Wednesday, April 14, 2010


You would think having 10+ years of parenting experience under my belt I would know better than to say stuff I don’t want repeated at inappropriate times. Or that having said amount of years experience, that it would lead me to at least lessen the ways for my children to embarrass me in public. Not so.

Here are some examples:

After hearing me tell Phil that the chick who smashed my car and did a runner was giving me death stares and was a "loop", Sam asked her the next day on the way into school: “Are you out of the lunatic asylum?”

Today, I purchased a pack of 4 tennis balls for Jack. “I can’t wait to show Sam my big balls” Jack bellowed in the Reject shops corridor.

Sam, after hearing his father had a vasectomy, walked up to him mid-conversation at a BBQ about a week later, in front of our friends, and said “So, Dad, how are your nuts?”

In the ABC shop today, Jack started saying, “Ow, Ow”. I asked him what was wrong (sitting in his stroller). Jack: “My doodle is just too big mummy”. You need to understand, none of this is whispered.

My daughter apparently told her teacher, when questioned, that her parents wouldn’t be attending the religious assemblies because they aren’t “Jeezos”. Shit.

What about the time Maddie decided to tell her facebook community that she was Booooorrrreedd and her mother couldn’t take her to Zumba because she had “had too much alcohol last night”.

What about when Jack used to substitute the Tr in Truck with a F? When he would crack it in Kmart and yell “But I want a big fuck mummy!” Run Bern, don’t walk, Run.

Or Sam, telling off the orthopaedic doctors when checking his brothers broken arms “Geez Doc, don’t give him a Chinese Burn, he’s already got broken arms”.

Today I took a trip to Pacific Fair with Jack the 3yo demon. He was actually fairly contained, quite good. Oh except for when he “accidently” dropped his iced chocolate and it exploded like an A-bomb inside the coffee shop. His immediate declaration of “Awww bloody hell, Stupid aciddent”.

The thing is, sometimes, we just forget that they are the absorbent sponges they are.

Today Sam, who is nearly 8, asked me what I would do if he couldn’t remember his reading words tonight for homework. I said, "Um, well, nothing; we’ll just keep reading them, til you get them". He visibly wiped his brow. I looked at him in the rear view mirror and asked “Why do you ask mate?” Sam replied

“Oh, it’s just that Dad said he’d use the phonebook if I didn’t concentrate tonight”. What? Is my husband’s last name Soprano all of a sudden? I rang my husband in somewhat of a pissed off state.

“Did you tell Sam he would be whacked with a telephone book because he was having trouble reading?”

Phil: “What? No, no, we were playing last night before bed, Mafioso. It was his game!!!! And I said I would arrest him and he would be meeting my friend the telephone book, if he didn’t co-operate”. Right.

Imagine if he of gone to school and told his teacher his dad was going to “telephone book” him. Hello DOCS.

What about the time my 7yo daughter (at the time) was telling her teacher she stayed with her dad each weekend and her mother during the week and even wrote her school journal accordingly? All of this, even though we’ve never even been out of the same house for one night, let alone separated? Where in the fuck did that come from?

So what have we learned?

I've learned if we want to whinge, bitch, scratch nuts, say the word fuck, threaten anyone mafia style or speak about delicate genital operations, we do it out of earshot of the little people. Or gag em.


Seraphim said...

My new motto:"I've learned if we want to whinge, bitch, scratch nuts, say the word fuck, threaten anyone mafia style or speak about delicate genital operations, we do it out of earshot of the little people. Or gag em." LOVE it!

Jen said...

Rofl! Thankyou got the laugh! I'm going to adopt that motto too.

Carly Findlay said...

Oh they are too funny!
You are right, kids are like sponges.
This is my favourite:
'In the ABC shop today, Jack started saying, “Ow, Ow”. I asked him what was wrong (sitting in his stroller). Jack: “My doodle is just too big mummy”. You need to understand, none of this is whispered.'

Angela said...

Too funny as usual Bern! Your Jack sounds like a total ratbag.

My now 6 year old announced at swimming a couple of years ago, in front of a whole bunch of people I had never seen before, that "Dad has a furry doodle!!"
His toilet training little sister had just been outside and peed on the grass, standing up like a boy (he was doing one right beside her).
I was whispering in her ear that she can't go outside and wee standing up like a boy because she doesn't have a doodle. Brendan hears this and feels the need to loudly describe his dad's furry one!

binkagal said...

Too funny! I'm kinda glad I'm not the only one that cops this stuff.

My Master 5 recently proclaimed "Mummy is really good in the bedroom, but not in the kitchen!"

... he was referring to his Army Men game on the wii that I had breezed through the bedroom levels, but was stuck on one of the kitchen levels. BUT try telling people that!!

Lucy said...

These are hilarious....

Mine from today was when Lexie (aged 3) told the lady in the fruit shop "I haf to be good today. Else Mumma will beat me with a sharp stick." WT??

emlykd said...

Laughed the whole way through, Bern.. Can count on your posts to do that... LOVE IT!!

Kelly said...

Goodness I laughed out loud (like really) at this. So funny and, yes, I have some stories of my own.

In Real Life said...

Absolutely hilarious! I can't stop laughing!

Ratz said...

ROFL... Ha ha ha..... I can't stop laughing....

So Now What? said...

These comments are HILARIOUS. Beat you with a sharp stick. How funny. I wonder what these teachers hear everyday. That must be (when it only fabricated) one of the best parts of the job. Thanks for everyones comments, I really appreciate it :)

So Now What? said...

Oh and binkagirl, too funny.

Quixotic said...

My little cousin had the same "replace Tr with F" problem when he was little - he was also very into trucks... made for some fun times in the shops with him!!!

Jodie at Mummy Mayhem said...

This post was so funny!!!

Remember that ad where the mother is in the car and is annoyed about someone pulling out in front of her or something, and then she says, "bloody", and later at dinner when her son is asked if he likes his food he replies, "Bloody oath"?

Obviously, my 8yo son saw that ad, because we were on an airplane to Melbourne once, and when I turned on the overhead light, he looked up at it and said, "Bloody oath that's bright!" He was 4 at the time.


Jewels Diva® said...


boys love talking about nuts and balls don't they.

Belle said...

My most embarrassing moment with my daughter was when I had a parent teacher meeting when she was in Year 3. The teacher had my daughter's diary opened to the page where she had written about me winning lots of money on a horse on the Melbourne Cup horse race then being brought home by a friend with McDonalds for the kids and me falling out of the car then vomiting! Needless to say the teacher had a little glint in her eye that day.

It would be great to hear from any teachers out there and some of the funny stories they must have heard over the years.

Thea said...

Mine haven't come out with anything like that...yet...and one doesn't talk yet!
But yes, as a teacher I heard some really good ones!! I also learned very quickly not to believe everything kids say!!

Kids are too funny, and so are you! x

Anonymous said...

Here's a good one:

a friend of mine enjoys the odd drink after a hard day in the office but is far from alcoholic status.

She had to take miss 4 to the doctor for a check up. Doctor asks innocently if mum and miss 4 would like a drink of water? Mum said yes please; miss 4 said very seriously: "no thanks, I'll have a scotch on the rocks..."


Needless to say there was an awkward "we don't offer her scotch at home" type of conversation after that!

JLo said...

Great post Bern! I love this.

At the risk of sharing too much information, I am going to give you an example of my 5 year old daughter's (Mia) work, she gives Sam a run for her money I reckon...

This conversation went down while I was 8 months pregnant at the end of last year and Mia and I were having a shower together. A Pro Cyclist who was being billeted with us at the time was in ear shot of this conversation as he was surfing the net on our back deck (nex to the bathroom)

MIa: "Ohhh mum look at your bum! it's soooo big!" *whack whack as she slaps it.
Me: "Oh come on Mia, it's not THAT big"
Mia: "Oh yes it is mum, it's GIANOOOORMMOUS!"

moving on.... 2 mins later...

Mia: "Hey mum LOOK! the water runs off your belly, down your GINA and looks like you're doing a wee!" *excited squeal
Me: *ignore comment and use magic distraction parenting skills, which do not work and Mia REPEATS comment but even louder this time.
Me: *in a cranky tone "Shhh Mia, don't say that."
Mia: *in a sympathetic ton "It's ok mum. I know its not REALLY doing a wee, it just LOOKS like you're doing a wee coz the water is coming out of your GINA!"
Me:"Ok, it's time to get out."

This is one of MANY examples of her work, there are too many examples of he brillance to mention. She is particularly skiled in embarassing me in public toilets, but I will leave those to your imagination.

Katrina Chambers said...

You are freaking hilarious and I will say that our houses are EXACTLY the same by the sounds of some of these comments! Gotta love the kids. Say it like it is!

JLo said...

P.S we have been using the term "Jeezbos" in our house but will use your example to try and curb our naughty habit ;)

Melody said...

Kids. Gotta love 'em.

Sarah (Maya_Abeille) said...

ROFL. You guys don't need a TV, seriously, you have a whole team of comedians right there. When Alex was about 2-3 and he used to crack it in the shops, and I would try to pick him up of the ground, he would scream, "HELP! HELP!" at the top of his lungs. People stared but no one ever tried to prevent the abduction that was clearly taking place.

Other gems include, apropos of nothing in the supermarket, "Mum, why don't you have a willy? Did it fall off?" and (with a straight face to a supermarket lady when asked how he was) "I'm not good. Dad punched me in the face three times today." Seriously, WTF? The problem with this is, the more you try to brush it off or deny it, the guilter you seem!

When I was a nanny when I was 19, I was out with my 3yrold charge and a shop assistant made some mention of my son. I corrected her that I was just looking after him, and he looked up at me all forlorn and said, "Mummy, can I have a drink please?"

Kallie said...

Loved it Bern :)

Smudgeblurr said...

Hey Bern,
What a crack up - i have heard some crackers so far in my teaching - might be the impetus to set up my own blog once (if) i get a teaching job!

Vicki said...

Do you realise that it's all deliberate and they spend hours trying to find ways to humiliate you in public? Looks like your kids have a true talent for this. Cracked me up.

Farmers Wife said...

I bloody well love your kids.

Bethwyn said...

Absolutely classic! My oldest is 3yo now and we're just learning the boys of the "inappropriate parroting" phase. Ah, the joys, the embarrassment and the giggles it brings!