Wednesday, September 29, 2010

LET THE SUN SHINE IN.



I’m going to blaspheme.  

All you people in Victoria, can I suggest you walk away now, this might upset you.

Here goes:
 
AFL shits me. 

Admittedly, I don’t understand a god damned thing about it, but, bloody hell, I've have tried.  It could be because I am just dead set thick, but I simply DO. NOT. GET. IT.

Why are unseen men blowing the whistle for no apparent reason every 5 seconds?  Why are they passing the ball to the opponent so often?    Why is Eddie McGuire everywhere I fucking look?  Why are they kicking the ball any which way but loose?  Should we just call Clint Eastwood and his Orangutan Clyde and be done with it?

I did give the Grand Final a go on Saturday and lasted around 25 minutes.  It didn’t help that I was sicker than last Mondays dog food or that my children were running around my head occasionally flicking me with rubber bands.  But to be honest, the only way I would have been remotely interested would have been if Heineken rang and offered to sponsor myself and 20 of my friends in an all day
AFLathon. 

Now, before you footy fanatics put a hit out on me, I do intend to learn.

See, today, our team, my team now, The Gold Coast Suns snagged the very talented Gary Ablett Junior to play for us.  Again, from a total novices point of view, this means that we’ve just picked up  one of the top 3 players in the country for a bucketload of cash and in the process, have probably taken the mantle of most hated AFL team from Collingwood before we’ve even started.

C’mon don’t be haters.  Let me be the first one to say: Well done Gold Coast Suns.   At least today's news has taken the heat off the bikini models who are racing around our horse track and local resident, Warwick Capper being a deadbeat dad. 

So go Gold Coast, the nation is watching us.  Sure they are probably waiting for us to fall flat on our face and more than likely plotting to key all of our cars while we sleep, but bugger the naysayers, what do we have to lose?

Oh, and if someone could explain to me the rules of AFL in a comment, I would be eternally grateful.  Remember, I need you to dumb it down.

28 comments:

Lucy said...

No comment........

Carly Findlay said...

I hate it too. Don't get the rules or the appeal.
But happy to perve on Ben Cousins. When he's not playing football.
And that is all.

Lori @ RRSAHM said...

What is this AFL of which you speak....?

Purple_cath said...

Love your work! Even tho you are taking the piss out of us afl heads (technical term) ur still hiliarious! Just yell "ball" everytime someone has it for longer than 3 seconds, yell abuse always at the umpires and other team, cheer loudly when the white man between the two big sticks does "gun fingers" and the rest will eventually make sense- if not sink piss! Then u will always make sense. By the way I'm liking the Suns! G.Ablett = gun. Sincerely yours, one eyed bulldog Mexican

melbourne mumma said...

Too many rules to explain in one comment am afraid. I don't know many of them myself, but I do know you're treading on some dangerous ground in the week of a (second) grand final ;)

Anonymous said...

I dunno but I almost spat on the screen when the picture of Warwick Capper popped up. What a tool he is!

Michelle

livinglifeasme said...

I LOVE AFL. Those arms. Those sexy arms. It doesn't matter if you don't "get" it. Just watch the arms, the graceful necks, the long legs, those magnificent jumps ... oh the glory. Did I mention that I love AFL?

Fiona said...

You have the great athletes on the field, and the ones that are all-round good guys, like Harry O'Brien.

And then you have the neanderthal behaviour that makes you want to puke, like this week's Footy Show's replay of the Shane Crawford+ass+Sam Newman scene (don't YouTube it, you'll be scarred.

Ack. I'll stick to reading my book during the footy!

Jeanne said...

Don't worry you won't be more hated than Collingwood - that's impossible - and I'm a Collingwood supporter :-)

Glen Staples said...

I fear I have no idea what you are talking about :-)

anjwritesabout.com said...

I agree that it looks like a mess of men scrambling for a ball which they seem to pass, kick or chase willy-nilly...but then I just do what Annie (Living Life As Me) does and look at the hot bods. How can you not appreciate that sort of fitness? ;)

Thea said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Thea said...

LOL, no idea! :)

Terry said...

Why dont you come and support a great Gold Coast team who have naff all supporters. Gold Coast United. We have 2 players who will play for the Soicceroos on Saturday week and we play the Kiwis tomorrow night. Bring the fam along to Skilled Park tomorrow night, or just hubby.

~~Kallie~~ said...

I have watched a whole match once. It was about 30 years ago and since then the only time I pay any attention to AFL is when they have a calendar I can perv at.

Now, just so I can look ignorant... who are the Gold Coast Suns?

Bronnie and family said...

What is this sport of which you speak? I have no idea.
I would only be interested in AFL if a bunch of us blogging chicks were invited to a fully catered hospitality box with some nice men to explain the rules to us while feeding us grapes and massaging our toes and ... oh now I've lost my train of thought.
Any man but Warren Capper would probably do ...

life in a pink fibro said...

I don't mind AFL, but it seems like a very lo-o-ong game to me. But then, not long enough for someone to manage to win it last Saturday. And so we go round again (which, by the way, rates highly as one of the dumbest rules in sport).

Kerri Sackville said...

Well... they have nice arms......

Being Me said...

I don't know either. I don't care to know. But to do the Victorian thing (and I don't mean the turn of the century, lacy thing, I mean like the state), if the footy is ever on - usually only on grand final day - I make sure I yell "BALL!!!" whenever I see a kerfuffle of more than two players. That's all I know. I have no idea why. Just do it. You'll feel like you know the rules ;)

Smudgeblurr said...

Hey Bern,
Great Post as always! I like the hot bods too - have been to a game or two but am none the wiser on the rules... sorry I couldn't help!

Heather said...

I read down the "I lasted 25 minutes" and walked away from the blog - It's not you, it's not AFL (well it is) but that fact you actually sat down and WATCHED 25minutes of aerial ping pong?

Makes me sick!

You did well - even 5 min makes me sick and I'm a born and bred Victorian!

You make me laugh - thanks!

Jodie at Mummy Mayhem said...

I don't follow it either, but I did watch a grand final in a country pub once in WA when West Coast were playing in the finals, and I've gotta say...it was pretty exciting! I think I'd like it live. I prefer sport live.

What I don't get, is why they have to re-play the grand final? Why didn't they just play for another 15 minutes and decide then and there?

Don't get it. ;)

Ace Virtual Assistance said...

Great post. Had me ROFL! I used to live and breathe football as a former flame was mad into it. It controlled our lives for the most part of the year. It was amazing when we broke up and I realised there is soooo much more to life. Oh the things I was missing out on!
Thankfully I have found a partner that despises the game and has now turned me into a cycling fanatic. The colour, the skill, the scenery, the tactics and of course the men in lycra with their toned, tanned physiques. Now this sport takes me places. We have been to Europe to the Le Tour, and plan trips to the US and Italy to experience the magic of more than just 'a sport'.
Gone are the days of boozing up before, during and after a game which requires little skill, fitness and brain capacity. Been there done that!
But as always, each to their own. Everyone has their own tastes, desires and that's what makes this world a wonderful place. I am happy though to be living outside the cage.

Kristy said...

I really don't get into any sports at all. And here in the states - football? Uck. Don't get it at all.

Mummahh said...

i HATE AFL but wawrick Capper i Love hes freaking Hilar!!!!

Kim said...

I'm so lucky because my husband is as apathetic towards football as I am.

Sometimes I wish I liked it because it does seem like a pretty good excuse to have a party!

kj said...

Bern, I am married to a former AFL umpire. (Just call him a white maggot, although they all wear colours now so that nickname is not so appropriate). We've been together 17 years and my knowledge of the rules is pretty much as minimal as it was before we met. I've been to Grand Finals, I've been to Team of the Century thingy's and I've been to Brownlows and the whole thing still shits me to tears.

But I can post you a rule book if you like? We have a few spare floating around.......

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