Monday, February 14, 2011


Depending on your situation, Valentines Day can either be the loveliest of loneliest day of the year. 

If you are newly in love, you can pretty much count on the 12 red roses being delivered to your workplace, obligatory cute teddy bear and giant card.  And, unlike someone who has been married for say, over 10 years, this card will NOT have fireworks on the front and words that not so sublety hint at some firework action later that night.  Oh yeah, stay Classy Phil.

I digress.

If you are single however, Valentines is just one giant Fuck you.  Oh you’re single?  Really?  No one loves you on this day that is February the 14th? Well why  don't we just dedicate an entire day to rubbing that in your face?  Shall I get the razorblades or will you?

And it shouldn’t be this way.   No.  I propose a day we can all relate to.  Warnie Day.

Love him or loathe him, you’ve got to admit, if there is one guy who can turn a completely shit situation into a great one, it’s Shane Warne, top cricket player, even better, player of the people.  

He’s been caught and banned from cricket for taking banned substances.  His excuse?  "My Mum was keen for me to look skinny on TV and slipped me a couple of diuretics."  Plausible?  Sure. In fantasyland.

Then there’s the hair. And the teeth.  And whatever he’s packing in his shorts.  Because clearly he must be.  I mean, that’s the thing about Shane Warne, all men want to be him and all women just want to know what the hell the attraction is.  Does he ooze some kind of special scent?  

I saw him once at the Brisbane Entertainment Centre.  He was at the bar, texting on his phone (given) and looked up when I walked past.  My loins did not stir and equally, he did not approach me for a possible lurid text messaging relationship.  I feel like I have let the people of Australia down with this admission

Perhaps it’s his way with words?  I’ll let you judge from the following tweet:

@warne888  to @ElizabethHurley have a suggestion for your new bed linen. Wake up - shower, look at bed linen and its made itself - wow. Best seller!!

See! Don’t tell me ladies, you would not be on the first plane out to Australia if you received that on twitter?  This is why this guy needs to be celebrated.  Forget your Keats and your Wordsworths, Warnie is the poet of our new generation.

Then, once he had Liz safely cocooned in Melbourne, he put the call out on twitter to his followers:

@warne888 Where is the sexiest place to take Elizabeth for lunch ? Suggestions please ? Chapel St ? Crown ? And no - not for spaghetti on toast !!

A sexy place to eat?  Now sure, most people you and I know who are courting,  would perhaps request the most “romantic” place to take their new lady, but not Warnie, no he wants somewhere that incites a frenzied hot and heavy session.  If only the Rooty Hill RSL had been closer....

And then this. Late tonight, on Valentine’s Day, from Elizabeth:

@ElizabethHurley Happy Valentine's Day! Remember, love is like a rollercoaster ride-sometimes it's exhilarating but sometimes u feel sick and want to get off.

I wonder if that is reference to the fact that Warnie was allegedly texting a Gold Coast porn star on the same night he was out to dinner with her?  Either way, the jury is out on whether Warnie is punching above his weight with Liz.  One thing we know for sure, he's not short on willing candidates. 

So have I sold you?  Let’s face it, presents on Warnie day would be a no brainer.  Simply pick up a hair tip frosting kit for your man and fire him off a lurid text message. Equally, guys, just send out a tweet to your gal, complete with euphemisms about stroking parrots called Ping Pong and dance with a wicket over your head and voila,  Happy Warnie Day.

As for me, this post would have been up in time for Valentine’s Day but I spent the entire day in bed with my husband instead.  Woah, backup, get your mind out of gutter.  We decided the best way to say I love you was to contract a vomiting virus and be totally incapacitated for over 15 hours.  Nothing says romance like cleaning vomit off the sheets.

I’ll leave you with something I came across yesterday.  I don’t necessarily agree, but I can see the appeal...

"No woman will ever truly be satisfied on Valentine’s Day because no man has a chocolate dick wrapped in money that ejaculates diamonds!!!"


Littlemissairgap said...

That last quote ... Priceless! Oh Warnie. Where do I start? Guys adore him I think foremost because he's an amazing cricketer. Then they love him because he can pull the chicks ... god knows how? I have heard guys say they'd like to be Warnie 4 A Day, but that's it, because they know, deep down, us "keeper" ladies think he's a right royal twat!!! And no reasonable, you want to have around forever lady, wants to be married to a twat. For the record, Warnie does NOTHING for me ... except make me want to laugh. p.s. Loved the headline in the Courier Mail today ... "Hurley Burley"

Jodie said...

i would also suggest 'Hawnie Day' but i think we all know that its not going to last.
as always, its a very funny post :)

Twitchy said...

Bleeeuch. That guy is an anti-disiac. I can plainly see why after a day of spewing, he would spring to mind Bern.

As for Hurley- oh boy does she love a good dose of public humiliation- the more international, the better. And while I truly fail to see the attraction, remember Hurley's words: "sometimes u feel sick and want to get off". The woman can get both from Warnie.

A Daft Scots Lass said...

Let me know if you find a dick like that.

Lucy said...

Oh Bern. You poor love.

Hilarious post (as always.)


MsKymOG said...

Love it, Bern! I also don't see the attraction, and the self-righteous part of me wonders why Warne/Hurley is getting so much attention - but of course, the trash addict can't help but check out links/tweets. It's like a train crash - I really don't want to look, but I can't help myself.

Hope you're feeling better!

Kylie L said...

Hey! That's my idol you're talking about!

Well, not idol... but I do harbour a lingering fascination and affection for him, mainly based on, I think, and as you identify, the "How DOES he do it factor?" I also blame the fact that we went to neighbouring schools in the 80s, but I can't believe he never tried to crack onto me. I was Head Girl. Surely that title alone should've made him try??

Green Mama said...

That stupid, stupid f#ck- he must be forever kicking himself for not chasing you through that bar that night. THAT explains his behaviour all these years.

Alison Triffett - Style Counsel said...

"Bern Baby Bern...dicksco inferno".
Brilliant post! I do really hope you are feeling better soon?

And I thought I'd won the prize for the least romantic way to end Valentine's Day?... My dog, Boof, appeared in my bedroom while I was trying to get my weekly Brothers and Sisters fix. He poceeded to scoot around on his bum, wiping very pale, creamy poo all over the floor - his feeble attempt to "wipe his arse". Hubby, the big, tough, blokey-bloke that he is (not) helped me as I wiped his arse (the dog's that is) by dry retching, spraying air freshener till I nearly choked, holding his nose and flushing each and every piece of paper towel I threw in the loo.

Such a help. I bet Warnie would've stepped in. I bet Warnie would've known how to help. I bet Warnie (king of class & romance) would've known how to resurrect the evening. I'm sure he'd at least have sent me a sexy text from the spare room to check when the coast was clear!?
If I'd known you'd been puking all day, I'd have felt quite lucky instead!?

Madmother said...

I just want to know how you stumbled upon Rooty Hill RSL?
Not that I've been there. Really. Okay once. Well, maybe twice? Alright - a few times. It was what band chicks did in the 80's.

And I did not see Shane Warne there. Or anywhere else. But did I tell you the story of me and Dirk Welham? No? Well...

4 kids, 20 suitcases and a beagle said...

Roll on Warnie day. Anything to get rid of the joy of having children at an American School, where the children celebrate Valentines Day???

20 kids in a class, each one gets a "you are a special person in 1F because *insert tragic fake compliment here*

With 4 children and 4 decorated shoe boxes our house looked like a paper manufacturing plant with very expensive child labour.

Madness. If all I have to do is frost their hair and dress them in white, I'm in!


Maxabella said...

I just want to know why Warnie never removes his cricket box... x

Being Me said...

Personally, I think the entire Valentine's Day thing is about as farcical as that 'relationship'. Call me cynical.

Linda T said...

Once again you come up with a post that makes me laugh. I love the last quote!

I hope you're feeling better x

Ms Styling You said...

Bern, I'm so with you. Seriously what is it with women and Warnie? I DON'T GET IT. Hilarious post and one that will leave me wondering about sex, diamonds and chocolate for many Valentine's Days to come.

Life In A Pink Fibro said...

This post is as Klarsey as Warnie himself. :-)

Trish@Show and Tell said...

I'm glad Liz thinks that Warnie is the rollercoaster ride. I'm pretty sure he thinks he's the log ride. Either way, he'll make you puke in the end if you ride him enough times (or, as in my case, if you even think about riding him).


Nat Peck said...

At least Warnie Day will be inexpensive. No $100 roses, bottles of Moet or gourmet choccies here.
at most about $1 in lurid text messages and a tin of baked beans (remember all that commotion years ago when he had to get tins flown into India whilst on tour???).
Who said Romance is dead?
Great post Bern, i can sympathise re your Valentines Day. Mine was spent knee deep intoddler spew. Still cleaning the lounge, bed linen, pillows, towels. nice.

Mrs BC said...

The only time I went to Rooty Hill RSL someone was taking a piss in a balcony pot plant. When I pointed out that there were actually toilets, I was told (mid stream) 'that's what they put plants here for'. I don't think that classy guy was Warnie, but it was pretty dark..
You lucked out all those years ago. I would rather vomit for 15 hours than have a 'relationship' with that twat.
Mrs BC

Geek Cupcake said...

Hold on.. let me go get a drink (preferably hot coffee) so I can sip it and spit it out when I laugh at that last quote haha

Taryn said...

Too funny Bern! Love it as always. xx

Jodie at Mummy Mayhem said...

As always, hon - smilin'. :) xxx

Sarah said...

Ha! In my wildest dreams I can't imagine ever being horny for Warnie. Hope you're feeling rights as rain again.

MaidInAustralia said...

If anyone belonged at Rooty Hill it would be Warnie.
Those Tweets are just embarrassing. Cringe-worthy.
I cannot think of two more unattractive people ... it's almost like thinking of your parents doing it! Shudder...

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