how many times the woman has been committed with frustration over the men in their lives.

11 comments:

Thea said...

God, you make me laugh!
Love it, all of it!! :)

It ain't so (most of the time) said...

Trademan's party's - oh the joy - YUP - know EXACTLY where you are coming from - 20 years of EXACTLY where.

Thankfully now - they are not as flamboyuant - perhaps the GFC, perhaps the fact that kids want to come?

Who knows? I won't go on - other than to say - YES - to everything else.

Bunnings, Pools, Kids, and the dreaded S3X word.

Why can't/won't they listen - to anything us women have to say?

Same as the directions thing - they are lost, just taking the scenic root ;)

Thanks for the laugh!

Adam Weathered said...

Can't see what the problem is...

Your husband seems to have to a very clear and reasonable set of priorities in place.

1. It takes us 5 mins to get ready - no need to know or care what time the party starts

2. No plans to get dropped off/picked up - Don't want to locked in to a schedule...party could be a dud or a cracker...flexibility is required...cab it!

3. You never ask what your friend is wearing - firstly because it's GAY and secondly because it doesn't matter if he's wearing the same shirt.

4. Blokes can go from Casual to Semi-formal by changing one shirt...20 seconds max

5. Grass takes a long time to grow...split heads take minutes to stitch and a few days to heal.

6. We have many pressures (cricket on tv?) that sometimes distract us from postponable tasks like lawn mowing.

7. ...and he puts in a bit of extra effort when he wants a shag...don't we all.

Sounds like a well balanced and reasonable bloke. I'd get along with him quite well I think.

So Now What? said...

I have no doubt Adam. Well you know where we are. If not, try Bunnings Harbour Town.

miss carly said...

rofl.

i just hate how they dont think. it seems to escape them. no matter how logical or whatever the thinking could be. it isnt done. ever.

take last night.

boyfriends mum is staying in the city saturday night. boyfriends sister is going to queensland. and us. we are going to forster. his mum asks if we can leave later and mind the dog. me. i have that look. that says "dont-even-think-about-it". and he after trying to say yes to his mum. says no after he realises the look. like. hello! we are going to forster to see MY family cause we are spending christmas with YOURS {not only that but we spend majority of the weekends with his mum}.

gah. men.

oh and he is still off sex for another week {from friday}. he is getting very anxious now. considering we are coming up to our 7th week without. hehe.

power.

Sarcasm Fairy said...

Don't blow up pools have 'put on grass' instructions that come with them? Oh wait, another thing men don't do. Read instructions or take them. Darn. You had no chance.

You'll have to do a post about sex after marriage. I'm intrigued by 'The Hang' and other strategies men pull to get their wives in the mood. It'll give me a step ahead :D

Rick M said...

Ha! Technical term, love it!

My friends and I, only last year, bought an inflatable pool with the last of our funds and took it back to their place to blow up. It was enormous. We realised that between two smokers and an Asian, our lungs were not equipped to blow anything (boom tish).

So, our answer was to take it to the Caltex where we monopolised the air pump for 50 minutes before strapping the enormous pool, with overhand, to the roof of the tiny hatch car and driving it back up the Gold Coast Highway.

Good times.

So Now What? said...

Ahh Rick, lol'ing at work and getting funny looks. Hilarious. To be honest I wasn't too keen on blowing up the gigantic fantasyland pool with my lungs either. x

SF - the hang will become quite obvious probably about the 3rd year in. It is unmistakeable esp when they are still there watching Lipstick Jungle way past their bedtime.

Mrs_Starz said...

I must admit I have NEVER experienced the hang yet (only 6 mnths married, but 6 years together)... I must give in too easy (or go to bed too early)?

Anyway, perfect example of Men V Women at work this morning:

Boss: Have you done something with your eyes?
Me: Er, I'm wearing eyeliner (what else can you do with your eyes, give them a good spit 'n' polish?)

Jewels Diva said...

Men use half the amount of words that we do and use less than half the amount of brain than we do.

I think all you're gonna get out of your husband is ''dunno''.

Ami said...

Can definitely relate!! On Saturday at about 5.30pm I said to Hubby, what time does the Black Tie dinner start tonight. He said oh about 7pm. I said can you call friends and check. He called at 5.55pm to discover that it started at 6pm. Lucky my hair was done, but definitely the quickest I've ever whacked on some make-up and threw on my dress! Luckily we could walk all of 3 minutes to the event too!