I happened across this when we went to the library the other day. We go down there every two to three weeks or when we get the official council letter in the mail telling us we have overdue books and movies. Whichever comes first.
Thankfully they are a forgiving bunch and don’t even charge late fees. Oh, except for that time I returned a book with an unidentified yellow liquid on the side of the book. They pinned it to me because it was a new release and I was the first to borrow. I am now, $23.85 later, the proud owner of a stained copy of Parenting for Dummies. I’m only half kidding.
Anyway, back to my latest quest to the library which of course was mainly for Sam. Sam is currently obsessed with Blimps and Hot Air Balloons. Sam: “Hey Mum, for Christmas, could I please have a remote controlled blimp”. Me: “Well you’re going to have to write and ask Santa mate”. Pan back to me, frantically searching the shit out of the internet trying to track down a remote controlled Blimp. I wonder if this is how Balloon Boys parents started out.
Right, still digressing, still not explaining myself very well and let’s face it, you’ve all come here for the Orgasmic birth bit. I’m getting there. Apparently patience is a something, something, something, so hang in there.
Right, so there I was vigilantly hunting down Myth Busters and in between “Pigeon Racing – Secrets of Champions” and “An Impromptu Introduction to Non-Violent Communication”, I stumbled across this: ORGASMIC BIRTH, THE BEST KEPT SECRET. Um hello, it certainly is the worlds best kept secret because of the three times I have given birth, the only thing I have come close to is ripping my ladybits apart and swearing off sex for good.
So of course, in the interest of all the faithful readers out there, I decided it was my duty to loan this out and let you all in on the secret.
Straight up – No one hit the Big O. False Advertising at it’s finest.
There are about 11 different stories on the DVD, all of which follow different couples and the “orgasmic” births of their babies. Basically though it came down to them wanting to change peoples views on childbirth. To let them be aware that it can be peaceful. It can be beautiful and that we are all equipped with natural endorphins and oxytocin to help us through the experience. Basically they want the scare factor to be taken out of the equation. Not such a bad thing.
The first couple started with some fairly passionate kissing out in the back bush. Next he was pouring water down her back and gyrating against her. Then he tenderly squeezed her boob. I was just waiting for them to start squashing strawberries into each others mouths and re-enact 9 and ½ weeks. The less sexy version.
Quite frankly, if Phil had dared touched my boobs during childbirth, he would have been the one to get ripped a new arsehole and not vice versa. You’ve got to feel sorry for the guys. Our boobs look the greatest they’ve ever been in our lives about two days after we’ve given birth and the irony of that of course is, all they can do is admire from the distance. And sometimes even that hurts.
So she gave birth and they lay out on the deck and waited for the extended family to arrive. Orgasm OVER.
Next are Bill and Tammy. Bill and Tammy too like to do stuff outside, in fact they confess that their baby was conceived in the garden. Tammy is on her yoga ball bouncing around. Clearly she is not in full blown labour yet. 3 hours later, after Bill has basically been dry humping her from behind and Tammy, although not swearing, has clearly had enough of Bill trying to get it on mid-labour, gives birth to a beautiful baby.
There were about 5 more variations of this before I decided I’d had enough ecstasy for one evening.
My experiences however, brought about very little pleasure. Although having what I guess would be considered "textbook" labours, I did inadvertently nearly rip my husbands fingers off and scar him for life with things that innocent eyes are just not meant to see. Jack, number three, was my best birth. I just got on with it and pushed that sucker out with no stitches. He was also my largest which I guess just makes me a completely loose goose.
I think Shelley summed it up perfectly for me this morning on twitter: @MyShoeboxLife Oh please.. I didn't even have an orgasmic conception!
Love to hear your thoughts. Is it possible? Did you have an actual Orgasm during child birth? Was it just really enjoyable?
41 comments:
And let me also add that I certainly wasn't faking those sounds during child birth..;)
My boys both came out through the sunroof. Emergencies. General anaesthetic. Nothing orgasmic. I'm not even sure that I was there.
My first, not so much fun.
The second time around? I'd do it again tomorrow!
Not a single orgasm though.
What a load of pants!
And kudos to you for having the guts to hire out something with such a graphic title! Were you wearing a disguise? A trenchcoat and moustache perhaps?
Oh no I wasn't but didn't know this rule: Only 10 DVD's allowed out at a time over self checkout. Had to take it up to the counter and do it manually. It was like a hot potato in the old ducks hand. Hahaha
I had an orgasm... it happened about 40 weeks before the birth though. Damit! Was never good with timing ;)
Emergency C-section for number one, followed by massive post-partum haemorrhage, emergency surgery, 13 blood transfusions and 11 days in ICU. If there was an orgasm in there, I confess I missed it. When I woke up I wasn't even sure if I'd had a *baby*.
I don't know about an Orgasm. I didn't have one either time. But if you read Ina May Gaskin's opinion on kissing etc during childbirth it makes a lot of sense. We didn't do it either, thinking about it now it's probably the least sexy I've felt but she thinks that the way it got in is the way it comes out - and I kinda like that :D
I can not imagine having an orgasm in front of the cameras, or doctor or nurses... Makes me sick!
But anyway, I had 2 c-sections and lots of pain afterwords. Not a chance for orgasms!!
Oh Bern, this is classic. (And thanks to Shelley for her cameo comment - I just splurted coffee on my fecking keyboard AGAIN.)
No organisms for me.
My births was pretty amazing, but in a "just good friends" kind of way. No lustful happenings.
I have asked lovely husbnad on his thoughts. To which he replied "Luce, I just wanted to get the fuck out of there with my hand unbroken and away from your swearing and have a fag. Shagging could not have been further from my mind."
I saw a similar documentary, but the one I was was watching included a woman who did, in fact, have an orgasm during labor. It followed her through her 2nd pregnancy and she, of course, was hoping for an orgasmic repeat on the 2nd birth. No such luck for her. I guess no one's allowed *multiple* orgasmic births.
I have birthed two babies, all natural. I felt a lot of things, but an orgasm wasn't one of them.
I feel so sorry for the women that only had one. Multiple orgasms for me!
Fantastic post. Loved it!
TMI
*runs off to rinse out eyeballs*
;o)
Uhhh, i'm sorry between the pain of contractions and the pain of a farking watermelon trying to come out of my vadge i don't think i was feeling the slightest bit of pleasure let alone thinking about pleasure at the time.
Am i the only one who thinks it's sorta creepy these guys were gettin' it on with their labouring ladies? Seedy.
2 C-sections for me as well so alas, no orgasmic experience.
I did just get the privilege of seeing Bern in our office kitchen demonstrate the dry humping and grinding that the men were doing in the dvd!!
Priceless...wish the camera had been close by, you guys would have loved it!
Oh yes, don't knock the experience. My husband and I experienced a transcendental birth with our son. It was like I was hovering over my body whilst this amazing force of energy flowed through me. It was I would say, orgasmic. I haven't really told too many people about our experience except to say it went as smoothly as could be expected!
Summer
After the birth of my first daughter I told my obstetrician how much I enjoyed it. He tells me this is the firs time he has ever heard this.
To give the full story, I had a caesar at 35 weeks due to pre-eclampsia and small baby. I suspect this comment was aided by being given 2 strong sleeping tablets the previous night. And I know they were strong as I had to crawl to the loo in the middle of the night. Laying on the operating table I started to laugh hysterically when my leg fell off the table and as I had already had the spinal block I couldn't move it. All I could think of is that ad where the moose head is on the wall and he's saying "My legs! my legs! I can't feel my legs!"
But, anyhow, I had a relaxed caesarean due to too many sleeping tablets, but no orgasm. Which, quite frankly, if it had happened would have been really rather embarrassing given how many people there are in the room when you have a caesarean.
(I did not orgasm during my 2nd caesarean, either, nor did I find it all rather amusing due to the lack of sleeping tablets.)
Oh I'm so glad I came and read that today (no pun intended really). So funny - the comments cracked me up too. Love the "sunroof" option.
I am trying to remember if between the forceps, the sink plunger, the obstetricians hand, the scissors & scalpel and the god awful contractions whether there was any pleasure down in the lady garden. I don't think so somehow.
Still laughing and so needed today. xx
This post was SOOOO worth the wait! I have pissed everyone off in the office with my laughter.. leading to 5 men surrounding my computer reading your blog!
I think KJ has the right idea - I might ask for the hallucinogenic sleeping pills before I have to give birth!
Bern thanks for brightening up my day!
xx
I didn't have an orgasm as such but my husband said I sounded like I was when I was having contractions. Awkward.
I was moaning and yelled "Oh My God" a lot. Does that count?
Not. Even. Close.
Hmm my children may have been born at the same time as I had an orgasm but since I was in a different location to both of them at their births I doubt it would count :) the children I did give birth to were not accompanied by orgasms, only loads of medical staff & uncertainty. I won't be going back to see if I can achieve one, too old, don't want more kids & right now (dammed operation) can't even contemplate sex let alone childbirth.
I shook like crazy and took it all lying down....but orgasmic, not in the freaking slightest! Emergency c at my end. Bravo you for grabbing the DVD and subjectig yourself to what sounds like a fairly creepy bunch with their hearts in the right place. I do like a challenge though...maybe next time!
I have been reading Ina May Gaskin's 'Guide to Childbirth' as I'm preparing for the birth of my second, and she talks a lot about 'orgasmic birth' - from what I know it's not about having an actual orgasm, it's about seeing birth as a pleasurable experience and trying to think of it as a state of ecstasy rather than the 'holy shit what is happening to me' fight or flight sensation we get when our bodies are in pain.
There is method to the madness of these creepy seedy people ;) arousal and pleasure and kissing all helps you to feel good, which stops you from clenching your muscles to fight the pain of contractions, which helps your pelvis to widen and your cervix to soften and open. which in turn helps birth to be the quickest and easiest it can be. birth is easiest when women feel relaxed and safe (very hard when you're in the labour ward and you have people constantly walking in and out and medical students watching you etc) so it makes quite a lot of sense to me that there is definitely a sexual aspect to birth and it's a shame more women don't know about it.
Ina May also talks about laughter and humour during labour - laughter helps you relax. She often tries to get the women she helps birthing to smile in between contractions. Same theory :)
I am 29 weeks pregnant and also a hypnosis for childbirth practitioner. I have had hundreds of couples attend the course and they have had varied births but for 98% of them the experience of childbirth was a positive event.
I have had one lady who said she could have had an orgasm during labour - her words were "it was a fine line and I could almost feel that I could have had one"
I think we need to talk more positively about birth as there is so much fear about birth that is not healthy.
I am sorry that women around the world have a horrible experience but we are made to birth and I really feel passionately that if we go into birth feeling confident and prepared then birth can be a magical experience.
My plea to women everywhere is that you talk to other pregnant women and let them know that it is an amazing experience.
What benefit do women get from telling other women horror stories about birth? Does it make you feel better?
We are generally supportive if someone tells you they are going in for a knee operation or something similar but when it comes to childbirth we put the fear of god into these women - it's not fair!!! Let them have their own experience and enter the process feeling confident that their bodies were made for this!
Such visuals! It was bad enough with birth #2 that my stand-in doula (primary got called away by a family emergency) had halitosis of the worst variety. Boob grabbing would have sent me over the edge and caused me to end my husband's orgasm career for good.
OMG, the first video you described, I was like - mouth hanging open, disgusted. UGH. This all must be created or thought up by a MAN! :)
Birth No.1 - 32hrs posterior and waaaay not orgasmic. Birth No.2 - 2hrs and downright fantastic; so fantastic that 20 mins after Blossom was born I announced "If that's what it's like, let's have heaps!" Clearly the endorphins were in fine form, but orgasmic? Methinks not! Honestly, birth should not be a scary thing, granted, but anyone who hits the Big O during childbirth obviously doesn not have their mind on the job at hand. Does this whole approach to removing the fear from childborth not seem a little like false advertising?
PS - What really helped me was focussing on relaxing my jaw - very hard to hold tension without also clenching your jaw and the jaw is connected to the nether region in Chinese medicine, so relaxed jaw equals relaxed passage. Alas, relaxed jaw does not equal orgasm.
Hhahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahah
Haven't finished yet
HHEHAHHAHEHhheehahahahhaahahhahaaou7947htjerhtgiuya9gsa98... trails off into crazed hysterics. x
Natural, drug-free births x 2 for me. My last I felt as if I could have died and was scared shitless. And I think I did literally shit. =) (How about a post on that eh? lol) But then I was experiencing a birth of a child born in the UAE where it was lucky that my husband was allowed in the room (most husbands are not allowed to be in the birthing suite with you - my hospital allowed him to be which is one reason why I chose it ) and had a dozen nurses (NO JOKE) all watching to see a big Aussie baby being born. I seriously couldn't imagine having even kissing Lyndon in front of all those people, let alone have an orgasim!
Orgasmic? No- BUT: I did thoroughly enjoy both of my labours and deliveries. Loved being in labour, the contractions. HATED being pregnant. Ugh! Pregnancy was not kind to me at all! But, it was all wortg it in the end
My four were born so long ago, I can barely remember the births. The youngest is 29. I do remember NOT having orgasms, but the births were quick (around 4 hours each)and easy, although not exactly painless.
I was screaming and swearing a lot with baby number one; and moaning and breathing heavily with baby number two. That's about as close to an orgasm as I got. Childbirth is a wonderful contraception aid ...
Being dry humped for 3 hours whilst in labour? Oh, yeah, that'd turn me on for sure..... *withered look to camera* I can come at (sorry, that was cheap) a euphoric feeling birth (had one with #1), I can accept calm, peaceful, etc etc. But orgasm? It's a bit of a stretch. Oh.. SORRY! did it again.
I'm sure from the next room it might have sounded like I was having an orgasm, but it definitely wasn't. It was awesome to go drug free and I'd do it again in a heartbeat.
I was far too busy shouting FUCK YOUs to my hubby and the nurses that I forgot to have the Big O.
Both births were natural - one with drugs one without. Wouldn't change a thing.
Hahahaha. Oh my. I do remember reading a bit about this. Just too bizarre. I had an awesome birth the second time round. But no where near orgasmic. Hehe.
Bern I threw things at my husband during my first labor. That was wonderful. And the closest I remotely came to an orgasm. Which was NOT AT ALL.
He he - I'm picturing the males in the vid wearing loose ponytails and cheesecloth shirts atop fisherman pants. No orgasm here, although when I finally got to the pushing stage I was so relieved and pumped full of syntoxin that I reached a 'happy place, shouting 'ring of fire' on crowning.
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