Wednesday, April 28, 2010

EGG SIZED HOLE, WATERMELON EXITING, YOU DO THE MATH.


Two of my best friends are pregnant. At this, I am super excited. Mainly because for the first time, I will be able to enjoy their kids as little babies without being pregnant myself.


Because this time there is no freaking chance in hell of myself and my husband conceiving (barring an immaculate conception) after his doctor basically obliterated the appropriate pathways with his soldering iron within my husbands nads, some years ago.


The subject of childbirth came up at a recent BBQ we all attended. Well, more specifically, I was trying to re-create the Malteasers ad where the pregnant lady gets her bump to “kick” a malteaser like a soccer ball.


Unfortunately, I was low on malteasers and as such, after rifling through the party bags, could only find a Chicco Baby to replace this.
So, my friend Jodi, sat back (she’s 38 weeks pregnant) and I placed a lone Chicco baby on her blossoming stomach. She’s one of these bloody women, who all you see is baby, no excess fat, nothing but a baby wrapped in skin fronting some organs. So of course, we saw that baby almost sniff out that Chicco baby and go nuts. Unfortunately, this, along with giving us great entertainment, also gave her mild contraction type pains. All fun and games until someone goes into early labour.


And labour. SO. MUCH. FUN.


I mean, unless of course you are one of these enigmas who go to the toilet, pop out a baby telling anyone who’ll listen that they didn’t feel a thing. BULL FUCKING SHIT.



The only thing worse than going through labour again would be hearing that Human Nature are releasing another Motown record. Seriously.


And don’t get me wrong, I understand why there is pain. I mean let’s face it, we are dilating (opening) a closed hole to a hole that is 10cms in circumference (try that with your asshole boys and I think you’ll get my gist). I also recognise the fact, that after it’s all over, you are so god damn proud of yourself that, the fact a bow-tied male doctor you’ve never seen before is stitching up your vagina, is totally irrelevant.


And for the record, I’ve given birth naturally 3 times. With no drugs. This is due to one thing only. The bitches would not give me any. And I say that with the utmost respect to all midwives who are wonderful, inspiring ladies (and men). They clearly knew I could do it without them, even though all three times, I felt like I would rather die on the spot than go through one more contraction.


We got talking about the labour room on the weekend, and the fact that this time, I might get to go in with my girlfriend and see her have this baby. I am very excited, having never been down “that end” before. She told me last time (this will be her third child) she asked her husband to stroke her arm between contractions. He started in earnest to stroke her arm where she pointed. Whilst her head did not swivel 360 degrees, I believe it was the only action separating her and Linda Blair when she told him in no uncertain terms, “Not that way”. He was rubbing her arm the wrong way. Stupid stupid man. She then told him to leave the room so she could “do the next contraction alone”. Go Jode.


My husband tells me I neither swore nor shat on the table during any of my births. I hope he is telling me truth and that one day, in some sort of heated moment, he doesn’t spit at me the awful truth, that yes indeed I did foul up the room, he was just sparing me to be nice. Oh and I disagree with my husband. I distinctly remember in my last moments of birthing Jack, low growling through gritted teeth “Get this fucking thing out of me!”


What about these Scientology people who apparently have to give birth silently. To save the baby from stress. Good for them, but I dare say, that rule was written by a man and he needs to go back and read about my little 10cm’ anus stretching anecdote.



I distinctly remember the very first midwife I had with my very first birth, telling me to “leave my dignity on the shelf and go back and get it when you’re done”. That little piece of advice and “don’t forget the URAL” should be in every “What to Expect when you’re Expecting” type baby advice book.


I Hope I haven’t grossed you out today with this post. And to all those who had a baby through the sunroof, i.e. caesarean, please know I take nothing away from your birthing experience. Equally as painful and full on and who cares how the baby arrives, as long as it’s safe.


To my two best friends – I cannot wait to meet your two beautiful little lovelies when they arrive. Oh, and be sure to call me if you want your arm rubbed right. Teehee.

19 comments:

Kallie said...

You always give me a laugh :) Hope you get to rub an arm the right way for one of your friends :)

Wanderlust said...

LOL! All women should get a god damn medal for giving birth, seriously. And hello, evolution, you're failing us on this one. Evolve faster! Oddly, I said the exact same thing to my doctor at the very end, about getting my lovely son the f*ck out of my body!

Cate Bolt said...

Ahhh, dear. So glad I'm not going there again. I've guided 7 children through the valley of death to bring them safely to the other side. I did 4 of those "naturally" - the last one resulted in two dislocated hips. I wasn't given the choice after that - epidural, induced, totally under the control of a professional. Neither, in my opinion, was a beautiful experience.

Glen said...

Speaking as someone who has been forced to stand down the wrong end twice, Can I advise you not to do it? Your friend will not be your friend in there and frankly it's a very messy affair.

On the other hand, you get to see the most amazing thing ever, live and in full HIDEF.

Draft Queen said...

You know we've been contemplating a baby. And all I remember from getting pregnant the second time was the day it occurred to me just how much it wasn't pleasant to evict child number one. (Both kids no drugs. And I swore like a trucker.)

And as a doula I've been on the "other end" many times. It's wonderful. Tiring and wonderful.

I'm just not so sure I'm ready to ask my lady parts to do all that work again.

Jewels Diva® said...

You've really made me not want children.

A Very Fine House {Katrina Chambers} said...

Hahaha! Good laugh... loved the call about Human Nature - I am with you :)

And no drugs???? OMG!

Kylie L said...

You're very nice to say that a C-sec is just as painful... but hello, it isn't. True, I can't make a direct comparison as both mine were sunrooves... still, I was in labour 15 hrs with no. 1, fully dilated and pushing for 5 of those, and had an episiotomy, 3 trials of forceps and one of ventouse, so it may as well have been natural for all the fancywork that went on down there. No. 2 was a planned C-sec (after the debacle that was no.1 birth, which concluded with my uterus rupturing and 6 days in ICU). There was no comparison. No. 2 was quick, clean and painless. No. 1 was agonising, awful and ended up with perineal tapestry and 13 blood transfusions. Yes, I was a bit sore after no. 2, but then I was almost dead after no. 1. Any woman who can do that without drugs has my undying respect.

astrogirl529 said...

Hahahaa great post, pregnant with my third, I know what to expect. Had the same kind of discussion with my single, never had kids friends the other day (they wanted to talk about it)and watched as their faces went pale and swore to adopt! Look out for upcoming funny movie the back-up plan all about pregnancy and birth!!

Lisa Heidke said...

Ah, yes, I also have three children...am so glad not to ever go through childbirth again but now that we've entered the teenage years I'm dealing with a whole new set of agonies...and the time has arrived to really start exploring drug options (for me, not the kids)!

Jodie at Mummy Mayhem said...

My first I had gas, pethidene AND an epidural. It was a long, difficult labour (ick!). The 2nd and third, I just had a little gas. The 2nd was a breeze. With the 3rd, I distinctly remember thinking, 'I. WILL. NEVER. EVER. DO. THIS. AGAIN.' And God willing, I won't.

A friend of mine recently had her 4th. Every time I look at her I think of sleepless nights and breastfeeding at 2am and constant nappy changes. I'm so glad it's not me.

I'm done. SO done. (*crosses fingers*)

41BabyProject said...

Ha ha - classic! To the advice from the midwife, can I add: don't forget the extra, extra, extra thick menstrual pads. Normal thin ones just don't cut it.

Also - those books need to warn women about oedema (massive post-birth leg swelling due to fluid - think the Canckles TV ad). I had NO IDEA about this and my legs were HUGE and miserably uncomfortable for about 5-6 days.

Anj (@anjwrites) said...

Awesome and raw - love it! And I gleefully enjoyed epidurals with both boys. In fairness, I tried to go natural with the first until they induced. By the second time around I knew to get the spinal jab once they cranked up the pitocin. Popped those babies out within 15 mins of actual pushing and grateful for a doc who knew how to sew an awesome seam the second time round. All that said, since no one could confirm a girl for our third, we took care of hubby so I will never have to go through even that small-ish inconvenience again. ;) Love you're work, girl!

So Now What? said...

Great comments! Thanks everyone

Permanently twenty three said...

Thanks for reminding me of all the joys, Bern. Two weeks to go for me.

I'll be sure to mention that anus anaolgy to my husband if he dares not do what I say in the coming weeks...

Bronnie Marquardt said...

Ah childbirth ... why the hell don't men have to go through it? (Spoken by one who had a third grade tear AND an episiotomy with my first child). Luckily, I had a really good midwife with Baby no 2, and the experience was a lot better, which kind of healed me in more ways than one. But still ... ouch!

Christine O said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Christine O said...

Love it!

I experienced watching childbirth at 17, when a friend at school got pregnant. Our mums thought it would be a good idea in order to stop any of us getting pregnant too. It didn't work for all of us. Out of a group of 8 of us, only 2 of us didn't get pregnant before the age of 21. It certainly worked for me, however. I watched it and I think the words "Oh man, GROSS!" came out of my mouth at least a dozen times. A fun way to spend a day of school holidays in year 12.

But to my own childbirth experience. I was ready to do the natural birth and ended up having the best of both worlds - 9 hours of labour, followed by an emergency caesarian, followed by bed rest for 3 days in pain and drugged up to the eyeballs, followed by not being able to breastfeed & indirectly being made to feel a failure (I believe the title of the brochure the lactation consultant gave me was "So You've Decided to Artificially Feed Your Baby"). Hence why I have only had one child so far and in no hurry to have the second!

miss carly said...

Haven't watched a child born. I could have watched my little sister but decided it was probably best I didn't as mum was in a lot of pain. She went in at 9am with my sister and they couldn't break her waters until 7.30pm. She was getting over it by the time I saw her at 4pm.

You made me giggle throughout and had to read snippets to the boyfriend. hehe. I cannot wait to have children!