Friday, September 3, 2010


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Today, my daughter was telling me how her best friend "had" to break up with her boyfriend.  She dumped him and apparently, he was shattered.  In fact, she attempted to break it to him a few times last week, but he kept breaking down and crying.  And, after speaking to Maddie this afternoon, the boy reckons that this girl “ruined his life”.  Furthermore, he said he would have married her given half a chance. Did I mention my daughter is ten?

Sadly it doesn’t appear to get any easier.

Take Miss C.  She is my workmate.  You can read about how she got royally screwed by her ex-fiance’ here.  She’s only just now, ready to put herself out there, on the market so to speak.   She’s the ripe old age of 22 and ready to find her “someone”.  And with a fair bit of clubbing experience under her overpriced belt, she knows more than likely, a nightclub will not be the place to find him. 

Here’s where I admit that Phil and I essentially met in a nightclub.  Well, we were “aware” of each other prior to that night but the copious amount of alcohol and pulsating music clearly helped us to get closer, so to speak.  In fact, we have rarely spent a night apart since and that was over 15 years ago.

Ahh, what a love story.  Pissed boy meets equally pissed girl.  They give it up after only one night, awkwardly meet each other properly the next day, still like what they see, repeat first night until married or pregnant or in our case, both.  

Now I don’t suggest this scenario to singles out there.  Clearly in this day and age, with all the "substances" available, you can't really tell if someone is really into you or if the potted plant in the corner would suffice.

Back to Miss C.  Recently she has succumbed to Internet dating.  I say succumbed, because she was adamant this would never be her chosen path.  Luckily for her, she has friends who don't listen to her and put her up as eye candy anyhoo.  And vicariously, I have been cyber dating right along with her.

Daily we sit and weed through the men that have offered to be her “friend”.   She will call me over to look at the latest guy requesting her friendship and asks me if I think he is “cute”.  Now I must say, her idea of good looking and mine are completely different.  For a start, head to toe tattoos and ridiculously large forearms aren't "my thing", so we often agree to disagree on the candidate.  Yet still, we go through the motions with each and every guy.

Here’s the thing though.  Regardless of who they are, every single guy seems to think it’s a given he will show off his bare stomach.  That and the gratuitous  nearly naked shot in the mirror with blinding flash seems to be the standard approach.  Heads up guys, your attempt at bedroom eyes just makes you look like a total weirdo.  Oh, and it’s pretty likely a 22 year old girl who’s requested applicants be no older than 30 does not translate to no older than 51.

In common, all the guys vying for her attention have a heap of shots of them in action, partying and living large with their top gun sunnies on.  Guys, less is more.  Oh, and if I am forced to read one more profile that states how he will treat his lovely lady like a princess and sprinkle her in fairy dust and golden farts, I will personally vomit.  Guys, just be you.  She’s going to find out soon enough, just cut the shit.

As such, she has denied access to 9 out of every 10 who approach.  She keeps the ones who seem normal, are half decent, have a job and who aren't displaying their penis'.  Yes, 9 out of ten don't make the cut based on these pre-requisites.

So far, Miss C has been on one actual date.   She met up with a guy who was a little bit older than her, once married, now divorced, tattooed, self employed, fairly stable, dog loving and of large arm.  She described him as nice.  Too nice.  Plus he made the cardinal sin of talking about his ex.  Non-stop.  Whilst I, and her friends and family tried to convince her "too nice" isn't such a bad thing, she will not have a bar of it.  

So the search continues.

The thing is, I don’t think any of us really mature much past the ten year old heart break stage.  Some will admit to being the ones that did the heartbreaking, some will always be, the heartbroken.  The thing we can all agree on, is that we all want to be part of love.

I suggest you put yourself out there Miss C.  Go out with that one guy you normally never would.  Either that or get shitfaced at Cocktails and Dreams.


Lucy said...

Is it a mark of my nosiness, or my middle-age that I am keener to find out more detail of you and Phil getting together pissed in a club, than I am in the totally foreign concept of internet dating?!

Mrs Midnite said...

If I am single again I am going to have a go at internet dating, got to be better than trying to meet people in bars and clubs.

Kylie L said...

Bern, earlier in my career I worked in a locked ward for people with advanced dementia. I am horrified to report that those people STILL fell in love with ecah other and still had their hearts broken, despite old age, senility and (usually) incontience. Wanting to be part of the love never goes away.

Simony said...

I love your blog! Every post makes me laugh or cry.
You seem to have the most interesting stories to share with us. Thanks.

Smudgeblurr said...

Hey Bern,
Great post again! My Grade 3 students think each other have germs so no heartbreaking just yet but can totally relate to the internet dating as have been there and done that... some things haven't changed by the sound of it!

Maxabella said...

I think internet dating is too much fun not to share with us married folk. I thoroughly enjoy my time spent online with my singe girlfriends weeding out the weeds. It's hysterical. As I point out to them "look, the guy's in building, not marketing"... they are all so bad at selling themselves. Cliches, fake promises, cheesy pictures and appalling fashion choices. One day their princess will come...

And your line "you can't really tell if someone is really into you or if the potted plant in the corner would suffice" pretty much sums up modern dating!

Kelly said...

GAH internet dating does my head in... Have met some really awesome guys that I still consider friend.... I have also met some absolute jerks.... Like the guy that I agreed to meet up with... He walked up to me looked me up and down said NO..Just No.... and turned around and walked off.....Took a while to get back on the horse after that one.. But your absolutely right you HAVE to but yourself out there, Mr right is not gonna come and knock on your door!..

Jodie at Mummy Mayhem said...

Wow. I'd forgotten how hard it is out there. Dating is so different these days too...isn't it?

Admittedly, I'm kinda jealous you get to help Miss C out with this stuff. I wish I had a friend who would show me her online candidates. Oh, I'd have SO much fun checking all those out!

life in a pink fibro said...

I think half the trouble with internet dating is that it just broadens the choices. Think about it. If there are two cereals on the shelf, you'll be right into the sugar-coated, multi-coloured, gift-with-purchase option until the sight of coloured milk in the morning makes you sick. At which point, you'll turn to the sensible, good-for-you option.

Now there are 100 cereals on the shelf and the choice becomes harder - and sticking with Weetbix just seems more boring. Internet dating is the same. The parameters are too wide.

But then i met my husband in a pub, so what would I know?

Marita said...

Internet dating hands down appeals to me more than my parents suggested route of meeting someone nice at Church. ::shudder::

Heidi (5yo) has been crying herself to sleep recently because her boy friend C wont play with her anymore. He wants to play with the other kids too. :(

eatoutwithkids said...

I wonder how fewer couples in the world there would be without the pissed boy meets pissed girl scenario?? There would certainly be one less couple in this house!

Christie - Childhood 101 said...

As someone who also met her beloved husband in the old fashioned way - at a pub whilst completely intoxicated, I am so glad that I was born a generation (or two, or is it now three?) ago!

Catastrophe Waitress said...

Oh the hilarity!
Please keep us fully updated on Miss C's internet dating saga!

Jasmine said...

Internet dating ... argh! So vile! I gave that a shot last year, it was all very ... ambiguous, for want of a better word. Lots of "hi wanna chat?" messages, or guys talking about how my taste in music must be fabulous because I've mentioned some band they like. And then I get some guy that seems great - goodlooking, just returned from a year backpacking in South America, has a degree ... when out of nowhere he sends me a message saying "so wanna fuck tonight?". Okay, maybe he's taking the piss. I respond with "haha no, not tonight." Him: "sure would be nice to cum in your mouth."

I deleted my profile after that!

ecoMILF said...

LOL. I am loving your writing! Have a had a good look around. I am sure the young boy will get over it... eventually... although he may have a bit of emotional scarring for the rest of his life. Character building I say! Thanks for the laugh. xo m.