I’m going to blaspheme.
All you people in Victoria, can I suggest you walk away now, this might upset you.
AFL shits me.
Admittedly, I don’t understand a god damned thing about it, but, bloody hell, I've have tried. It could be because I am just dead set thick, but I simply DO. NOT. GET. IT.
Why are unseen men blowing the whistle for no apparent reason every 5 seconds? Why are they passing the ball to the opponent so often? Why is Eddie McGuire everywhere I fucking look? Why are they kicking the ball any which way but loose? Should we just call Clint Eastwood and his Orangutan Clyde and be done with it?
I did give the Grand Final a go on Saturday and lasted around 25 minutes. It didn’t help that I was sicker than last Mondays dog food or that my children were running around my head occasionally flicking me with rubber bands. But to be honest, the only way I would have been remotely interested would have been if Heineken rang and offered to sponsor myself and 20 of my friends in an all day
Now, before you footy fanatics put a hit out on me, I do intend to learn.
See, today, our team, my team now, The Gold Coast Suns snagged the very talented Gary Ablett Junior to play for us. Again, from a total novices point of view, this means that we’ve just picked up one of the top 3 players in the country for a bucketload of cash and in the process, have probably taken the mantle of most hated AFL team from Collingwood before we’ve even started.
C’mon don’t be haters. Let me be the first one to say: Well done Gold Coast Suns. At least today's news has taken the heat off the bikini models who are racing around our horse track and local resident, Warwick Capper being a deadbeat dad.
So go Gold Coast, the nation is watching us. Sure they are probably waiting for us to fall flat on our face and more than likely plotting to key all of our cars while we sleep, but bugger the naysayers, what do we have to lose?
Oh, and if someone could explain to me the rules of AFL in a comment, I would be eternally grateful. Remember, I need you to dumb it down.