Sunday, July 4, 2010

LIFESTYLES OF THE (NOT SO) RICH AND THE (NOT SO) FAMOUS



I read today that Britney Spears ex security guard has dobbed her into the Australian version of DOCS for allegedly taking to her two small boys with a belt and feeding them food that caused them to react violently to their allergies.


Now if this is true, shame on you Brit, not cool.  But to be honest, I always had this idea in my head that the rich and famous kind of just well, you know, avoided all the hard stuff.

 
I mean doesn’t she have minions to get cross at her kids?  And cooks who just organise nutritional meals 24/7? After arsenic hour is complete, I’d like to think she just drifts on in ready with warm and loving hugs whilst accompanied by soft violins and candlelight.   Isn’t that what separates her life from mine? 

 
I guess I’m only wondering this because today I awoke to the sweet, sweet smell of faeces.  Well, actually no, scrap that, I firstly awoke to Maddie whispering loudly about 2 inches from my face “MUM!  Jack has done a poo on the toilet floor”.  My eyes flicked open quicker than Kevin Rudd called the removalists.

“What?” 

Maddie, almost apologetically mumbled “Sam is running around out in the hallway saying he can’t POSSIBLY use the toilet”.  Newsflash Sam, we have two toilets; Dad installed the other one over a month ago.

 
Still, I had that sinking feeling.  Turns out that feeling was justified.  There on our poo brown tiles (note – white grout), was a slightly darker shade of poo.  And it was mushed like mashed potato.   I, as a fully grown adult have never, as far I as I can remember, crapped out something as large as my three year old managed to today.    Perhaps I should stop right now and tell you, lovely reader, I’m about to massively over share.  Actually maybe I should have done that about two paragraphs ago.

 
Imagine being in your pyjamas with copious amounts of sleep in your eyes, three children inexplicably hovering around the mountain of poo whilst simultaneously trying to keep the kitten from eating said mountain, all the while struggling to work out what in the fuck is going on.   Well, that was me. 

 
Now, for some reason, I don’t reckon the Britstar has found herself in this kind of situation.  I’m pretty sure that shit (literally) would have been cleaned up well and truly before she arose from her slumber.  Nor would there be a rude awakening to find the kitten pissing on the folded washing in the corner.   But maybe I’m making wild assumptions here.


Maybe Brit is a hands on “Mom” and gets up at sunrise when her children do.  Perhaps just like me, she wakes up hearing Lego men being dropped like bombs onto her timber floor.  Perhaps she gets up and makes them early morning Milo and gets quite cross when, for the fourth morning in a row, one child cannonballs themselves into the other whilst holding that Milo. 

 
Do we just imagine the rich and the famous live such different lives to us?  Surely no amount of money gets you out childbirth of some description?  Surely no amount of cred means you don’t have to wipe your own bum?  And like any other mother, I imagine she loses her shit from time to time.  Actually I reckon we (the common people) are lucky to some degree.  We don’t have a third party stranger watching us 24/7 who sees us lose our patience, sometimes unfairly, with the little ones.  No one is generally there who keeps a keen eye on say, our meal choices and tut-tuts when we decide a pie & chips night is the best we can manage.  
 

I always marvel at Oprahs fluctuating weight.  I mean, I excuse my weight gain and lack of organic, healthy eating by blaming my innate lack of ability to plan and my complete busyness.  Surely, as the richest woman IN THE FREAKING WORLD, she could just employ someone to prepare really healthy yet tasty food and then just pay someone to whirl her round on an Ab-King Pro?

I digress.
 

The point is, we all lose our shit from time to time and hey, stand too close to my front door on some days and you may well hear what sounds like a screaming banshee with its arse on fire.  That would be me, telling off my kids for one reason or another.     Sure, not all of us shave our heads in front of millions and/or lose custody of our kids, and to be honest, if I see another photo of her having a ciggie above her kids head, I may very well go postal myself, but the point is, not one of us can say we are without fault. Can we?

35 comments:

Jane said...

Wow, I'd never actually thought about Britney wiping her arse. Thank you for that.

Another very funny post. And definitely something to think about! xx

Anonymous said...

mmm to appease my parental guilt, I have begun a savings account for my children, deposits are made every time i contribute to their emotional shite, I figure if I have the counselling sessions paid for, (saved for) they will know that my banshee act was simply that

melbourne mumma said...

Love this post (and your tags)!! What a crap way to start the day..no pun intended..

Smudgeblurr said...

Hey Bern,
Loved the post - as a teacher rather than a mother I can only hope I will be always able to hold it together but doubt very much that will be the case - there have already been tears - the tantrums will come next!
Wx

Melody said...

I'm not perfect either. =)

samanthac said...

Oh Bern, I sympathise with your morning! And the kitten/washing situation!
I don't think that we quite understand the glare of fame and that people always there to see celebrities 'lose their shit' at the kids. I think the cooks and the nannies and cleaners must make life a little easier - but I like to think that the day to day makes me a little de-sensitised to the crazy of my children and therefore it takes me more than you'd think to get to ballistic - however if I had a nanny then I think that ballistic would be a lot closer...... having said that if a fairy godmother dropped from the sky and offered me an all expenses paid Nanny would I say no? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA ahhhhh I'd take up the offer before she could finish the sentence! :)
Hope tomorrow is better, and includes less poo!

knitwit said...

Ha ha ha--sorry to laugh. I just love finding out that I'm not the only one whose kid has "poo incidents".
I do hope Britney is not taking a belt to her kids, and I have to think that this nobody of a former security guard probably needed a good story to get his 15 minutes of fame. But I'm sure we'll hear the whole story eventually in the tabloids...

Quixotic said...

That's priceless. I have certainly had those Mummy-mornings, but I still reckon the worst ever sentence I've been woken up with was as a teenager, when my Mum woke me up with "Wake up, I need you to bury the cat before your Dad gets home".

Cate P said...

Freakin brilliant, though I'm glad it's been a while since I ate my dinner.
Was about to say I'm glad those days are over for me, but my son will be 18 later this year..... I guess finding him pooing as well as vomiting in the bathroom will be starting all over again soon....

Maria Tedeschi said...

Funny stuff. Surely your kid's shit doesn't stink as much as much as somebody else's kid?

Love & stuff
Mrs M

In Real Life said...

Oh my gosh, what a way to begin your day! I have definitely had my screaming banshee moments too!

Bronnie Marquardt said...

Haha Bern, too funny. I mean awful for you ... but funny for us. I too, am glad I don't have a hoarde of dudes with cameras following me 24 hours a day. At least my parental meltdowns usually go un-noticed. Except maybe, by the neighbours.

Motorbikes_Lady said...

As I say to my step daughter there is no such thing as a Perfect Parent all Parents make mistakes, Love your post :-)

tiff(threeringcircus) said...

I'm certainly not the perfect Mum. I have the banshee thing going on somedays and I definitely have the can't be arsed attitude sometimes when it comes to dinner. You're right, we are the lucky ones. I'd hate to be followed around like that, with people watching my every move, it'd be worse than having the in laws over, oh wait, it IS like that when they come to dinner.

Hope the clean up in aisle 2 was not too painful.

Brenda said...

Nope. No perfect Mama here. Definitely not!

PS. I am gonna be featuring this post on AMB, ok?

Langdowns said...

Hysterical!!! Sorry, I know it didn't feel hysterical at the time, but it is definitely hysterical now. Oh man, I can relate ...

leechbabe said...

We all have parenting moments we are not proud of. Best not to point the finger unless we are willing to point it back.

I hope you survived the poo pile clean up.

life in a pink fibro said...

I laughed so much at the bit where you talked about the fact that three year olds manage to excrete the largest amount of crap known to man. I am often in awe at what appears in this house - where DO they keep it??? Sorry your morning was so damn ordinary but at least you didn't whiten your kids teeth, which is, according to unreliable gossip-rag sources, the latest of Brit's crimes against parenthood.

livinglifeasme said...

LOL I am also with you and Life in a Pink Fibro on the amount these little kids can poo out. It defies logic. As a mother of two boys, I can say that I have "lost my shit" more times than I care to remember.

livinglifeasme said...

Um just reading that comment I made I think I need to clarify. I don't mean I've lost my shit as in I've poo'd on the floor. My kids have, and in the bath and on the grass and other nice places. The shit I lose has nothing to do with poo. That is all.

Maxabella said...

Of course we all make parental errors of some magnitude but what's the point of being a celebrimum if you have to discipline your own kids? Honestly, I thought it was all mohawks and trilbies and carrying them around in front of the paps like little puppies.

Wanderlust said...

I've often thought how awful that would be to have to life your life under a microscope. It's like those families that agree to let Dr. Phil stick cameras in their homes. What are they thinking? No, none of us are perfect, though I suppose some of us are more unperfect than others.

Thea said...

Oh I am so glad I'm not famous.
Because if the paparazzi had been outside my house this morning, I'd have been dragged off to the funny farm, or giving a gold medal for screaming like a banshee.

So Now What? said...

Oh lookey here!! Not alone, thanks guys, feel better. Best thing, no poo for breakfast. Win/win

kim at allconsuming said...

Ahh - what you have there is a Turdinator. My fourth (and most definitely final) child was our Turdinator. Toilet training took six months (after his deciding he wanted to toilet train in the first place) and that six months featured at.least.one. poo every.single.day delivered on our back verandah. Or sometimes on the back lawn. Or even sometimes on the tiles. Very very rarely was it left alone, smooshed into the tiles or between the wooden slats on the verandah by a stray foot or a determined child to 'clean up'. One time it was beautifully cut up into perfectly even sizes with scissors. Oh yes, our Turdinator has BEAUTIFUL fine motor skills.

It all culminated with me, ah, losing my shit at him in a total and complete manner. You know, asking him if he wanted me to serve his dinner in a dog bowl and would he like to sleep outside like an animal? No, because he is a boy and boys use toilets, he is not an animal yaddayaddayadda. I have no idea why but it resonated on some level and every poo after that has been done in the proper location.

Emma said...

Awww I feel so sorry for you!!! Ive got 2 kids and they say "you always get used to your own kids poo eventually" but thats a big fat lie. My 4 year old is fully toilet trained obviously, so ?I dont really need to deal with her poo anymore (except those times where she proudly calls me into the bathroom to show me what a "giant poo!" shes done) but my 4 month old is just starting on solids and GAWD ITS AWFUL. If I could employ someone just to change my children's nappies, I would do so in a heartbeat!!

Vicki said...

Well, that was a crap way to start the day (pun intended). I like the labels you used. Are you planning to use "Kitten pissing on the washing" again in future blogs?

Natacha said...

Agreed! Everyone has those times when things just get out of hand... only thing is, we are not in the public's eye and it is easier to point fingers at others, rather than ourselves...but I personally completely loose it when the stars get away with acting like idiots...

Kristy said...

Yes, I am highly suspicious of celeb reality TV "stars" laying about in their beds chatting with their husbands with full make-up on and not a child in sight. Even though you know they have children. Where are the children? What have they done with them? Who are they with? Hmmmm.

Ali said...

Isn't Britneys dad a chef??????

kurrabikid said...

Don't worry, there's a fair bit of banshee noise emerging from our house on occasions, too...!!

Mothers Matter said...

Hey Bern,

I understand the kitten/poo disgusting attraction. My dog tries to rip apart nappy bags any chance he gets. He'll hike them out of the bin, tear them apart and lick them dry. I guess the only bonus is that there's no shit on them, when I have to pick up the remnants scattered round the yard. Needless to say we are now like the armourguards disposing of nappy bags: two guards per bag, one to open the bins, the other to fend off poo-hungry dog.

Kerri Sackville said...

You are too hilarious. I too have often wondered why Oprah is so fat. There is NO excuse. She wants cake? Get a fucking chef to come cook her a calorie free one! She wants Macdonalds? Pay someone to build a factory to find the recipe for the fat free equivalent! She wants a Mars Bar? Eat it and get someone to exercise for her!
As for Brits, well, she's just odd. People who choose Kevin Federline over Justin Timberlake should quite clearly not be allowed to reproduce. There is some serious genetic disorder there.

Nerdycomputergirl said...

Hilarious post! And the comments are just as good.

Karen

Simony said...

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You make everyday boring life seems very funny!
I love it!
Take care!