Thursday, January 13, 2011

WE ALL SMILE IN THE SAME LANGUAGE







So by now, it's pretty obvious that 75% of Queensland is basically screwed.  Well at least for the time being.  The flood affected areas are many.   Too many.  My heart breaks daily as I watch the constant streaming flood coverage.    Not the ones about people losing their houses so much, which, don't get me wrong, is awful, but more so, the loss of human life.  Particularly those of children.  This I can’t bring myself to fathom.  A four year old boy being ripped from his mothers arms?  Nope.  Can’t bear it.  I have one of those and I know I joke that he is a veritable hurricane on legs, but bugger me if I could EVER  live without him.


 

So, so. There is rolling coverage on most channels.  For mine, I have barely looked away.  Be it on TV or the internet, I have gasped, cried and generally watched in awe as our Premier, our Emergency Services and Rescue teams, have rescued and looked after Queensland.  You are all bloody amazing.  We on the sidelines have nothing but love and respect for you all.

I figured there has been enough sadness, so I have a little bit of a "What the Fuck?" for you all.  Hopefully it will give you a giggle.


 

When Mum was alive, we would always rock up to her house and there would be some random gadget she had bought from some equally random mail order brochure.  One that you and I do not seem to receive in our mailbox.    The one that stands out was the plug in bug repeller that was anything the fuck but.  Hello mozzie bite central.

 



So when the other day, whilst housesitting our friends  house, the brochure from HERE got delivered, it stirred up fond memories. Ones of Mum.  And ones of, well, simply WTF?

Exhibit A
 
 

Personal Massager, soothes aches and pains.  Yah Right.


Are you going to tell Grandma or am I?  Deep Satisfying Massage?  Soothes aching muscles?  Yeah, in your vagina maybe. Are they seriously trying to convince poor, unsuspecting old ladies that this isn't a dildo?  Perhaps the oldies convince themselves it's a claytons dildo.  The dildo you have when you don't actually have a dildo.
 

There was much talk on the Mamamia website about a paisley Poo Catcher. Go here to read about it.  Well, we can’t all go to holiday destinations and lose our minds, but we can go to Brightlife and get ourselves one of these babies!

 



Brand new (awesome, pesky second hand paisley Kaftans are not my bag) fashionable (Hmmmm) paisley print.   Figure flattering.  Really?  Two words - Demis Roussos.

 
The Bug Cap


 

This is something I can totally see my mother LOVING!! It’s a hat, but in a situation say, where she gets attacked by a 1000 angry bees,  she can just whip down the clipped backed net and voila, protection.  Oh Yes.

  

 

I'll let you take in the above. Then I'll ask you, who does not want this sitting at their workstation?  It’s a toilet.  It’s a clock.  It can hold your business cards. If only you could actually shit in it, life would be complete.

 

I hope you’ve had a laugh.  I hope you’ve smiled. Because the last couple of weeks have been complete shit for a hell of a lot of people.  It will pass.  Things will get better, but until then, just keep swimming. x

25 comments:

Alyssa said...

hahaha oh i love those magazines with the crazy stuff. my nana goes through them like a mad woman and i have to tell her not to dare waste my inheritance on crap like that hahaha though if she bought a toilet clock i think i would applaud her :)

misssy m said...

Haha! i thought my mother in law was the only person who had bought a dildo by mistake for her shoulder pain. I must tell the family it's a common occurence- we've been laughing about it for years!

She swore it was a back massager and we all fell about laughing thinking someone somewhere had played a trick on her.

Glowless @ Where's My Glow said...

I love those catalogues that come to the front door! I pour through them and wonder who the hell invents all that shit.

Wombat Central said...

I'm so sorry to hear about the flooding and loss of life and homes. I can only imagine what everyone there is going through.

It's good you're spreading a little cheer when it's so needed. Can you imagine going to grandma's house and seeing the "personal massager" sitting on the coffee table?!

I hope you don't mind my doing this, but I wanted to share a similar post I recently did to continue the foray into the world of bizarre catalog items. Hope it gives you a few more smiles.

http://postcardsfromoblivion.net/2011/01/catalog-crap/

Denyse Whelan said...

Thanks for putting the smile back on my dial Bern ...
My Dad's neighbors (sadly one has been, ummm, put away ..as you do.. But in a nice place) ALWAYS bought stuff from these cattle dogs & it amazed my dad about the need for a RECORD player that, looks like a record player but probably won't play them... I can't go on..

In perusing these endless cattle dogs ( sorry but I do like saying that instead of catalogue) when I can .. I find it amazing that I have managed to get to 61 without some of these amazing items..

And, on the other part of your post, I can Imagine that there were quite a few extra hugs and kisses for your trio!!
Love D xx

Glen said...

The situation in Queensland is shocking. I'm the same as you when you hear stories of people torn apart - only having time to save one of their babies etc. bad.

why does that "massager" have to be so big and intimidating? I feel all inadequate now!

Langdowns said...

LOL!!! Thanks for making me smile in your language. That was fantastic!! LOL.

Geek Cupcake said...

I remember those ads for the 'personal massager'. They came in 7 inch and 10 inch versions... haha.

Smudgeblurr said...

Hey Bern,
Yes it is pretty dire around our beautiful Sunshine State right now and you did provide a laugh - just what we needed!
Great job!
Wx

Kate Hunter said...

My father has the bug hat. Wears it.

Maxabella said...

A sex catalogue for grannies, clearly. They even cater for the scatophilia amongst the group... x

Suz said...

cracker of a post Bern. Thanks for brightening up the morning. Now if you could just do something about all this fecking rain, that would be great xx

Ms Styling You said...

I suggest teaming the kaftan with the bees hat as the ultimate summer fashion statement. Thanks for a laugh. Just what we needed.

Cate Bolt said...

Imagine being the model for that massager. Showing up for the gig and being handed it and hearing "this is what you're demonstrating" I bet her life flashed before her eyes.

littlemissairgap said...

Imagine the fright someone is going to get in tge future when opening Nanna's drawer, clearing her things out!

Faybian said...

I think I saw a dolma that turned into a dressing gown with the strategic placement of buttons/snaps. Of course the model in the ad looked somewhat like the Michelin man, but who cares! At least you'd be warm. This was before the smithies craze, which is sure to get wheeled out again in winter

Faybian said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Faybian said...

That was doona, not dolma and snuggies not smithies (damn auto correction).....

Phil & Bern said...

Thanks for clearing that up Faybian. Doona makes a lot more sense. :)

Oh yes, cleaning out Nannas stuff and coming across that. Jokes aplenty. x

anjwritesabout.com said...

I heart you sooooo much right now! EXACTLY the kind of crap I needed to see to make me feel better. Of course, being a Yank by birth it also makes me want to find some "special" products myself to share...will see what I come up with. ;)

Tai Tai said...

A well needed laugh - thanks! Very funny stuff x

Lucy said...

Love a dodgy catalogue.

And how is this for icksville - my cousin found one of those "personal massagers" in her parents room not so long ago....

Linda T said...

Thanks for the smiles xx

MultipleMum said...

Too funny! Love the bug catcher hat - could totally use one of those whilst camping (might be good for my diet too!).

As for the Mr Buzzy... whoops... I mean massager (totally lol at Glen's comment above BTW)... I am sure they are popular with the blue-rinse set!

foxinflats said...

Oh Bern, that Kaftan reminds me of one I bought on Ebay about 6 years ago while heavily pregnant with my first child. Only it was in animal print. I was aiming for some sort of Talitha Getty vibe http://www.anothermag.com/current/view/748/Talitha_Getty but I just looked like a walking creature about to burst. Fashion low..