My husband is terribly computer illiterate. He’s the first one to admit it. He’s a stellar plumber, can unplug your bog and change over your cooktop in brilliant fashion. Google Tits? Sure. Email through his timesheet each week? Not so much.
Hey, I don’t mind, I can’t install a shower or hook up a gas hot water system so I figure we’re square.
But the brilliant Yvette over at Happy Child suggested I write a blog about the day in the life of my husband. So I started to think about it. About how it being 2010 and all, he’s not a father in name only. How, because I work 4 days a week, we have pretty much equal care and responsibility of our three children and all the duties that come along with that.
So, what I really need to do here is put myself in his shoes. Something I feel will be a big eye-opener for me.
Phil get’s up at 4:30am each morning. He starts work at 7:30am. Why so early? Well, he works across the border at Tweed Heads. They are an hour ahead of us for 6 months of the year with Day Light Savings. Plus, we live an hour away from the border. On top of that, he’s just a super early bird and he really likes watching Benny Hinn. Kidding, he just detests being late.
So already, I’ve got 2 more hours sleep up my sleeve than him. I’m still dreaming when he kisses me on the nose and closes the door quietly behind him.
The next 8 or so hours of his day are like that of anyone else’s who works. He goes, he works, he clocks off. So far, so standard.
From there, he goes back up Bottleneck Alley, aka, the M1 and picks up Sam from afterschool care. Then across the road to the kindy, and grabs Jack. From there, he travels a good 11 or so Km’s and picks up Maddison from afterschool care. (Yes, we have three children at three different places of education, smart I know) By the time he gets through the front door, it’s around 4:30pm.
The kids of course, are feral. They are hungry. They want a million things. I of course, am still at work.
Yet, 4 afternoons out of 5, I return home, and there are three squeaky clean children sitting around the dinner table patiently waiting for Mum to walk through the door to share and eat the dinner prepared or obtained by their dad.
And we do. Jack of course, will refuse to eat his dinner. And Maddison will polish off the lot. And Sam will be coerced into eating two more big mouthfuls of peas and meat.
Phil then prepares the lunches while I wash up and help Sam with his homework. He'll put on a load of washing, I'll clean out he kitty litter. He'll tidy, I'll hang out the washing.
Then we duke it out over who puts Jack to bed. Putting Jack to bed is easier than it sounds, but it also fraught with many exasperating returns to his room. To give him a drink of water. To wipe his bum. To clean up water from his floor. To hear about his day, one more time. To retrieve skelegton from his wedged position from the side of his bed. You name it, he will find the reason to haul us back in.
Phil will then sit on the couch or stretch on the yoga ball or sometimes he’ll play tennis with some mates.
So, yeah, that’s his day. I look at that and recognise the fact he does a lot. This is how we work. We’ve got to otherwise we,as a family, will stop. It's taken ten years to get to a point where this is "natural" for us and please don't get me wrong, it's by no means a perfect situation.
Part of me is constantly wondering when he’ll simply call bullshit on me. The other part is now realising I need to appreciate that we’ve found our groove, we are equally responsible and we just need to go with it.
So how do you juggle?
29 comments:
How do we juggle? Nowhere near as good as you :). I've caught wing of much a smooth operating team you two are in some of your other posts. That fella of yours sounds like a great guy - quite the befitting of the great chick he's snagged himself.
I work 3 days per week, some of it stretched out at home in between being primary carer. It means I do most of the above - except I rarely get up before 7.30 and hub will feed/entertain the kids in the morn til I rise and shine. Hub does help out a lot, but the fact that I would say he 'helps out' is testament to the fact that most of the load is over here piled on my wee shoulders. This is purely my fault because he loves jobs and I'm not good at giving jobs (character flaw).
BUt I loved reading about you two. The balance you've found is the way I'd like to be when I grow up. He's prob already there ready and waiting...and I'm still catching up :).
Love reading about your fam...every single time. xxx
He does do a lot, doesn't he? He's a modern husband and a keeper for sure. I wonder how long it took you to realize how much a keeper he is. Not long I'd say, not long at all. The marvels of what we do for each other to keep our family together.
My husband is a hard worker as well his up around 5am to 5.30am 5 days a week, I get up with him if I'm not already up.
I make us a cup of coffee then I either make his lunch & morning tea if I haven't done it the night before already, while he has breakfast.
His out the door by 6.30am & off to walk km's reading water/gas meters for the next 8 to 9 hours, no matter if it's raining or sunny.
Once he knocks off work he will do any shopping I've asked him to do or even go to the library for me & drop of my items or pick new ones up for me.
Then he hits home for a nice hot shower, where both us have a chance to unwind together before one of us starts cooking tea.
On weekends that's where he turns into a mr housewife he will do the housework & let me have the weekend off cause of my medical condition.
When we use to have his daughter for access he would also pick her up of an afternoon from school take her back to work sometimes & just finish of a small area (since she can't walk as far as him) then head home cook tea while I use to help her with her homework or visa versa I would do tea while he helped her.
My husband is so wonderful to me I'm a very lucky lady to have him
(((( Hugs ))))
My husband leaves the house at 5:30AM and comes back after 8PM. Works 6 days/ week during Fall. He comes home and have dinner by himself while we talk.
I am home during the day, still looking for a job and I don't know what will be when I get a job!
I will keep you posted!
Hey Bern,
Lovely post once again. It does really sound like you have found your groove. Ours depends on whether I am working supply or permanent so can vary a lot. My man is also an early riser - 5:30am and then I am up 30 mins later so no extra 2 hours for me :( We share the chores as there are only cats and chooks to look after but it works for us (most of the time!)
Love reading your blog - as always!
Wx
Bern, at the risk of soundy like a creepy freaky stalker, he sounds bloody wonderful and gorgeous. The groove thing - it takes a long time to find, so well done on getting it. xx
What an interesting post. I rarely actually think about putting myself in my husband's shoes for an entire day. A minute to check how he would feel about something, yes, but never an extended period of time. It's funny because I manage to find plenty of time to think about how things are for me!
Reading this post also makes me realise how lucky we are on a day-to-day functioning basis. If we had have stayed in Sydney we would have ended up in a very similar situation to you - me working virtually full-time, reasonably long commutes, traffic.I think this is the reality for the majority of families living in urban areas. Instead we were lucky to have the opportunity to move to Newcastle, and buy a house which has never been more than 5km from a workplace, school, day care (or beach for that matter) that we have had to attend. Chris is spoilt for choice whether to ride his bike to work, drive or take a 10 minute bus ride. He leaves home at 8 most mornings and is home by 5.30/6. All of this is just as well because he is a tightly wound lad who would go crazy if he had to commute! He doesn't have a high tolerance for the shit that most people have to put up with in life. (He would admit this himself.) But, in a crisis, he is your go-to man. (This is also lucky as we have had plenty of those recently). He has remained calm during every emergency hospital trip we've ever made, and even saved a person from drowning whilst scuba diving once. But, sit him in traffic for 20 minutes, and he will go postal. We know this. So we work with it.
He also comes home and cooks dinner most nights (mainly because I am a dumb cooker) and also helps with bath and bed time etc. Because I'm a stay at home mum, I do everything during the day, but once he gets home, it's pretty much 50/50. We do have our own roles, pretty traditional other than him cooking/washing up: he maintains house and garden, puts out garbage, might do a bathroom clean on the weekend. I do grocery shopping, laundry, and kid wrangling. The only thing that really shits me is when we go away on holidays I am the one that has to pack for three of us while he packs for one. But that's not much to complain about I realise. It's certainly not as though I spend all day cleaning!
I have to say that having one of us at home gives us more leisure time as we don't have to fit the household chores and grocery shopping etc around both of us working. But there will come a time when I really feel that i need to do more with myself, staring at the same walls (ie tooling around on twitter, oh I mean taking care of our offspring) all day presents its own challenges. And I'll be interested to see how the division of labour shifts when that time comes. For now I'll give him the benefit of the doubt!
ps Move to Newcastle Morleys. You know you want to!
Great post, Bern. It's so important to see life from our men's perspectives, rather than get caught up in the 'I do more' argument that can so easily happen.
Us? Well, after two years of parenting, we're still finding out groove. It's bloody hard, especially when I've gone from SAHM to working mum to SAHM to WAHM in the last two years.
Getting there slowly and surely - it helps to have a man who wants to be completely involved in a child's life and with the running of the house.
Wow, sounds like you've got a fantastic routine happening there!
We are simply NOT all that together, but one day maybe we will get there. For now i have the luxury of being at home with the kids, so i do handle most of the housework and child related stuff, whilst all the does is ensure he's bringing home the bacon.
Phil is a real gem!!! From what I have seen of your marriage, you are both lucky to have each other and it does work very well.
My first hubby was a paramedic and did shift work. He also was an excellent Mr Mom and did everything for me and the kids when he was on his days off (4 at a time). Unfortunately for me I didn't appreciate just how much he did for me and the kids until I booted him out for cheating on me. Obviously he had a little too much time on his hands ;)
What an eye opener for me it was doing the single mum thing. I often considered taking him back just to get more help around the house but my heart could never forgive him.
You are both keepers and hopefully nothing will ever happen to change that.
Give Phil some extra loving occasionally to show him how much you appreciate him...clearly that was where I failed.
So interesting to do a 'day in the life' of your husband. Terrific idea.
You have a great set-up, Bern. And you're right that in a modern world with both parents on the job, it's the only way to keep things moving smoothly. I'm going to say that both Phil and yourself are excellent parents. Your kids and your relationship are your first priority and Phil works hard and so do you. x
Whatever way you look at it that is one hectic schedule! For both of you. It is crazy but all in the name of a smooth running day and a happy family. Good on you for mastering the juggle so beautifully :)
Sounds like you and your hubby are doing just fine at the juggling! Also sounds like the work's fairly well divided. My poor hub works 10hr days and then if he's home early enough always helps out with baths/books/teething cleaning etc.. and on the weekends he's gold and I always manage to get some time out. Gotta appreciate that a little more, me thinks. :)
What a team!
I am not working so Mr Woog and the Woogettes get looked after by moi. I know! How retro! I did return to work after number 1, then number 2 was born with a moderate hearing loss so I took 5 years off to get him talking (and talk he does!) Mr Woog works for himself which is a god-send. he leaves the house at 7ish and gets home at 4.30. I have a few kid free days and do some freelance work. We used to juggle a whole lot more balls but have made the choice to take a few out of the mix. xo
Wow he's a keeper. I used to watch other couples longingly as their hubbies/partners helped out with parenting, played with the kids, or helped with housework. My ex was a good cook, but when he cooked I cleaned up. When I cooked I cleaned up also. He was frequently absent - physically for work, and emotionally - and when he was home, he always needed a break. So I ended up doing the parenting too. I had to work full time for most of our marriage reducing to part-time towards the end as a joint decision as he was finally earning enough for me to do this. I had no idea how much our marriage sucked and how little he thought of me until it ended. You guys sound like a great team, and yeah, life sucks hugely at times, but the important thing is you support each other and I admire that. I know you've had a tough couple of years, so it must be great knowing you have each other's backs. I love hearing stories like these. x
How good is your husband?! And what a great idea to do a day in the life of him. It's good to put yourself into his shoes and see it from his view. We are nowhere as equally balanced in our household. Partly because my husband travels a ridiculous amounts of the time, while I work 3 days a week. At home. So, I get stuck with the Lion's share. But I don't mind. He brings in most of the bacon. But thanks for sharing. And even the bit about Benny Hinn :-) But so good you appreciate all the things he does. Makes for a great team (on the same side of course)!
And this, this paragon of virtue and assistance and RED HOT SPUNK, is the man whom you treated to that very special Father's Day recently (got pissed, stayed in bed all day with a hangover whle he made his own breakfast AND that of the kids AND probably had to buy his own soap on a rope too). (In case I have to remind you)
Just asking. He sounds divine. xxxx
Sounds like a good groove to me. I've been thinking about my Hubby a bit lately and all he does. Makes being part of a modern day family that much easier doesn't it.
Right on the money Kylie about his 'special Fathers's Day'...hehehe
still love ya Bern
xxx
He sounds fantastic! I too am grateful to have someeone from the same mould, he makes school lunches most days amongst all the daddy duties he accepts with grace and a calm demeanour...and with three girls, his pony-tails are improving year by year!
The other night I got annoyed at him as I was peeling potatoes for some lack of perceived empathy and threw the peeler at him. Got the shock of my life when he stormed out of the house and went for a drive...clearly I had crossed the invisible line!!! Made me realize that sometimes I do treat him a bit casually (and peelers can be deadly you know :))
My husband is a Medical Director for a very large hospital. On his shoulders is the education and training of all the medical interns, residents and registrars. He puts on his shirt and tie every day, grabs his briefcase, kisses me goodbye and off he goes. I never think about what he does.
Mostly I have always admired his talents and abilities from afar. I know HOW he does his medical practice because I was his ICU nurse when we met. I have an IDEA about what he does, because we talk about it every night over dinner.
What has inspired me in the last three months (as opposed to the last 9 years of inspiration) is that despite a very sad and challenging time of having his 15 year old son deciding that he doesn't want to see my husband any more, he has managed to keep going to work every day with that same calm and gentle manner which first attracted me to him.
The fact that his son has rejected him and has embraced his mother's brainwashing of 9 years has not gone un-noticed by either my husband nor myself, but I can say that the sadness is well hidden behind his lovely handsome face.
I work twice per week helping bring babies into the world via caesarean sections. I like my job quite a bit. I reckon that I could do it full time once again.
The thing that stops me is that my husband is very happy coming home to a clean house, with dinner on the table. And he says that knowing that I am at home, doing my thing (whatever that may be on my days off) makes him feel good.
True, I don't ask him to do anything in the evening on the days that I don't work. He just has to sit down at the table, eat, and go and relax. I even give him a freshly ironed shirt in the morning.
Some would call me a doormat - or hopelessly old-fashioned and not a real feminist. Well, I reckon we "roll" this way because I long ago recognised a very lonely and rejected man who just wanted to have a marriage like his parents had.
When we got together I weighed up the things he wanted to provide to me, with the things I wanted to do and I made choices to keep us both balanced and happy.
Sure, I am one of the very very lucky women who have had the fortune to marry a man who can provide everything we need or may want. That doesn't allow me Chanel outfits and botox though. It's just not me.
What is me is making sure that we together are basically able to withstand the constant assault of 21st century living - which ever way we manage to do it.
Bern and Phil have a very good and health and loving marriage. You can tell it is true by the way Bern blogs about it. She indeed is also very lucky.
I have to say that if my husband's previous wife had taken the time to just listen and look at her husband and made the bed occasionally, he probably wouldn't have been so keen to leave her. Shallow? No. Sometimes men just need what they need.
Bern - love your blogs.
Lovely post. Sounds like you have a wonderful harmony going.
It is great that you have considered what your husband's day involves. Sometimes I think it would be so much easier to be in my husbands shoes. But then again, when I think about it, perhaps the grass only appears greener on the other side.
I am a WAHM. We have four daughters and hubby runs our development business and tiling contracting business. He leaves about 6:30 each morning and I usually get up then too. He is gone all day till about 6pm at night and also usually works Saturdays.
As I am home, I do all the housework and cooking and looking after the children. He helps out with the outside jobs such as the garden and keeping the outside looking good. He also does a bit of the 'taxiing' kids to and from activities.
I think we have a pretty good balance, although somedays I would just love to leave the house for once for a days work to return to a clean house, to be fed and just relax on the couch all evening :P
I think sometimes we tend to take our other half's for granted, as they do us. As many have pointed out, if nothing is said, it is only the means to the end.
I don't know if we have the balance right, but for now it is kinda working!
Loving the insight into everyones family dynamics. We've all got such different lives and we all have to find what works best for us. Hopefully no one will judge each other and what they choose. xxx Thanks for reading, I love comments :)
Phil sounds Phantastic!
I think when you're both working, you just have to both slice it up the best way you can, and sounds like you're doing a great job of it.
Because I'm at home, I mostly do all the kid stuff and cooking & tidying up etc, but Hubby does the outdoorsy things and at night he'll read stories or help with homework etc. If I have to go to a school meeting or the like, he just comes home earlier and takes over. It works well for us too.
xx
Hmmmmm. Reading this post has *nearly* made me want a husband. Well, if I could get a cool and groovy-sounding one like yours, that is.
As it is, my partner/boyfriend and I (we have no kids together) live 45 minutes drive apart. He deals with his grown-up kids (usually by shouting and hiding the Foxtel card / cutting off the internet when they leave the place a mess) and I deal with mine (also usually with a fair amount of shouting and an even greater amount of chaos and mess, but lots of lurve).
We catch up when we can.
It works perfectly for us!
How do we juggle? Well, for the last 4 months with Himself living in Deutchsland he has done SFA and I've done everything. Not entirely true, as he took his business shirts (meaning ironing. Ick) and his daily mess with him. I employed a gardener. More of a mowing man but gardener sounds so much more fantasy-like...
When we both reside in the same country/house I do the daily stuff (washing, ironing, spending hours online, weekday cooking). Once he gets home he always pitches in - does the whole bedtime palaver with the kids (cos I LOATHE it) while I do the dishes.
He comes home next weekend and I think as he has become accustomed to washing and ironing his own clothes hr should continue to do so. After all, you should always continually practice newly acquired skills, just so he doesn't forget, like.
Oh, and the gardener is staying. Erm....I don't mean 'staying' as in staying here just that he will continue to keep my garden tidy....ahem.
Wow, you juggle so well! I can't believe the amount of stuff you and your husband do to make the household run smoothly.
This is a lovely tribute to his work :)
I've only just discovered your blog, so this comment is out of left field a bit, eh?
I have Degenerative Disc Disease, which basically means my spinal discs are oozing and compacting and causing all kinds of pain one doesn't even want to think about let alone live with. My husband has been my carer for 3 yrs now, and we have a 5 yo son and Miss "I'm a big girl" almost-3. My husband is responsible for everything in this house, from emptying the kitty tray to shopping, getting kids to and from school/care, my personal chauffeur since I cant drive anymore. He does the washing, the cleaning, the cooking, the dishes, the vacuuming, the gardening, the driving, the lifting of small people, the changing of bums and the toilet training, the amusing small people because mummy is in pain or exhausted and needs to lie down for several hours. There is no time off. No compensatory income. No "couple time" because we are together 24/7 and THAT is a marriage-killer if ever there was one. He is the brawn, the muscle of the operation, while I am the brains. ("You. That stuff. Over there.")
Our situation works in a physical sense because it has to, but as a sustainable relationship-nourishing state of affairs it sucks. Emotionally it is a nightmare, not the least because we have two people who cant do the things they want to be doing. He didn't sign up to be a Carer full-time, and I DID sign up to be a full-time mother, which I now can't do.
We are involved in the kind of juggling that you know is going to smack you in the head any minute now.
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