Wednesday, March 30, 2011

BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE






We’ve all been there.  For some godforsaken reason we’ve been awake at 2am and gotten sucked into an Infomercial.    You might have been up feeding a baby, which was my personal introduction to late night television shopping, or perhaps you’ve just come home from a massive night out on the booze and thought, oh fuck yeah, I needs me one of those ladders that bends 357 different ways.   Maybe, just maybe, you don’t even have the late night lobotomy excuse.  Perhaps, like my husband, you only needed to walk past the television once during Kerri-Anne on a rained out Wednesday and BAM, your household suddenly has a Tower 200 in its possession.

 

Have you heard of the Tower 200?   Body by Jake?  Got a door, then you’ve got a Gym? Is this ringing any bells at all?  No?  Well, let me explain.  I’ve been on a little bit of a fitness kick.  I’ve lost maybe 10kgs in the last 3 months.  I’ve done this through a combination of three things. Firstly, I got a spectacular kindy induced virus from the four year old.    Being literally knocked out for 24 hours, not being able to keep anything down and then not being able to eat for a week, left me a dress size down.  Bingo.   Secondly, I stopped eating anything that was fried. That was my rule.  Because, prior to that, I would eat junk for breakfast, lunch and dinner and then proceed to sit on my ever expanding arse for about 8 hours straight. Thirdly, I’ve started running.  Nearly every day.  And this, really, was more so I could escape the mayhem for 30 solid minutes listening to some quality music, but now I actually can say I enjoy it.  I’m guessing it will work even better when I stop having a beer before I set out.

 

So, Phil, although appreciative that we can now share the same two seater couch, is starting to feel like he needs to get moving also.  Hence, the Tower 200.  Basically this thing is just a pulley resistance system, with some hyperactive dude showing you how to use it on a DVD.  Please note, this just arrived on our door one day. Seems Phil struggles to find the toilet paper in Coles, but has no problem finding his way around the Danoz Direct store.

 

This is Phil.  Or it might not be.  Yet.
 


I give it three weeks. Tops.  Then, like all of our brilliant purchases that have come before the Tower 200, it will get shoved, firstly, under the study bench. Then under our bed. After that, into the shed. And then, one day, I imagine like he has in the past, David Copperfield will magically swoop in and it will disappear forever. That or we’ll just turf it at the tip.

 

I have precedents to base this on.  The magic bullet.  Jesus this seemed like a good idea at the time.  I had a child who would eat nothing. Suddenly there was this dead easy machine that would only take up the space of a coffee cup on my kitchen bench top and then magically whisk concoctions into fool proof vegetable purees.  Bullshit.  It came with a about a thousand pieces, none of which made any sense.  It lived happily and basically virginal, under the sink until early this year when I needed some cupboard space.  Some poor sucker at Lifeline just had their day made.

 

Apparently there was some confusion. This is NOT the Magic Bullet I had. Ahem



Oh and of course, there was the Snuggie.  Yep.  I was one of those who ended up wearing one of these blankets with sleeves.  Admittedly I wasn’t the one who purchased them, they were gifts, but they clearly had Bernadette Morley all over them, hence me being the recipient of such classy gifts. And hey, here on the Gold Coast, it really doesn’t get all that cold so as tempting as it was to move around the house in my leopard print slanket, it never really got a good go.

 

What's not the love?  It's a blanket with sleeves. 


There have been vacuum bags.  There’s been the Ab Roller and my favourite that was purchased by my mother, the electronic bug repellent.  Plug it in and “apparently” it emits a noise that only bugs can hear.  Or suckers.  Granted, rarely did I see a Rhinoceros beetle at mums, but there was never any shortage of mosquitoes.  I call bullshit on the Bug Repeller.

 

Through their almost Chinese Water Torture style of advertising, Proactive nearly had me convinced I needed some although I’d barely had a zit in 20 years.  Thin Lizzy, or Thun Luzzy also had me grabbing the phone.  But then, luckily I got a grip.


So what about you?  Have you succumbed to a product you just never knew you needed until they threw in a free set of steak knives?  Has it been a success of ultimate fail?

23 comments:

Glowless @ Where's My Glow said...

I went through years of insomnia so I used to know the ads off by heart (these were pre-Twitter days, obviously). To this day when food comes out of the microwave I say it's "piping hot" - no one I know understands the reference but it has been burned in to my soul so I must say it or the world will explode.

Parental Parody said...

See when you said "Magic Bullet" on Twitter earlier today, I was totally in the wrong place. Then someone said they'd used theirs to make a smoothie...and I was still in the wrong place - although I thought was a good and legitimate secondary use for that 'other' magic bullet, should the kids find it. But - having read this hilarious post - I am 200% with you (plus a set of free steak knives). I'm the queen of kitchen appliances. If it's cheap, plastic, compact and available for 3 easy payments - I'm all over it. Even though I know it's crap. Even though I know I may possibly use it once, if it's lucky. Even though I know it shall live in the garage, being passed over during at least 3 garage sales before it is covertly (and apologetically) shoved in a Good Sammy donation bin.

Glen said...

I insisted on buying an oven when we fitted our kitchen out - I haven't used it once.

Mind you I think my wife sometimes uses it...

no-one said...

I have a ShamWow! I bought it one day at two in the morning, and I actually don't regret it. I cut one of the larger ones into quarters and I use them to wash my dishes. At the end of the week the one I was using goes in the wash to be replaced by a clean one. I haven't had to buy chux in ages.

Sass said...

now now, the magic bullet had one good thing going for it...

I made a mean strawberry daiquiri with mine...granted it was only once though...It was after "the night of the daiquiri" that I pushed it to the back of our cupboard never to see the light of day again.
I could never look at it the same again.
rum + magic bullet + fruit = evil

Penbleth said...

I feel almost disappointed in myself now that I haven't given in to infomercial buying. Perhaps I'll get something crap, I mean indispensable, and when Hub asks why I'll say an infomercial told me to.

4 kids, 20 suitcases and a beagle said...

I'm sorry, I'm still stuck on the 10kg in 3 months?! Bern you need to get yourself on late night TV and start marketing your 'journey'. I think the infomercial requires a bullet a slanket and that bloody picture of Rob on Vanity Fair....sorry, your 10kgs and Rob Lowe are on high rotation in my brain at the moment. Kxx

Lucy said...

10kg is three months?! Bloody hell Bern, you kept that quiet! Well done!

I am proud owner of not one, but two Bullets. The food puree one, not the silver buzz. Purchased whilst middle of the night breastfeeding. Lame as. Couldn't GIVE the second one away....

Green Mama said...

I did proactive, and lost a layer of my skin... I blame Bert.

Naomi said...

Never bought anything. Not a thing. Mind you, I must admit to sometimes thinking a snuggie would be a good idea...

kymog said...

The makers of infomercials are brilliant in their strategy. They place the ads at the perfect times when breastfeeding mothers are at their most vulnerable, hormonal and, let's face it, suggestible. In the last 9 months I've nearly bought a steam mop, Swivel Sweeper, free trial of seven gazillion Nude by Nature products, an Abcircle Pro (Take the ride of your life and get the body of your dreams), the Aaah Bra (WTF?) and of course, pillows. Have resisted so far....but still thinking about those pillows.

Belle said...

Great post Berna!!

And yes fans of Berna, she looks even more beautiful, fit and healthy after losing the 10kg.

Working with her and seeing her 3 days a week and how great she looks inspired me to do the same. It has been almost 3 months for me as well but I haven't lost anywhere near 10kg. Maybe I need the kindy virus for a week to speed up the process or 3 kids and a hubby to run around after.

Love ur work Berna.
x

Annieb25 said...

I think there is some subliminal message being planted into our brains when the ads are on. I did however buy one thing that was excellent and I still buy it. Sheer Cover mineral make up. It is the best. Many other things - the one or two stomach flattener devices, the containers and the "Thigh buster" to name a few - have found their place in the sun - at the local tip!

Helen said...

Well done on the running Bern, you have inspired me!! I went for a 'shuffle' about 3 weeks ago but have done nothing since. I'm going to become more committed and try to loose my extra 20+kg's that has crept on since bub #3.

Oh, and my hub's is the worst shopper! Insists on saving money but then comes home with so much Crap!

bigwords is... said...

I am also stuck on the 10 kilos in 3 months - that is my aim, but three months seems to be going on and on!! Well done you. You look amazing!

The only thing i've purchased at night was a collection of jazz love song cds. I kept getting them every month!! That's a lot of badly reproduced love songs!!

traceyb65 said...

recipes cards … have no idea why! want them? xt

Sue (JustLeithal) said...

Funny, I thought the Tower 200 was a CD rack..but maybe that was the Tower 2000..damn! I think I may have bought one of those..back in.. er.. 2000.

Anyway I have a brilliant idea! If the Tower 200 fails to turn Phil into an Adonis (or even after it does), find a door that you don't think you'll ever need to walk through again (like, say, the home gym) and stack your old CD's (c'mon everyone has at least 34,432 old CD's lying around gathering dust) IN the Tower 200.. voila! At Tower 2000 (for NO EXTRA COST!) <<<genius!!!

River said...

Have you seen the ad for "WOW" containers? It starts of with some idiot trying to put 2 litres of leftover spaghetti and meatballs into a 1 litre container then trying to cram on a lid and being annoyed when the stuff spills out everywhere. Then there's a shot of someone opening a cupboard and a few dozen badly stacked plastic containers fall all over her and her kitchen. The advertisers are trying to sell a set of containers that essentially have no lids as they all fit together, being all the same circumference. So you can put way too much leftover anything into one container and then cap it with another container. It's probably a good idea, but I always yell at the TV whenever it's on because of the overfill spill and the badly stacked cupboard.

Daniel said...

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Doodah said...

Thank God, I don't have Foxtel anymore, I was a bit of a TVSN addict, didn't use most of the stuff I bought!
I did buy 'Nude by Nature' mineral makeup though and love it - won't use anything else now.

Great post, it sickens me that the producers of these infomercials think we're morons!

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