If you had peeked into my window on Saturday morning, you would have seen me on my hands and knees. Getting down and dirty.
Mind. Out. Of. Gutter. Sorry, nothing saucy. Oh unless the unidentified treacle-like substance I was trying to scrub off the window sill was actually tomato sauce, then yes, it was saucy. And revolting. I place the age of the brown sticky substance somewhere between Easter 2009 and Fathers Day 2010. Oh yes, if nothing else I am ever vigilant about keeping my house.
The reason for my sudden burst of housekeeping? We were expecting a babysitter at precisely 5:30pm. And not just any babysitter, this was Jacks teacher at Day Care.
The house was in its usual bombsite fallback position. Crumbs on the floor, urine puddles on and around the toilet, a mountain of washing harbouring wet towels thoughtfully dumped between the dry clothes and of course, bowls with petrified apple cores languishing in the sink. This is nothing unusual on a Saturday morning. We’ve both worked all week, we’ve let things slide and to be honest, it just gets dirty again the minute we clean it.
But this Saturday was different. Phil wasn’t about, he was working. Jack was being insanely difficult.
Breaking things, dropping bags of oats on my mopped floor even though I had explicitly requested he stay out of the kitchen, those kind of shenanigans. Not much was getting finished and to be honest I was getting sidetracked. Instead of just focusing on one room I would flit and get distracted and half of most everything got done.
It kind of helps though when you have someone coming over. Puts it all in a different perspective. You start to see your house through someone else’s eyes. And you shit your pants a little. Suddenly you notice the DVD’s scattered willy nilly through the bedroom and the inch thick dust covering the plasma. And then you notice the mould that has started to overtake the bathroom ceiling. Shizenhausen.
So after a hearty day of jiffing the shit out of the bath, sugar soaping the walls and cleaning the underside of the highchair (just in case the caked on gravy is discovered), I got myself ready and prepared for the lovely Cheryl.
We went out and had a lovely night. Oh except for a stupid sniper who decided to start shooting random people from a high-rise RIGHT where we were about to tag along to a party and meet Julian McMahon. The whole of Surfers Paradise was put into lock down and we couldn’t get in. Way to ruin a chance meeting with a big shot celebrity stupid sniper guy. Sorry, I've regressed, back to the riveting story about my lack of housekeeping skills....
So, we came home and not only were our children all sleeping and safe, Cheryl had pulled my clothes from the dryer, folded them and washed the kids dinner dishes. I wanted to bottle her. Or at least hold her captive for a few days.
Alas, as neither were options, we bid her farewell and I made my last and pleasantly pissy, stopoff to the toilet. That’s when I saw it. Caked on poo. It seems at some stage, after I had cleaned the toilet that afternoon, one of my children (presumably the 4 year old) had gone to the toilet and performed what appeared to be some kind of crazy dance move and rubbed his ass all over the back of the toilet seat.
Oh God, why did I even bother trying.
Do you clean for the cleaner? The babysitter? The Mother-In-Law? Or just for yourself?
29 comments:
Children always win the war of "Clean House" it seems. I only clean for myself and people we don't know overly well. The rest can just take it as it is.That means if they decide to lovingly caress the underside of our dinner table they will most likely encounter hard clumps of dried weetbix. as for the bathroom I keep a packed of the flushable toilet wipes and send visitors off with the warning "The cleaning wipes are there if you feel you need them".
Only the best for our visitors.
Forget poo on toilet seat. I'm so grateful that my "pleasantly pissy" chats to the babysitter at the end of the night are never recorded.
And btw, my wardrobe edit clients usually sort through their wardrobe before I arrive too.
And abtw, our house is a shambles come Saturday but I channel my husband's OCD towards this. It's a shame really, he can't relax into the weekend with cleaning the house first.
I tidy for the cleaner. I clean for babysitters. I clean for my SIL because she is a judgmental bitch.
And I leave the Hoover at the front door, so anyone else who pops in unannounced when the huse is filthy is under the illusion I was just about to clean.......I hope?
OMG, I so relate to this! I thought is was bad before but now that I'm the only one doing the cleaning it's a lost fucking cause. My kids untidy faster than I can pick up. I just don't invite people over! Now I'm just hoping for a really selective natural disaster.
I do a general clean if expecting someone but I've slowly come to learn It you that a person/people are comming to see not your place.
Messy or Clean place it doesn't change the person you are on the inside.
At the moment the place can do with a general basic clean but I'm leaving it till I feel better so if anyone comes visiting tough luck.
(((( Hugs ))))
I only clean when people are coming over. Doesn't really seem any point otherwise!
I clean for everyone. I tend to do one of those super quick tidies, including shoving dirty laundry into the washing machine to hide it :P
I work as a babysitter/nanny and it always amuses me that people would tidy up for me. The first 6 months I was with one family:the place was immaculate...until their work demands increased then I offered to do a few chores with the kids (THAT was fun *shudders*).
My MIL babysat last night and will again tonight. This is a woman who has never owned a mop, all the lino areas (yes, lino does still exist) are scrubbed and washed by hand, and made her kids give 24 hrs notice before bringing a friend home from school to ensure the house was in appropriate condition. There are no towel rails in her bathroom as towels make the bathroom look messy. I could go on, but I won't. Although I really, really want to!
I do clean and tidy before she comes over, but I know that it doesn't matter what I do it will never be enough, so there's a limit to my cleaning.
I clean for everyone, but also for myself as I actually enjoy it. BUT I'll never forget when the bank manager was coming to value our house for something. Husband phoned while I was breastfeeding and he was due to arrive 20 minutes later. I left bub squalling while I frantically ran round and tidied up everywhere.
He came, observed and left with a strange look on his face. I later discovered that in my frazzled state I'd emptied all the leftover dishes down the toilet but forgotten to flush it.
Gross factor: HIGH
I can't believe your house gets dirty the minute you clean it. That must make you feel so beaten and taken for granted. Why, if my house did that I would never clean at all. Ever. x
I can't keep up with the cleaning and kids. And yes, they always seem to need to do a great big crap in the loo just AFTER you clean it! I live in fear of people who 'just drop by' because the people who do that live in impeccable houses with white lounges, despite having kids.
I too am in the grip of some sort of cleaning frenzy. It is so freakin' pointless. But yesterday? I vacuumed the CEILING on the verandah AND cleaned the inside of the oven door.
Madness. Pure and simple.
Hey Bern,
My house is on the market so I am the cleaning crazy person at the moment - my house has NEVER been this clean!! I loved the "Not much was getting finished and to be honest I was getting sidetracked. Instead of just focusing on one room I would flit and get distracted and half of most everything got done." That happened to me this morning - i was chasing myself around and then I ended up chasing next doors dogs back into their yard in my pj's!
The day can only get better!
Wx
I am cleaning for the cleaner now. We have a MAJOR skiddies issue here at I would be SHOCKED if anyone saw it (what am I geeding these boys??)
you know I meant feeding....
Geeding works equally well.
Your blog should come with a warning ... never take a sip of hot tea just before reading as you're likely to spray it all over the computer monitor when laughing out loud. Great post!
I clean twice a year, whether the house needs it or not.
Oh God YES!
Invited my son's inlaws around on the weekend..my house, which to me is perfectly acceptable, suddenly looked like it was lived in by a herd of bikies on crack. Had a last minute massive clean/tidy up in preparation ...except the bathroom ceiling, which was a seething mass of microscopic fungi... AKA mould. No time!! I've been meaning to clean it for weeks but...
I secretly held on to the notion that they may not need to use the bathroom while here for a mere few hours..I even thought about restricting drinks to help the cause..
No such luck ..my excellent housekeeping skills have been outed!
So first thing yesterday I scrubbed that sucker within an inch of it's life. You now need to wear sunglasses to even walk into the bathroom.
I'm composing new invites..no one will think it odd that I hold pre-Christmas drinks in my toilet will they?
Caked-on poo??? Priceless. I clean up when someone comes over. It's pretty rare these days, so there's an awful lot of dust around the joint. Best i have someone in to visit real soon.
Like so many commenters above, it's when someone is coming over that the real cleaning happens in our house. And no matter how many times I tell myself that I am not exactly sitting around twiddling my thumbs, I often feel guilty about the state of the house. So I LOVE reading this stuff- it makes me feel quite normal. The one thing I tell myself over and over again is that when the kids look back on their childhood it will not be the shining dining table, polished pristine floors, neatly stacked toys or perfect painted walls they'll remember - it will be the experiences, the friends over, the holidays, the cake baking, the Lego-making, the cubby making etc. I may still remember the chaos, but I doubt they will. Slowly, trying to get over myself on this one ...your blogpost is therapeutic
I mostly clean when someone else is coming over...otherwise I run a daily schedule of "tidy up". The number of hours I spend on my knees sweeping up crumbs with a dustpan and broom, hell, I'd might as well as hubby for one of those robot vacuums for my birthday. But I won't. Because I still like shiny things better and (apparently) a good ol' whinge. ;)
P.S. Still LOL at Seraphim's leftover food unflushed in toilet bowl!!
this comment box is almost like a confessional, I watched my mother clean for cleaners while my sister and I scoffed at her pitiful behaviour and now we both do it! Brilliant Bern, at least you can blame it on the kids, unlike the unflushable tampon I shared with a first date. The shame, I'm cringing now, 20 years later. Kx
I'm one of those annoying people who had four under 8 and still always had a clean house. Not exactly sure how I managed it, but the kids did play outside a lot.
It's actually very complicated in this active life to listen news on TV, so I simply use internet for that purpose, and get the newest news.
Also visit my web-site :: hardwood floors
We are a bunch of volunteers and starting a new scheme in our community.
Your website provided us with useful info to work on.
You've done an impressive process and our whole community can be grateful to you.
My web page: just click the following web site
Also see my web site > hardwood floors
all the time i used to read smaller articles or
reviews which as well clear their motive, and that is also happening with
this piece of writing which I am reading here.
Feel free to visit my site; toe nail fungus treatments
my website - toe nail fungus treatments
Hey, I think your site might be having browser compatibility issues.
When I look at your blog site in Firefox, it looks fine but when opening in Internet
Explorer, it has some overlapping. I just wanted
to give you a quick heads up! Other then that, superb blog!
My website; zetaclear side effects
Post a Comment