WHAT'S THAT? A DEEP SHADE OF PUCE?

Whatchoo Talkin Bout Willis?

I have a three year old.  Therefore I am fairly used to monumental scale meltdowns in public places.    I wouldn’t say that they embarrass me anymore, they just gives me the shits.  And actually, after three children, I think I'm pretty used to situations where large scale humiliation is the norm.  But every now and again, I get a lovely surprise and it becomes obvious that these children aren't quite finished with me yet. 

First up, it needs to be said that Jack is a very loud child.  I know, I know, all kids are loud, but do they all nearly make your ears bleed when they talk at you?  I start to feel uncomfortable these days if a perfectly good conversation isn't interrupted by Jack at a thousand decibels.  And before you ask, his hearing is fine, he just wants to be heard.   And heard he is.

He was certainly heard when, at a recent visit to the Ekka, in a crowd of thousands, he yelled in his best big boy voice “Mum, you don’t hurt my doodle anymore!” {Clarification: When he sits on my hip, it must squash his nuts, apparently this stopped happening at the Ekka}

Only just the other day he told his kindy teacher that “Mum makes me bend over and touches my bum” {Clarification: I ask him to turn around so I can wipe his bottom after he does a poo, nothing as incriminating as he’d have his teachers believe}

Kindy is certainly fertile ground for embarrassing a parent.    I ask Jack every afternoon he attends, what he did that day at kindy.  Without fail his response is "I didn't play pull your pants down"  {Translation: it probably means he did play pull your pants down and like you, I assume this  involves pulling pants down - MORTIFIED}

And of course there was last week when, happily perusing the jam packed DVD section at our local Big W, he came out with this pearler directed at me: "Who are You?"  I vaguely replied with "Your mummy silly".  He then used his usual deafening tone to exclaim "You're not my Mummy, I don't have a Mummy, leave me alone, Lady, Man. Helllllp!!"  and leaned out and latched onto a young couple who were mortified.  They weren't the only ones.  Hello Store security.

But the most unenviable position that I imagine every parent, no, actually scrap that, every adult has found themselves in, is the public toilet shaming.

You know how it goes.  It's a toilet, you've got business to do and let's be honest, if it could wait until you could get home, you wouldn't be there. But there you are minding your own business when you hear this from the adjacent cubicle from a booming 3 year old: 

"What’s that smell?"

Me: "Nothing, we are in a toilet Jack!"

"No it’s your bum mum, it stinks, is that a snake between your legs?".  Kill me now.

But at least they come in handy from time to time.  Just yesterday I had one of those shirtless, punkified  windscreen washers approach me to wash my car windscreen.  I motioned with a very fierce NO!  He still continued over to my car with his squeegee raised.  He should add lip reading to his cleaning resume, because he got the message and walked on by.  That's when Jack thought he might just clarify the situation, put his window down and say to the guy walking past  "Keep on walking dickhead". Ot Oh.  My bad.

How about you?  Have your kids dropped you in it?