
I’ve mentioned before, but if you’re new here, I’ll play it again Sam. Ok enough with the in-jokes that amuse me only.
Sam, our seven year old is/has Aspergers. This can be so different for every kid, but mainly with Sam, we see him zone in on one particular fixation. For years, it has been trains. And to be honest, Trains have not been completely wiped off the obsession map just yet.
I mean, who could forget our Planes, Trains and Automobiles adventure up the Train Museum in Ipswich for his 6th birthday. At the crack of dawn, we descended on the local train station (he was already in heaven) to take a trip to Brisbane City. Then we caught another train to Ipswich. Hell unto itself. Then, 3 hours later, we boarded a bus that took us to the Museum. All whilst Jack who was about 2, went tantrum city on our ass and decided he’d like nothing better than to show us how far his lungs could actually stretch.
That aside, the train museum in Ipswich is certainly fun for the kidlets. Getting there and back – not so much.
Anyway, of late, well since Mum’s funeral, Sams major obsession has been death and everything that goes along with it. Ashes, coffins, funerals, you name it; he wants to chat about it. And not at the most appropriate times. For instance, the other day we were discussing at kindy a kid who had the flu. His first response to the mother I was talking to “Did she die?”
Kindy Mum: “No, she was just a little bit sick”.
Sam: “So you never go to the coffin stage then?”.
Kindy Mum: “Um, no” Awkward pause and exit stage left.
See, rightly so, Mum’s funeral was the first one Sam ever attended. At the beginning of the service, he seemed to be OK. He chose to sit with my best friend and her children which was fine with me. The service started and I turned to check he was OK. His crushed, crying face was all I could see. He completely lost it, so I went up and brought him back to the front with us. He continuously sobbed throughout the entire process. Which in turn, made the rest of those attending, equally lose it. How much more heartbreaking does it get?
He has often spoken about the funeral. Often had a cry. He has the four songs that were at Mum’s service on his iPod. Most notably - Isn’t She Lovely by Stevie Wonder. He often busts that out randomly in public places.
When we got his boggle eyed, black goldfish, Seabushy, he kissed the bowl on the first night and said “See you Seabushy, I Hope you don’t die during the night”. Then he turned to me and said “If he does Mum, can we have a funeral?”
Eventually, well, two weeks later, Seabushy did die and we did have a burial in the backyard and he provided a private service complete with music by Michael Buble’ (I just haven’t met you yet). What gives?
He asks about Ashes and what we will be doing with Grandmas. He asks about where the Coffins come from. He asks me if Grandmas feet got cold before she died. Holy batwings, batman.
I guess my only worry is this will become just an obsession and not a reality to him. Does he really get what it all means? I think he does. Sometimes I’ll find him having a little cry in his room. Often he says he’s just missing Grandma or Seabushy. Which I think is lovely. He can just let it out when it hurts too much. I admire that to be honest.
So I’m hoping his next obsession is keeping shit off his bed (currently hordes everything he receives on the end of his bed) or learning his 12 times tables. I do not however, wish for a Michael Buble' obsession, which is quite on the cards.
But as always with Sam, we’ll just go along for the ride.


18 comments:
Is it wrong to laugh at some of this...I know it's supremely awkward when you are there.
Sad about your mum, death is a hard lesson for most kids. Heck I sometimes find it hard and my mum passed away 11 years ago.
My eldest lost her pet mouse nibble and she cried for weeks. And yes we had all the questions about death, there is a slight obsession there as well.
It's good he can express grief rather than bottling it up and exploding in other ways.
Chris
You never can be sure with an Aspbergers child but fingers crossed it's just how Sam is processing it all. My son asks similar things about my first son. He also tries to add it to role play, freaks me out but I try not to let on that it does.
I remember when my paternal great-grandfather died when I was a kid. It was the first funeral I ever attended. I remember my maternal grandmother telling me before we left, "He'll just look like he's sleeping, only he just won't wake up!" That seemed to help me grasp the whole death thing (REALLY!).
What a funny, sad story you've just shared! I LIKE Sam! I, too, hope his next obsession is learning his time tables!! Good luck!
I used to be part of a "support group" for parents of children with Aspergers. I say "support group" because really all it was a whine-fest for parents to bitch and moan about all that was wrong with their children, which for a fellow Aspie I found to be quite disturbing.
Anyway, apparently this obsession with death is something that is common amongst them. I don't think it's really an obsession as such, it's just something new and interesting AND when you talk about it, it gets an awesome reaction from all and sundry.
Bailey is good at those inappropriate death comments. My favourite was when we were visiting my parents and my dad said we were going to go visit his mum. Bailey's response - "isn't she dead yet?"
Yep. Never a dull moment.
A Michael Buble obsession would put me in a grave.
If the train thing waned a bit, maybe this one will too? I wouldn't worry. I've always found death fascinating and really enjoy a good graveyard.
And 'Isn't she lovely' is one of my favourite songs. It's funny - they were playing it on the daggy AM station I like as I drove to the hospital to have E. Stevie Wonder - appropriate for all your family occasions!
I imagine this too shall pass (sorry, couldn't resist). I actually think it's positive he feels free to talk openly about death and, in fact, I would love to borrow him to butt in on some conversations with a couple of neighborhood moms I know. It would save me all the polite nodding and excuse making about the late hour.
Kids. Just when you think you've got them almost figured out they're on to the next thing.
Death is something that we should talk about and think about more often. Actually, we should also joke about it. For some strange reason we all think that if we ignore it, it will go away. Death gets the last laugh in that respect.
Another wry post about a difficult subject. I love everything that you write.
I've got tears in my eyes!
Maybe he's just trying to understand it all in his own time and his own way. It may not turn into an obsession, but it's still relatively fresh in his mind.
Gorgeous post Bern- Sam's character really comes across, and I love that he can be so open about death. After reading Kerri Sackville's piece on her own son's experience with the death of his aunt, I can only say there should be more of it. Sometimes it takes a child to show us the way.
Loved this post! The subject of death is a source of endless fascination for children and it sounds like your boy is handling it perfectly. I love how he asked about the "coffin stage"! In my work with "my Asperger boys" they were often so literal in their interpretation. I remember telling off a class and how they "needed to pull their socks up" and all "My Boys" bent down to do so! After being sick I guess the "coffin stage" makes perfect sense. Love it. xxx
I love your posts Bern... And really to me it seems, Sam is just trying to understand death. Which is a lot better than most of us do.. we try to ignore it... xxxx
I realized my previous comment might have seemed somewhat flippant, given you were talking about your mother's death in this post. I think since we've been discussing this over on my blog, it just felt like a continuance of the conversation. After so much heavy talk about death I appreciated the light touches in your post. Thanks.
Not at all, kbxmas. Much prefer to look on the lighter side of situations even if it's not always possible. shit happens - we've all just got deal with it the best we can (me telling you that is like pointing out that the sun is hot - i.e. no shit genius) but I love comments and I love peoples stories when they can relate (or can't) Thanks everyone :)
Beautiful post, Bern. Seeing kids deal with death is really interesting. The honesty can be a little overwhelming when us adults are so busy skirting around the truth. And your son sounds like a gorgeous boy!
Just found you from A Mother's Ramblings.
I think it's great that he's not bottling it up. It's a testament to good job you've done teaching him to handle emotions in a healthy way.
I work in a school for Aspie kids, and they never cease to astonish me. In my experience their obsessions are about control - because of their social/communication difficultes, so much is weird and unpredictable in their lives that a total focus on one topic provides a huge amount of predictability and control in one area at least.
My guess is he'll work through it, figure it out, and move on to the next thing. Happy trails to all of you, and as you say, enjoy the ride...
Such a tricky situation parenting a child with special needs - I know! Interesting read. Thanks for sharing.
We've found "Lifetimes" By Bryan Mellonie a very helpful book for my 6yo aspie daughter who is obsessed with death. Her granddad (my father in law) passed away 19 months ago after a brief 3 month battle with lung cancer.
My daughter still assumes that anyone with a cold will get cancer and dye which is heartbreaking. She has trouble falling asleep at night as she is anxious people she loves will die during the night. We've been seeing a counselor for a while now about the death issue.
One thing we got told was never to mention a deceased person 'sleeping' as this may give children a fear of sleep.
Our younger daughter who is also on the autism spectrum went through a period of intense separation anxiety after granddads death but has moved on from her grief now and does not obsess (thank goodness).
There are some great resources on death and dying available here - http://www.autism-pdd.net/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=27023&PN=1
and here - http://asdandgrief.forumwise.com/index.php?sid=ee95c87521574a937bb3d60180d8a6b8&mforum=asdandgrief
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