Yesterday I lost my virginity. I know right? 3 kids and still my cherry had not been popped? Not that cherry peoples, I am not the Virgin Mary. I am more the monobrow virgin.
See yesterday, at work, Miss C’s mum, Mrs S, came in to do an emergency eyebrow wax for her in the office. Mrs S, turned her razor vision on me and said “What about you?”
Me? Me? I’ve never touched these eyebrows in my life. Especially not with hot wax. Her next words made it clear I have been walking around like Nana Mouskouri for my entire life and no one has had either the decency or the guts to tell me. Mrs S narrowed her eyes and told me “I’ve have been dying to get stuck into your eyebrows ever since we met”.
So there is was. I had no reason not to, I mean, all the girls in the office, like hawks, had heard the call for free eyebrow waxes and lined up to be tortured. All in the name of beauty of course. What did I have to lose? Nothing I guess, just some skin from my eyelids.
I sat down and everyone just stared at me. Like they knew what was coming. I guess though, just like me when I knew what my oblivious girlfriends were about to go through giving birth to their children. Smug.
Let me just get this out of the way. I suck at beauty regimes. I’m sure Miss C, who is 22 and if not at the hairdressers getting extensions, is pondering how long until her eyelashes grow back so she can annihilate them again, is absolutely revolted by the way I look each day. My hair is not smooth and my freckles are on display. In fact I am her complete opposite. I don’t believe it’s just age, I believe it’s just me.
Even at her age, I had not yet been to a proper hairdresser. Oh wait, yes I had, when I was in year 6. My mother begged me to cut my hair short because she said it made me look lovely. She failed to recognise however, it also made me look like a boy called Bradley. In fact she told me she would give me fifty bucks to cut it. A veritable fortune to a 10 year old. What kind of mother bribes their 10 year old daughter to cut her hair off? One that’s sick of combing fucking knots out of long curly hair, I imagine. So off I trotted, down to our local hair dresser with a picture of a model with short hair from my very first Dolly magazine tucked under my arm. Sadly my face wasn’t model material, nor was my hair straight like hers was. I just ended up looking like a brunette Ronald McDonald. And no-one would speak to me for about 6 weeks. I shit you not.
So that aside, my beauty routine, which I have spoken of before, involves me brushing my teeth twice a day and putting on some lippy before I embark on my morning drop-offs.
So what kind of fresh hell was this to have hot wax applied to my eyebrows and then unceremoniously ripped off at great speed? People pay for this torture? And then come back for it a month later? Apparently I am the last person on earth to realise – Yes! Sure it hurt and yes it has left me with kind of puffy eyelids which are red and almost bloody. But I realise now, these small little changes lift you up, make you feel a little bit better about yourself. Like a decent haircut, a new pair of shoes or a shirt that curbs the bingo wings, it’s all about the self-esteem boost.
And now I can’t stop admiring other peoples brows. I’ve never really noticed them before. Even more disturbing, is the amount of guys who clearly have the constant tweak at theirs.
So come next month, not only will I be lining up for another one; I’ll be first in line.