Tuesday, February 1, 2011


Admission: Today I wore high heeled clogs to work. And no, I do not seductively yodel for a living.

I didn’t even realise the error of my ways until I stopped in to the local 4square to get some milk and caught sight of them in the reflective mirror. What the hell Bern? At what point did you think that this was OK? What kind of drugs did you ingest before you purchased them not more than 2 months ago? Bloody good ones, that’s what kind.

And hey, it’s not like it’s my first fashion faux pas. I’m one of those people who never gets it quite right. One step behind or one step too far in front. Like the time I wanted a Choose Life T-Shirt but Mum thought one that said YES in fluorescent yellow would be far more pimping.   Or my cheesecloth era. I was heavily into the cheesecloth skirt and matching bralette. That I wore out. Into Surfers Paradise. Not only did Mum condone this, she freaking well whipped it up on the sewing machine for me!

Nikki here at Styling You awarded me a Stylish Blogger award.  I figured I must have led her in the wrong direction at some point and,  clearly never having met me in real life, I thought I best give her the heads up about my fashion history.

I think I can pin point when it started.  Pre-school

The Year is 1980.  I'm the one in the blue dress in the back row with the punctured eyeball.

So you can see, I clearly had a few issues.  Not only did I black out the eyes of the kids I wanted to take down, I stabbed out my own eye.  See the boy on the right with the boots?  Yeah, I dug him.

Then came school.  I was just never going to be popular when I looked like this:

Grade 1. Complete with Cowlick

Could my pants be any higher??  Could I look anymore like a guy?  Could my shoes be any more colour co-ordinated?  The answer to all three is no.

My brother and his camelscroe.  Greg Chappell was worth it.

So this probably highlights our dual pain.  My brother was a massive cricket fan, hence the Greg Chappell shirt tucked into the highest stubbies on earth resulting in the indecent camelscroe (camel toe x scrotum).  I was just his prop in this photo.  Why do parents make siblings stand in creepy poses such as this?

Yeah. I actually do know these people.  Very well in fact.  Clearly I just wanted to get in on the action and thought I might just photobomb from on high. The lunatic with the daggy hair and pink tartan jumper was a fabulous guest.

But up until here, I could at least blame my mother.  I didn't buy my clothes.  From here on in though, there is no one to blame but myself.

I was going to a Melbourne Cup Function.  Let's just say I failed to win Fashions on the Field.  What the fuck Bern.

I'm the hawt one blocking the poor girl out in the background with my gigantic hair.

This was my year 12 formal. My dress was purple velvet.  It was short.  It had silver piping and it had velvet gloves. And a silver choker.  I do believe this photo was taken in the toilet cubicles and that is the dance teacher in the middle who didn't particularly like me because I wouldn't wear a unitard for her.  

And this was our last public Work Christmas Party.  The Crap decisions just keep on coming.

Today though, when I arrived home, I found this waiting for me on the kitchen table:

No, not a hot chick with massive boobs, the bra!  It's called the miracle bra and apparently it's going to save me $10,000 and painful surgery.  Perhaps this is my new era, a stylish one.

Thanks Nikki,  I've had fun reminiscing about my truly daggy childhood.

Now is when I am supposed to pass on the award, but I am really crap at doing this.  Instead, feel free to take the idea over to your own blog. 


4 kids, 20 suitcases and a beagle said...

Okay, I'm willing to put it out there, I LOVE THOSE CLOGS!


Simony said...

You are a beautiful girl! Funny and adorable,too!
Enjoy what you have.
For those clogs, they are pretty cool but I think I would collapse if I tried to walk with them.
How did they feel?

Anonymous said...

Wake up Australia, YOU LIVE ON THE GOLD COAST! What do you expect!

Glen said...

now I could handle coming home and finding THAT on my kitchen table

Kylie L said...

You went to a Christmas party as a.... ferret?? Very festive season. Especially, I imagine, when you tried to climb up someone's trouser leg.

Great blog!

Lucy said...

So gorgeous: both you and your 1980's fashion album, and the fact that you make me giggle so much over my morning coffee.


Ms Styling You said...

I'm so glad I nominated you ... those photos sure give my fashion disaster photos a run for their money. Loving your Grade 1 photo - at least you had shoes on. Apparently they were an optional etc at my QLD school till about Year 5!

Megan Blandford said...

Hilarious - love it!

bigwords is... said...

Those yellow/teal matching shoes cracked me up, but what I found most disturbing and hilarious was the blacking out of the eyes of the people you didn't like. PMSL!! I used to do that that too, with my compass. I mean what were they for anyway, but to scratch out the eyes of people you hated in your school photo!!

I'm with Kirsty, I like the clogs xx

Green Mama said...

You're a brave woman... Wish I could find my grade 6 madonna look with lace tights, fingerless gloves and a tshirt...

Smudgeblurr said...

Hey Bern,
Hey i also like the clogs - anything to give me height!!
Thanks for the giggle!

The Shrinking Vegetarian said...

Those clothes from the 70's and 80's bring back so many memories... LOL
Thanks for sharing - this was great.

Jodie at Mummy Mayhem said...

Hon, you are *almost* as big a fashion victim is I am. Almost. ;) xxx

Rick M said...

Rah ha ha, what the fuck Bern indeed. It's like you were dressed by a blind lesbian. (Disclaimer: I am gay and can totally get away with saying that). Don't worry, for a gay man, I am somehow supposed to have this innate fashion sense but it blows. It blows hard.

And you were dressed pretty damn well that one time I saw you!

Thea said...

Seriously funny stuff! I only laugh so loud because my fashion faux pas are equally as good, or bad, depending on how you look at it.

Fiona said...

Hilarious :) All I can say is, lucky we lot did not grow up in the Facebook era...

The Cup Day outfit was at least functional (although, is that a bad thing to say about clothes??) We once went to the Cup, as a group, dressed as Watermelons :D

Anonymous said...

Your not the only one - as a product of the ugly 80's i too had my fair share of terrytowelling shorts, bad taffeta formal dresses and much more !
thanks for sharing yours x

Taryn said...

OMG funny as always Bern! I reckon if you were feeling shit hot in all those outfits at the time then that is all that matters. Who gives a fuck about what's in fashion!? The people who follow fashion and buy everything that's the go at the mo are stupid people because most of it is shit. xx

Trish@Show and Tell said...

Now what's a nice straight girl like you doing in a toilet cubicle with so many women, Bern? (not that there's anything wrong with that). I'm just saying....


Anonymous said...

I love them!! Do they come in black? Where did you get them??

Anonymous said...

What's the deal with the bra? Is it to make you bigger or smaller? (if it's smaller, i need more info! :o) )

ruddygood said...

Oh, girl! You are such a style maven... *sighs enviously*

Must say, I was disappointed that we got the stock catalogue image of the Dream Bra, and weren't treated to the new improved Bern Morley boobage... :P

samanthacurrie.com said...

Sorry Bern, the clogs are FTW! I couldn't rock them with my cankels but have total shoe envy! wear them with pride :)

x0xJ said...

Well...i'm totally digging the matching shoes, afro perm complete with velvet and the blacking out the eyes of the kids you tended to murder at some point.
Seriously riot of a post, i loved it! And keep on rocking your own style, because it's part of what makes you YOU.

LIfe In A Pink Fibro said...

That's what I love about you Bern -always ready to yodel your fashion shortcomings to the world. But you won't get me this time. I'm still copping flak over the golf photos. With good reason, but still...

Kerri Sackville said...

Your brother has an impressive package.

Faybian said...

I've done a general fashion faux pas post on my blog faybian-lifeothercatastrophes.blogspot.com .
Unfortunately (or fortunately) I haven't been brave enough (or, let's face it, tech savy enough) to include photos of my own fashion faux pas (or as my dad says "fox's pass). Just to be brief they include many from "the decade that fashion forgot", the 70s.
* Skivvies (the woollen ones were sooo itchy)
*Helmet/bowl haircuts (sure to attracct the boys)
*Huge flares (swore I wouldn't wear them again)
I could go on, but then there's the 80's, for which I was responsible for many of my faux pas.
*Sparkly, beaded headbands (mmmm)
*Legwarmers (over jeans??? wtf?)
* Lady Di hairstyles (ok, ok I had one)
*New romantic hairstyles (mine had a massive fringe, stylishly tapering off to a number 3 at the bottom of my head, complete with a single, pink tipped tail....yummy!)
I've never been so glad in my life that no one else can see (and laugh as my children have done) over these photos.

Fourth Daughter said...

Just found you via crepe expectations... obviously we are children of the 70s so a lot of what we wore really is not our fault! Love the term camelscroe, did you make that up or have I just had my head buried in the sand and not heard it!? And what is it with the over-abundance of long, curly, BIG blonde locks in all the pics?? I bet the hair extension companies are just lined up outside your door waiting for the minute you decide to part with your crowning glory...

muhammadrazzaq said...

I was going to a Melbourne Cup Function. Let's just say I failed to win Fashions on the Field. What the fuck Bern.

Romina Garcia said...

Haha What the fuck Bern? Gold.

Littlemissairgap said...

I've said it once & I'll say it again, "The 80's ... the decade of shame!"

MaidInAustralia said...

80s fashions were a sick joke someone foisted on vulnerable young women ...loving the clogs, once lusted over a pair of those myself.

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