Wednesday, July 28, 2010


OK.  Disclaimer.  Best advised not to read this around lunch time.  Or Breakfast time.  Or Dinner time.  In fact, let’s just put out a blanket warning that the following discussion of poo, wee, farts and unidentified stains may put you off your food.  Righteo then, let’s go.

I am writing here today about the sad loss I have recently suffered.   Something I held very dear to my heart and it has been rudely taken away from me by the people I love the most.  That something, is my toilet time.   Now, stay with me, it won’t be overly gross, wait, scratch that, it may be a little gross, but the lack of “me” time on the loo is hampering my ability to both function and parent without losing my shit.  Literally.

Once upon a time, not so long ago, going to the toilet gave either myself or Phil, Carte Blanche to spend as much time in there, as we wanted.  I vividly remember the days when I would see him desperately trying to scope out something to read and thinking to myself, oh bless, we won’t be seeing him for the next 30 minutes or so.

But then we moved here.  To the house with one toilet.  And the good times no longer rolled.  It was like all three children developed a special built in radar that activated their dire need to crap, the minute either Phil or I sat down for some quality time on the toilet.

It got to the point where I seriously considered setting up a ticketing system like the ones they have in the Deli at Coles.   Number 61, what can I get you?   Oh, a half a kilo of shit and a splash of urine thanks.   But then again, this wouldn’t work.  When you gotta go, you gotta go and I’m sad to say, our shower copped it more than once.   Children and already opened  bowels take on a world of their own. 

My biggest mistake was thinking that when we acquired our second toilet (after living with one between  5 people for 3 years) that I would find my sanctuary once again.    I can truly say that there is no such place in this house.  It’s like there is an open all hours sign plastered to my forehead  and a flickering open for inspection sign hung above the toilet door when I enter. 

It starts the minute I wake up, with the kitten using my leg as a scratching  post while I have  my first wee of the day.  This is also the time Jack bounds out of his room to tell me “I awake Mummy, I had a dood (good) sleep” and simultaneously hugs me as my pants sit around my ankles.  

Generally Sam will be roused and will come in to tell me, about 2 inches from my face, that he would like a milo and that he will be in the “new room”.  Then I force him to give me a kiss good morning.  Keeping in mind, I am yet to leave the toilet seat at this stage.   Before I do, there are approximately  seven more questions about where each of them are going that day, who will be picking them up and what will be for dinner that night. 

I could lock the door, but what would be the point.  There would just be constant knocks on the door and lots of “Muuuuum, what are you doing???  A number one or a number two?”  Then, inevitably a WWF styled brawl involving at least two of them would erupt on the tiles outside.

In fact, the whole point of the toilet is becoming redundant.  Take last night for instance.  The kids were well and truly in bed, I tucked the paper under my arm, went into the loo, shut the door, sat down and then proceeded to  shall we say, let a few wind parcels go.  That's when I hear Phil say this from outside the toilet door “Orrrrh, Ya right?!!”  Jesus, if I can’t fart in the freaking TOILET, where can I?

Perhaps it’s time to reacquaint him with the cupcake fart I perfected for my brother so many years ago.  Oh yes, I am a layyddeeee.

Oh and the unidentified stain I mentioned in the beginning?  Still unidentified but it’s a toss up between vegemite or it's suspicious lookalike.  Told you to hold off eating.


Suzie said...

Sometimes I'm grateful I generally have a strong stomach. I'm also grateful I don't have this problem.

Sparkly Tiara said...

I so remember those days. Trust me, it does get better eventually.

(But by then you'll be so used to doing your business in 30 seconds flat it'll probably take all the fun out of it.)

Sarcasm Fairy said...

My 60 year old Mum still recalls the days of when she'd have both myself, my brother and the dog in the toilet with her on a regular basis. Shutting the door was deemed pointless.

It's sad now that I'm going through the same thing (minus the dog.. thank God) but oh well. You get use to it right?

Great post. Haha cupcake fart. Won't even ask.

Tracy (ruddygood) said...

Okay. Confession time. Amongst the many & varied reasons I got divorced, one that didn't make it onto any of the paperwork was the fact that my ex-husband didn't recognise the sanctity of the toilet.

Coupled with everything else, it might have been the straw that broke the camel's back.

I could deal with the boyo wondering in to chat with me as soon as I pulled my pants down, but there was something fundamentally wrong with his father doing it, too. Or expecting me to join him there for a chat while he was doing his business. Ugh! There's intimacy, and then there's...?

Thankfully, the boyo & I are finally reaching the closed-door stage. Bliss!

Nomie said...

We have 1 toilet. In the bathroom. it faces onto the shower. Which is glass. Excellent design meets function there. The mornings are bad. Between the kids and me getting ready, the dog, there's more than enough nakedness, wee and poo to put most people off their porridge.
I try to tell myself one day the kids won't want me in there when they're in the shower, or, they'll get beyond chatting to me while I shower and they poo. I can only hope that day is soon.

As for the cupcake fart? DO I want to know?

Carol said...

Cupcake fart. Yes. We want to knoe.

Hilarious, Bern!

Thea said...

OK...I have locks on the toilet and bathroom doors and I USE them! lol
You're right, it is a sanctuary...just like that ad that was on the telly years ago (can't remember what for) before I even had kids. I really get it now! I'll take the knocking, the steps at the door to try to open them (we have high door handles), the kicking the door like it's going to cave in...rather than letting them into MY space.

Having said (vented) all love love your post!! LOL

twirlingbetty said...

Go the cupcake. But if that doesn't work, I HIGHLY recommend the good old dutch oven. Renders them pretty much defenceless. And, even better speechless. And it's much more laaayyydeee-like.

Jen said...

rofl! terrific post. I find it most depressing that I don't even notice when they come in anymore..I am so used to them coming in to chat that I think nothing of it anymore *sigh*. Loved this post! :)

Melody said...

I hate to tell you but in the villa we live in there is 5 toilets. Yep, 5. No toilet fighting here, especially since one of us four is in nappies. =)

So Now What? said...

Oh Melody 5? Do you have to clean all five yourself? Because that would be a trade off?

OK, Cupcake farting is when you fart into your hand, cup it and release it in victims face. Oh yes, very laydddeelike. The Dutch Oven is another great option, thanks and thanks for all the comments (nearly absently wrote cupcakes) xx

Mrs Woog said...

"Mum where are you?" "MUM....... where are YOU!"
this is echoed around the house each morning while I sit silently waiting to be discovered.. I LOVED YOUR POST xox

Wanderlust said...

We have four bathrooms in our house and it doesn't make a wit of difference. They are still in there with me (if not fighting outside the door). Lovely to be needed I suppose.

Eliza said...

Ok this soooo appealed to my sense of humour! Im still chuckling to myself and laughing because I too toilet in company . Dare I say this on such a public forum but once when My girl was toilet training and was curious about it all and asked to see my poo in the toilet so yes I leaned forward to let her see it and when she peered her head in to see she said oooo and fully dry reached twice as she walked out the door!!!! Still makes me laugh!!

Meredith @ thinkthinks said...

Oh as someone who spends most of my time on the loo bellowing "GO TO THE OTHER TOILET!!" to kidsoldenoughtoknowbetter that are "buuuusstttiiiiiing" on the other side of the door, I so enjoyed this.

One of my fave parenting quotes is from Maggie Groff's Mothers Behaving Badly: "I was 41 when I went to the toilet alone. It was strange. I sat there feeling rather isolated, waiting for someone to fire questions at me broadside, tug at my jeans, or fall off the garden wall. ... I think I was 43 when I remembered that normal people close the door."

Kylie L said...

Ohhhhkaaaaay. Perhaps I don't need to subscribe after all. ;)

Loved it. Am grateful I have lived in a house with two toilets all my life. First world win!

livinglifeasme said...

I don't like toileting in front of others ever. I like to have the room to myself to do whatever I want without having to feel embarrassed. Toilet time is totally my time and I do not want to share it. Thankfully my boys haven't been interested in sharing my toilet activities for many years now. I always found "that time of the month" particularly difficult as it was always a little hard to explain what I was doing. Sorry is that a little TMI?

kj said...

No, not TMI, I'm the same. I remember my Big Missy crying when I had to lock the bathroom door after I had the Little Missy. She was 4 and used to the bathroom door being open but there are things 4 year old really do not need to see!

Bronnie Marquardt said...

Ahh, having spent about 15 months in an apartment in Auckland, with just one toilet, at the top of 5 flights of stairs, I sympathise. Kids always wanted to go at the time and would call 'first dibs'. Often it was a race as to who would get there first ...and on more than one occasion, one of them would wee into the shower. Heavens above, that couldn't happen when both needed a number 2.
Luckily, I am in a place that has a main loo and an ensuite to my room. But they still need to use the loo at the same time, and fight over who gets to use mine.
And I don't know about you, but do your kids respect their Dad's time on the loo? 'Cos mine always did, it was only ever when I was using it that anyone had carte blanche to rock on in (without my permission - unlike Thea I don't have a lock!)

Ali {Mummahh} said...

Ahh I don't get quiet toilet time either, and I have 2 toilets!! Mr 2 has to sit outside my door so I'm off as quick as I sit down! No wonder I have colon hydrotherapy!!

Alyssa said...

Wow. you so make me want to have kids Bern.

Alison @ Coffee Kids Chaos & Me said...

2 loos, no peace...see shutting/locking the door as pointless, as there's nothing worse than trying to have a moment to yourself (or as it sounds like in your house, an hour) and hearing 'mum open the door! open the door! open the door!'

I have sometimes visited homes where there are adult kids (or no kids) and find a neat stack of magazines or readers digests in their bathroom. I used to find this a little too confrontational (a little subtlety, perhaps?). Now, I don't judge, I admire :)

Kallie said...

Been there, done all that along with 2 dogs... SO glad I can know tell the kids to "Leave me alone, you don't need to follow me here, it really can wait!"

I can't see me ever trying the cupcake fart and I won't be telling the kids about it ;) They would use it...

Naomi said...

Yep, with 7 young kids I don't think I have been to the toilet by myself for years. I think I would be bored...feeling you pain. Naomi xx

MultipleMum said...

I am in the same boat too! Man oh man for a bit of peace! I have never done the cupcake fart (oh but I may just have to try it), but a younger me was well known for her 'fluff ballet'. Love a good fart post! Well done.

Lori @ RRSAHM said...

Bwahaha. Just to make you jealous Bern, we gots three toilets here- and the Man still chooses to use the one in the laundry adjoining the kitchen, with the door open *sigh*

Wombat Central said...

I just realized the only one who gets private time in the bathroom anymore is my husband. Hunh. Between the kids barging in and the dog sitting on my feet looking for love, I rarely get quiet time in there anymore.

BTW, I gave you an award on my blog. It's waiting for you there. :)

Simony said...

Oh my!!! You are crazy and funny! Love your stories... Hang in there, the kids will eventually grow and give you a break!

The NDM said...

Ah! You feel my pain! I can't have a toilet break or a shower in my house without someone whacking someone else over the head with a blunt object. It's like the minute my bare arse hits the plastic, screams ensue from another room, getting closer and closer until they are just outside the toilet door. Is it too much to ask to have just a few minutes' peace? Apparently, it is.

Veronica said...

My toilet is outside, through an extension bit, which means, 90% of the time, I get to lock the kids inside and pee alone. It;s a tradeoff for having to pee at 4am sometimes, when it's -6 outside.

Becky said...

Haha, great post! My girls are yet to be banging down the door in need of the loo, but I haven't been to the toilet alone in two years now (at least)!

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