Monday, May 17, 2010

OPEN WIDE, COME INSIDE.

So at what point, after having horrendously had your tooth pulled out of head, do you stop the world and tell anyone who’ll listen, that you want to get off?  Just for a bit?

 

It started with a tooth ache. Scratch that, it started with a broken tooth. Over 4 years ago.  I was pregnant with Jack.  And get this, I broke my back tooth by eating a freaking soft snake lolly.  See kids, lollies DO rot your teeth.  One minute I was enjoying my sunshiny orange snake, the next I was hoeing down on my own tooth particles.   Ewwww.

 

To be honest, I have always been shite at going to the Dentist.  This is not through fear or money worries particularly, just pure, unadulterated, laziness.  My mother made me go religiously to the dentist while I was under her direction.   But like any good teenager, I promptly stopped doing anything I was “made to do” the minute I left home.  And then, well, I only went when I had a problem.  BIG MISTAKE.

 

I write this today as a cautionary tale, because if I can save one person from going through what I did on the weekend, someone should award me an Order of Australia Medal, for I have helped my nation.

 

So, after chewing my own bone, I made an emergency appointment with a dentist around the corner.  He was reluctant, with me being pregnant and all, to do much at all.  Half my tooth had disintegrated, yet I was stoked he wanted me to get out of his face for 6 more months.  Ideally, I was meant to return within 1 month of giving birth.  Jack is now 3 and a half.

 

Last year I had a little trouble with my half in, half out wisdom teeth.  To be precise, one got infected.  Ah, the memories.  A Russian dentist  telling me I was basically fucked and would have to visit a specialist who wouldn’t be available for over 7 months and oh, whilst you’re here, how about I make you feel like a complete  and utter rabid human being for getting yourself into this predicament in the first place. 

Hey look man, I work in a job where we see people sometimes fob off doing their tax returns for 20 years. You know what?  We just do them and lodge them.  Because it is not our job to judge them.  Who knows what the hell  has gone in their lives to get them to this point.  So Hey, Mr Stalin the dentist, lay off,  I’m the only one in pain here buddy, no need to get all shouty.

 

So, back to the original story, oh yes, the broken back tooth.  Last week, I started to get a tooth ache.  OK, no need to panic I thought, perhaps it’s just a fleeting problem. Fixed with a good dose of barley, wheat, hops and a long lie down.  Nope.   I would drink a coffee and it would feel like I had sucked a pin directly into the core of my teeth.  Equally as painful were cold drinks.  Oh shit.

 

So luckily I got into a dentist on a Saturday.  I trotted off, without any children in tow and told my husband I would go do the grocery shopping after my dentist appointment.  Little did I know I was about to feature in my own version of Saw 3. 

 

Immediately my lovely, young dentist started making what can only be described as clucking noises.  Then he said, “Hmm, we will need an x-ray to see how bad this hole is.  If it’s not fillable, then, well a root canal is an option or we might have to pull it”.  Me, full of bravado, “Just pull it out, no one can see it”.  Stupid, stupid me.
 


To be totally honest, I would be open to going through childbirth again before having another tooth pulled.   It took just over 20 minutes.  That’s twenty minutes, even with anaesthetic where I could feel every nerve tear, hear every bone crack and taste every drop of blood entering my throat.  And he just could. not. get. the. fucker. out.  Oh and apparently according to the dentist, it wanted to come out backwards.  No Mr Dentist, it is an inanimate object, don’t tell me what it’s thinking, just get it the feck out of my mouth.

 

He ran out of options.  My wisdom tooth was blocking it’s way apparently. That would be right.  So he told me he was leaving to go and get the big guns.  Some more tools.   I had my eyes shut and arms in standard brace position, so I didn’t see these extra special tools, but  I reckon it was just a pair of pliers. 

Suddenly, he was done.  He asked if I wanted to see the offending tooth.  Me:  “No thanks” He showed me anyway, quite chuffed he got such a gnarly tooth out of my head.  I paid the squillion dollars, they loaded me up with 4 packs of gauzes and some advice to get some “hardcore pain relief” stat.

Still undeterred and I’m pretty sure, in shock, I went and did my grocery shopping.  Starting to feel a bit woozy, I secured some Panadeine fort and got moving.  About half an hour from home, I realised my final guaze was soaked through.  Blood ahoy so to speak.

With no chemist in sight, I rifled through my handbag , praying for some tissues or baby wipes, anything to get me home.  Zilch.  What, I can somehow house an electric pencil sharpener and a Kinder Surprise in my handbag, but no fucking tissues?  Then I spotted it.  A tampon.  Look, I fully accept responsibility if you choose to turn away now.  I would.  But I had no choice.  My mouth was like a blood geyser .  I opened one up and shoved it in and bit down.  Hard.   The only thing that could be worse right now would be if I was pulled over by a policeman.   I can just imagine him on his radio back to the station.   “Yep, bringing in a tampon munching, Panadiene Forte popping lunatic, have the shrink on standby”.

Clearly I didn’t think this through.  Tampons expand with liquid.  You get the visual.

Right.   I think I’ve sufficiently humiliated myself. 

If you never want end up like me, go to the Dentist – REGULARLY.

47 comments:

Smudgeblurr said...

OMG! At first I was cringing as I can totally relate having had 4 wisdom teeth out in the dentist's chair when I was younger but at the end I nearly wet my pants laughing at the vision of the tampon - you are truly a brilliant writer - when is your book coming out?
Wxx

Birmo said...

Dentists are history's greatest monsters. There. I said it.

livinglifeasme said...

OMG I just wet myself laughing about the tampon. You are so funny Bern, you crack me up. I am a dentist phobe. I hate people putting things in my mouth and that sucker thing makes my blood run cold. Euww. You make a dental visit somehow funny. That's a talent! x

Jen said...

I don't know how you managed to make something so painful sound funny, but you did. I had a similar tooth experience on my first pregnancy but managed to get 7 years out of it before getting a root canal done. I just held out until I couldn't talk. Never had to use a tampon though!! Jen.

Jen said...

Oh, and you must have a bit of Irish in you? Your turn of phrase was like having you beside me in my sittingroom:) Jen.

Angela said...

oh Bern,

I'm crying with laughter here. Fucking hilarious!!

Nomie said...

I could see it coming... I knew once there was no tissues & a handbag there was going to be a tampon. The laughing made me forget the horror that came before it... well almost. Had my wisdom teeth out in the chair... made some smart arse crack that, really how bad could it be, I'd given birth without pain relief. Fool. Give me child birth any day over a German dentist spending 45 minutes trying to get that last fucker out as he cheerfully said 'come to Papa' I shit you not.
Have a sticky note on the front door now that says RING DENTIST NOW.

Anonymous said...

Oh god the agony of teeth. I love the thought of the tampon deploying like car airbag! Poof$*$&@)%&

In Real Life said...

Oh my goodness, I think I'll make my dental appointment right now! Thank you for the warning!

Hope your feeling better!

Wanderlust said...

Oh, that's hilarious! Sorry to laugh at your pain, but it's your fault, you tell it too well. I'll never not picture you now without a tampon in your mouth. Love it.

Wanderlust said...

...and a bird on your head.

Kristy said...

So glad that tooth is now out of your head. Dentist stuff is the worst! You were much braver than me though. I had to get a wisdom tooth removed and I paid $300 out of pocket to be put to sleep for it! Worth every penny.

A Very Fine House {and katrinaleechambers.com} said...

Ahhhhhhh what a real pain! Hope you are on the mend :)

Jane said...

OH MY GOD. The first part of that story was so disgustingly squirm-worthy. I haven't been to the dentist for about 5 years, so thank you, I think I will book an appointment for SOON.

And I pissed myself at the tampon bit. Poor you! Sorry you had to be the guinea pig to teach us all that lesson. x

Selina said...

hehehe! This totally cracked me up! And what's worse, I have a broken back tooth right now that has been broken for a bit over a year now. I think mine broke on chicken kiev though. I am about to make an appointment...stat!

Erin said...

lol You should certainly write public service announcements about the importance of dental hygiene.

Jodie at Mummy Mayhem said...

Oh, I'm sorry. I have sympathy - absolutely. But that last part made me laugh and laugh and laugh. I got the visual alright.

That's because you're such a good, and funny, writer!

Hope it feels a lot better now, Bern.

Jodie at Mummy Mayhem said...

BTW - How did you get the groovy music on your blog? Cool.

•´.¸¸.•¨¯`♥.Trish.♥´¯¨•.¸¸.´• said...

OMG GASP ....I am speechless but then I guess you were too.
I hope you are feeling better today !

Jewels Diva® said...

Been there, done that. Had my top two wisdom out when I was 17, then six months later the bottom two. Those damn bastards are the worst.

NEVER go shopping after having them out. Done that too. Bled like a gusher and had to wash my mouth out. Panadeine didn't work either, although anti inflammitories did.

katepickle said...

Oh I have so been there... 'just pull it out' seemed like such an easier (and cheaper) option at the time... must confess to giggling when you first mentioned a tampon though....

Hope it is much improved now!

Kerri Sackville said...

I am standing on my chair applauding the 2011 Blogger Of The Year. FUCKING BRILLIANT.

Seraphim said...

Ditto what Kerri said.
And really I think there needs to be an investigation into dentists. From the horror stories on here it seems to be a horribly unregulated industry ;)

So Now What? said...

Geez, thanks for all the comments. Looking back it is utterly hilarious that I had a tampon in my mouth. At the time, I was mortified.

Looks like I'm not alone in my dentist horror stories. I especially like "Come to papa" Seriously.

Thea said...

Gee thanks Bern. I've had a cracked tooth at the back of my head since Miss 2 was breastfeeding...I'm guessing it's the same one as yours...bottom right?? Right?
Now, as well as being too lazy, I'm too bloody scared to go the dentist!!

Kallie said...

When I was pregnant with my first I pretty much lost most of my teeth. One week before giving birth (with 7 weeks of pregnancy left) they removed most of them & stuck in plastic :( Some of my teeth shattered and they had a big job removing them. So about 15 stitches later and with my jaw half hanging off I got to leave. Of course few options for pain relief since I was pregnant. If I wasn't scared of dentists already I sure as hell was after that...

As to a tampon, it's essentially a cotton wad which is what dentists use anyway. Biggest difference would be the string :) Hmmm If I'd had some string when I was in that dentists chair I could have been up for manslaughter I think...

Natacha said...

I was cringing badly while reading your story... my toes are still curling! I hate the dentist, but I do go regularly, but even with going regularly I had some issues... unfortunately.

A Cajun Down Under said...

So sorry for your pain, but the tampon is hilarious!!!! Thanks for sharing.

Wombat Central said...

Oh my gosh--I didn't see the tampon coming, but as soon as you said it, I saw the expansion coming. That's too much! I hope you're feeling better now. Getting teeth pulled sucks!

Bronnie Marquardt said...

OMG I laughed out loud at the tampon ... just imagine if you had been pulled over! They might have sent you off to the nearest mental health facility where you could have a Good Lie Down. But ouch for everything else - I keep telling my kids to look after their teeth, but will they listen? May have to read them this, but then I would have to explain what a tampon is!

Michelle George said...

LMAO Bern! I had three wisdom teeth out in the chair 18 months ago after putting it off for 10 years. i can totally relate...except for the last bit te heheheh ...

Sarah said...

OMG I shouldn't laugh, but gosh the visual of the tampon was hilarious!!

aurorafedora said...

OMG!!! you are TOO funny! so sorry about your dental predicament, though! i am due for a root canal and a tooth pull soon....YIKES!!!!

Draft Queen said...

I'm still afraid of the dentist. Even after this post.

But great idea with the tampon!

Leila said...

You poor thing! I think you did frickin' amazing considering the circumstances!

The Studes said...

I love the way you write, that story/experience was utterly fantastic.
I am however sorry that you had to go through that much pain. I hope you are healing well.

Gabbie said...

You have absolutely mortified me! I'm in EXACTLY the same position, but Jake is now nearly 4, I have the same half tooth in my mouth, but X2 (top and bottom molars) and I'm not only lazy, but extremely terrified, petrified even, of dentists. Not to mention the outrageous amounts of money it will cost me and I don't have all = pain and suffering, but I'm a coward and I'll admit it.

I hope that I gather the courage to eventually find a dentist that is gentle enough...in sydney metro anyone?

Anonymous said...

cute blog.

Sarah said...

It's hard to move on when you had a traumatic or painful experience with a dentist, because indeed, a dental procedure may be really painful. I was afraid to seek help from them, but one time, a sedation dentist (Raleigh area) told me that his procedures are far better and a lot less painful than the other dental procedure. So I tried it, and he's really for real. I think you should try it next time.

Joel Jackson said...

In the end, you still managed to survive the bloody ordeal. Guess what, I was looking online for dental treatment for pregnant women and I got this post. See, my wife last week urgently needed to see an emergency dentist. Chicago is where she was, and I'm here in Vancouver for a business trip.

She's quite fine now, thankfully. I've seen her through two childbirths, so no wonder there. I wouldn't wonder then if she wants to do some teeth whitening (Chicago).

emergency dentist Melbourne said...

It is really important to have a healthy teeth, even if we like it or not.

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