So, here’s something that I completely forgot to do when I gave birth – have an orgasm.
I happened across this when we went to the library the other day. We go down there every two to three weeks or when we get the official council letter in the mail telling us we have overdue books and movies. Whichever comes first.
Thankfully they are a forgiving bunch and don’t even charge late fees. Oh, except for that time I returned a book with an unidentified yellow liquid on the side of the book. They pinned it to me because it was a new release and I was the first to borrow. I am now, $23.85 later, the proud owner of a stained copy of Parenting for Dummies. I’m only half kidding.
Anyway, back to my latest quest to the library which of course was mainly for Sam. Sam is currently obsessed with Blimps and Hot Air Balloons. Sam: “Hey Mum, for Christmas, could I please have a remote controlled blimp”. Me: “Well you’re going to have to write and ask Santa mate”. Pan back to me, frantically searching the shit out of the internet trying to track down a remote controlled Blimp. I wonder if this is how Balloon Boys parents started out.
Right, still digressing, still not explaining myself very well and let’s face it, you’ve all come here for the Orgasmic birth bit. I’m getting there. Apparently patience is a something, something, something, so hang in there.
Right, so there I was vigilantly hunting down Myth Busters and in between “Pigeon Racing – Secrets of Champions” and “An Impromptu Introduction to Non-Violent Communication”, I stumbled across this: ORGASMIC BIRTH, THE BEST KEPT SECRET. Um hello, it certainly is the worlds best kept secret because of the three times I have given birth, the only thing I have come close to is ripping my ladybits apart and swearing off sex for good.
So of course, in the interest of all the faithful readers out there, I decided it was my duty to loan this out and let you all in on the secret.
Straight up – No one hit the Big O. False Advertising at it’s finest.
There are about 11 different stories on the DVD, all of which follow different couples and the “orgasmic” births of their babies. Basically though it came down to them wanting to change peoples views on childbirth. To let them be aware that it can be peaceful. It can be beautiful and that we are all equipped with natural endorphins and oxytocin to help us through the experience. Basically they want the scare factor to be taken out of the equation. Not such a bad thing.
The first couple started with some fairly passionate kissing out in the back bush. Next he was pouring water down her back and gyrating against her. Then he tenderly squeezed her boob. I was just waiting for them to start squashing strawberries into each others mouths and re-enact 9 and ½ weeks. The less sexy version.
Quite frankly, if Phil had dared touched my boobs during childbirth, he would have been the one to get ripped a new arsehole and not vice versa. You’ve got to feel sorry for the guys. Our boobs look the greatest they’ve ever been in our lives about two days after we’ve given birth and the irony of that of course is, all they can do is admire from the distance. And sometimes even that hurts.
So she gave birth and they lay out on the deck and waited for the extended family to arrive. Orgasm OVER.
Next are Bill and Tammy. Bill and Tammy too like to do stuff outside, in fact they confess that their baby was conceived in the garden. Tammy is on her yoga ball bouncing around. Clearly she is not in full blown labour yet. 3 hours later, after Bill has basically been dry humping her from behind and Tammy, although not swearing, has clearly had enough of Bill trying to get it on mid-labour, gives birth to a beautiful baby.
There were about 5 more variations of this before I decided I’d had enough ecstasy for one evening.
My experiences however, brought about very little pleasure. Although having what I guess would be considered "textbook" labours, I did inadvertently nearly rip my husbands fingers off and scar him for life with things that innocent eyes are just not meant to see. Jack, number three, was my best birth. I just got on with it and pushed that sucker out with no stitches. He was also my largest which I guess just makes me a completely loose goose.
I think Shelley summed it up perfectly for me this morning on twitter: @MyShoeboxLife Oh please.. I didn't even have an orgasmic conception!
Love to hear your thoughts. Is it possible? Did you have an actual Orgasm during child birth? Was it just really enjoyable?