Wednesday, April 7, 2010

THE TO DON'T LIST


If procrastination was an Olympic Sport, I reckon I could give gold a red hot go in the 2016 games. That would give me just enough time for me to get off my arse and register. At least I’m in training for it every day.


I have, oh at least 14 separate “To Do” Lists floating around somewhere. Probably 3 of those are scungy tattered bits of paper in my bottomless pit of a handbag, some are still on the kitchen fridge and the rest have disappeared into the black abyss of my car.


If I had to make a list, right this very minute though, it would consist of the following: (Please note, this doesn’t even take into account the usual bread/milk/cleaning/washing and day to day mindfuckery that comes with maintaining a house and kids).


  • Finish last two units of my stupid Course so I can get the stupid certificate that allows me to do what I have been doing for the last ten years with no certificate. I have finished 8, but have seriously fallen off the wagon over the last year. Pull your finger out Bern before they revoke the last 8 and make you start all over again.


  • Pick up Mum’s ashes from the Crematorium. Now there’s something you don’t see on a “To Do” list everyday is it? I have been both putting off and genuinely forgetting to do this since January. It’s partly because they will put the hard sell on me to buy a little hole in the wall for a squillion dollars but probably more because I am still not ready to go back there and deal with the situation. Suck it up Bern, you’re Mum deserves to be somewhere better than in sequential order, languishing on a shelf with complete strangers.


  • Pay Phil’s plumbing license. Yep, I’m aware that whilst I sit here and post this on my blog, I could have paid this bill 10 times over, but that would involve me going into internet banking and therefore seeing my bank balance. I don’t feel like being sick right now seeing as mortgage day was only 2 days ago. Pay it via credit card over the phone Bern before your husband gets done for working unlicensed.


  • Clean out the Microwave cupboard of shit. We have this void in the wall of our kitchen that is I guess, designed for the Microwave. Only it’s too small for any microwave I’ve ever come across, so we use a different cupboard for that. The void by default, has become the place where we stash every bit of paper we ever receive. Every painting, every credit card bill, every assignment, every old merit card, every gas bill, basically everything combined with our basic stationery requirements go in there. Until there is no room left. Which is kinda now. File that shit away Bern.


  • Book my car in for its 40,000km service. It is now at 44,397kms. Book the fucking thing in before your warranty is voided Bern you imbecile.


  • Pay Mr John, Jacks tennis coach and buy him a mini tennis racquet. Apparently we have a mini Andre Agassi on our hands. Well according to the money sucking kindy tennis coach we do, and as such, we need to buy him a proper 3 year olds tennis racquet. Seeing as he’s heading more down the path of John McEnroe with his violent temper, I’m in no particular hurry. But Mr John is waiting Bern.


  • Book the Morleys into the dentist. Here’s what I know. The minute we set foot inside any Dentist, we will have take out a second mortgage on the house. And that’s with private health insurance. So, I’ve been putting it off, but with a ten year old whose front teeth are starting to cross over each other and a husband whose back tooth is currently crumbling into his food, I need to stop putting it off. Seriously Bern, health hazard city. Stop being such a tightarse and get that shit checked out. That or become very friendly with an orthodontist.


  • Last but not least, buy a mattress. Sadly I don’t even remember where we originally got our Queen mattress from. I have a feeling it was given to us??? It could have been used at a brothel for all I know. I now have to position myself in just the right way to avoid the springs penetrating my ribs, and god only knows what sort of foul bugs reside in there. It would have to be, oh at least 13 years old. We have tried, god how we’ve tried to agree on a mattress we both like. Often, we have Jack doing cartwheels off the $5,000 display latex King mattress, which kind of sends us into a stress induced meltdown and therefore, we walk out with nothing. Bite the bullet and become a solo mattress buyer Bern, before you both become bad back statistics.


So that’s the majority. Sure, some might say, had I spent the last 30 minutes tackling some of the above instead of writing this blog post I wouldn’t have this problem, but alas, that’s just not my style. But having said that, I think I have a serious blockage when it comes to doing simple tasks these days.


But now this stuff is out there – on the interwebs, I will vow to take them on, one by one. Looks like I better add “Ring Westpac and beg for more money” to the list so I can fulfil this list. Lucky Phil can still make money plumbing – Wait, shit......

21 comments:

Jodie at Mummy Mayhem said...

Ah, yes. The old "TO DO" list. Mine is a mile long too. I go in to denial. Hence, here I am, reading yours to avoid mine, and hopefully make me feel a little better.

Hmm. Yes - indeed it has worked.

Thank you and good luck!

Suz said...

you gave me my only laugh today and tears are rolling down my cheeks (happy laughing ones) - don't worry my to dont/do list looks pretty much just like this. Great post xx

lawandshoes said...

Since we will be competing against each other in the next Farting About Olympics I have no intention of making any suggestions. Other than: Bern - get your mum off the shelf!!!!

You have cheered me up BTW :)

Kallie said...

A marvelous idea, the "do to" list. I find any manner of uses for them. None actually involve crossing anything off the list so I'd be a contender for the Procrastination medals too. My last one was a great book mark. I finished it (the book, not the list) and currently the list is still in the boo,k back on the bookshelf.

Thea said...

I have my 'multiple' lists on my computer, just so, you know, I can spend a little more time on the computer not actually doing anything! *sigh*

Lucy said...

LOVE IT! I do like your blog such a lot...

Quixotic said...

hahaha!! I'm so awesome at lists. I sit down at the beginning of the day, then write a list of everything I need to do, grouped by what shop etc. I need to do it at. I then plan where to go first and then plot out my day so I'm not back-trakcing etc. Then I leave the list on the kitchen bench when I go out, and spent the day rushing around vainly trying to remember what the hell I had to do, and did we need milk or not??

life and the memoirs said...

Oh yes that famous to do list! Somehow I have tricked myself into thinking that adding to my do list is half way to getting the task done. Sadly I just never seem to accomplish all that fills my to do list. All I can say is good luck with yours Bernie, I can relate :)

Terry Hands said...

hahahaha, I love your posts Bern. I have lists I have no idea what to do with.

Linda said...

Bahaha! I sooo relate to this! And to Quixotic's reply! I'm reading and loving this instead of doing the work I should be doing on the computer... and my lists are in my bag, in the door of the car, under and on papers waiting to be filed ,paid and dealt with and stuck on screen of the computer I'm not using (post it notes)... those are in red pen. And Belinda... I STILL haven't done the lease.... aaargh!

Annieb said...

Oh Bern that was hilarious. We almost have similar lists except I don't need a new bed nor do I have a son doing tennis lessons. You make me laugh. Thanks for that.

Michelle George said...

Loved it :) Thanks for the giggle. I think lists multiply and make little listy babies that come back to haunt you.

Lisa Heidke said...

Love it, Bern!
The never ending 'to do' list. I have one too, and although I try to hide it, it keeps coming after me usually at three in the morning. Queens of Procrastination. There are a few of us around.
Thanks for sharing and for the laugh!

Lulu said...

I've just found you...and I think I love you. For fucks sake buy the new bed.

Kristy said...

The two things that I constantly procrastinate: cleaning the house and being more healthy (I'll eat better and excercise. . . starting tomorrow!)

Jewels Diva® said...

My lists are always on scrap paper as I go over and over them, adding, deleting, rewriting.

It does get a bit overwhelming just writing the damn things.

I have an idea. Write out a complete list of what you need to do and then divide it up into five (for each day of the week) and do some each day, that way you're not too overwhelmed and things get done and you'll be surprised how fast it happens.

Ratz said...

Oh Well Deja Vu revisited..... only different things...

Hi i just came here, i don't know from where... Oh yes from Diminishing Lucy.

The list makes me remind mine... Oh Holly Molly.. leaving to get them done.

Buh bye.
xo

Carly Findlay said...

Oh I completely identify with you not wanting to access internet banking so you don't see your bank balance. :(
I am a bit of a procrastinator when it comes to essays, but once I do it, I am ok. I do my best work under pressure.
Good luck with your to do list.

Draft Queen said...

To do lists. I'm actually pretty good at them because I kind of like getting to cross stuff off.

(Actually? I tend to put on things I know I'll do anyway just to cross them off. Like get dressed and brush teeth and eat something. Easy things. Attainable goals.)

So Now What? said...

Pleased to say Mum is home safe and sound. Sam is desperate for me to let her "sleep on his bed with him" but happy I got it done. Plumbing Licence as good as done and tennis coach paid. Thanks for all the comments :)

RebaMc said...

You've inspired one of my posts :) http://tillyandjas.blogspot.com/2010/05/procrastinator.html