Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Win a New Ford Territory for a Year and $5,000

As part of the Kidspot Top 50 bloggers, I am required to write a blog post about driving.  Bianca from Big Words Blog thought it might be fun if we treated it like a road trip.  Road Triiiiipppp.  I however, jumped the gun and posted this too early, so here it is again, but with links to my compadres funny and wonderful blogs.  

Bianca from Big Words Blog will be telling us the Road Trip Rules

Nikki from Styling You will get you kitted out with the ultimate road trip accessories

Jodie from Mummy Mayhem vlogged about her virtual roadtrip in the way she does best.  And she manages to totally embarrass the shit out of me in the process.

And Carly from Tune In To Radio Carly has our song playlist all lined up.  Good news, no Nickelback, it's safe to come along.

Here is my entry...

It’s been just over 17 years since the Queensland Transport Department handed over my provisional licence and gave me the green light to take to the mean streets of the Gold Coast solo.   To be honest, they really had no business doing this as a) I will openly admit that even after 35 driving lessons (I shit you not) I still really didn't know how to drive and b) I mounted two gutters during the driving test after running a red light.  

I’m happy to tell you though, I have improved over time and have only had two at fault car crashes and been warned to stop the speed racer antics once.  I’ve been good now for over 10 years.  Hang in there Ford, I do have good news.

Often, we hear that Queenslanders, Gold Coasters in particular, are the worst drivers in Australia.

And, I guess if the people on our roads who don’t indicate,  cut people off and refuse to use a roundabout correctly are from Queensland then yes, this is quite true. But they aren’t. In fact the majority of the Gold Coasts' population wasn't actually born here. To be fair, they were probably conceived here though (being a great place to get loose and all) so I can see the connection.

That being said, driving to two schools, a kindy and a workplace each day I often encounter the following:

  • People who straddle two lanes going through a roundabout. Seriously, choose your lane and stick to it. I am in a little Honda Jazz with a family of 5. We are just one erratic move away from being crushed under a Landcruiser. Granted, to select a Honda Jazz with 5 people plus at the time, a Golden retriever was not my Mensa moment.  
  • The vague couple who go slow, then speed up, then look around, then have a chat, all whilst driving their Volvo in front of me on my way to school. a) you have no business being out at 8am and b) pay attention! Because when you do 40 km’s an hour up to traffic lights and then gun it to leave me behind at the red light, it kind of gives me the instant shits.
  • People who don’t indicate. See, as I haven’t activated my crystal ball yet, I don’t know which way you intend to turn. Why do people not indicate? Are they too lazy? It doesn’t get much easier people. It’s a flick of the wrist. Really. Is it because they are above indicating? Do they not have the brain capacity? I simply do not understand this lack of courtesy and this in turn makes me want to ram people. Clearly in my Jazz I would come off second best, but it would almost be worth it.
  • It’s a Bus Lane. Not a Wanker Lane. Seriously, it says BL. It’s for Bus’s (and taxi’s) Not for tools who are in a hurry. Newsflash dickhead, we’re all in a hurry. We’ve all got to wait our turn. I make it my mission in life to straddle those bus lanes with my car when I see them coming in my rear-view mirror. Sure, it often leads to a douche in a 911’s giving me the finger, but it's so very worth it.
  • Cars so low they can’t get over a speed bump. We’ve all seen them. They lower the bejesus out of their shitty commodore Utes and then have to take those speed bumps at a massive angle. Well I’ll let you in on a secret. You look like a fuckstick. Did you ever think if you can’t hit a 20cm pothole at speed, it won't be long until QLD Police find you and defect your arse?
  • Last but not least, people who don’t thank you for letting them into traffic. I make a conscious effort to let people in.  Whether it is letting them in after coming out of the Servo or just generally merging. When people don’t acknowledge my courtesy, you don't have to be gifted in lipreading to see my response to their arrogance.

And in all honesty, I am generally a calm, easygoing person. Inside my car bubble though, on occasion, I turn into Judge Judy on heat.

This post is my entry into the Kidspot 2011 Top 50 bloggers.  The prize this year is $5,000 cash and the use of one of their new Ford Territory’s for a year.  A whole. Freaking. Year.  

After having re-read through my post above, I’d like to say to Ford and Kidspot, that the whole two car accidents; speeding, ramming stuff etc was a little exaggerated.  I’m really a great driver.  No really.  

How about you? Good driver?  Know where the worst reside?   Shameful driving history? Spill


Melody said...

Trust me, I am a brilliant driver. Compared to the drivers I see over here in Abu Dhabi, I am a fucking brilliant driver. With a clean record to prove it.

Diminishing Lucy said...

Bern, in this week of flogging & touting, babe, you just got my vote. I have written before about my utter distain of the fuckwittedness that drives around our schools - please tell me you are as good about school parking as you are about letting people in?


Kylie L said...

Voted :) And have to add we chose a school that wasn't even our religion (OK, we don't have a religion, but still) purely on the basis of the fact that we wouldn't have to drive to it. It's four houses away. When I see the other parents fighting for spots and revving until their tyres squeal in a 40 km/h zone out of sheer frustration and desire to get the heck out of there, I reckon that avoiding that daily madness has added five years to my life. Good luck!

Belle Samson said...

I thought you were going to write about your road trip to the Sunshine Coast the day after you got your licence????

This story is still funny as fuck though and not a truer word has been written about Qld drivers.

I was looking forward to the road trip story, maybe another time.

Terry said...

LOL too true Bern. I drive from Elanora to Yatala each day and have seen some truely horrendous stuff. I know where you are coming from.

There is a roundabout at Yatala that has 2 lanes going into it. The left lane is clearly signed and marked LEFT TURN ONLY. The right lane banks up a bit sometime and some cars/trucks take a bit of a liberty and scoot down there. A truck saw this happening the other day and vered over as he made his way on to teh round a bout and forced him on to the kerb. All the drivers behind gave him high fives i am sure.

As for me only 2 fines in 30 years. A parking fine (bus stop outside a police station in Manly) and a speed camera at Alstonville. That just means I am good at not getting caught. :)


no-one said...

I got my learners and never went any further when it turned out I get really bad headaches looking in the rearview mirror, and I find it impossible to stay in one lane. (Can't walk,sew or write in a straight line either.) I decided I was safer on the bus.

Alex said...

As a fellow Gold Coast mummy who now lives in the street at the school her kids attend I take great pleasure in watching mummies try to reverse park each and every morning.
I admit I suck at reverse parking. I never bothered learning. My driving test instructor felt sorry for me because I was pregnant.
I have a husband who works in a car dealership who constantly tries to impress me with his one handed reverse park.

I am far more impressed by the mums who attempt to reverse park their itty bitty cars 17 times into a 5 metre parking spot.

You ladies are GOLD!

Alex said...

Oh...and GUILTY...road testing the husbands work Porsches over speedbumps at 5am. Vroom...bump...crunch.

Anonymous said...

Uh-huh, uh-huh! Everything you just said that annoys you is everything that totally pisses me off! I do try to stay calm and sane when driving but impossible! My little get-back trick is if I see some P-plater dickhead hooning up behind me preparing to overtake I'll drive alongside the car in the next lane so the little pain in the a** can't get past either of us. That only works in two lane traffic or if outside lane has parked cars but it's worth it. I know, karma will get me.


Sandra said...

Voted. Actually, I tell a lie. I giggled, then voted. xx

Denyse Whelan said...

A Honda Jazz was not your Mensa Moment for a family of 5 and a dog THAT alone is Bern Gold...... You've got my vote just so there's a bit more room!

Romina Garcia said...

I have recently stopped short of chasing someone in my car until I catch up to them, rip them out of their vehicle and then sit on them until they apologise for cutting me off.
I may or may not need anger management counselling.
With that said, you totally have my vote.
Firstly because I admire you, and secondly because I totally have a crush on you and would let you drive me anywhere :-)

Jodie Ansted said...

The parents who drop their kids on the other side of the road at school and make them cross the road because they're too LAZY to do a trip around the block. Gah!!!

I could go on and on and on and on.....

Lynette Scott said...

Oh how I hear you on Fuckwits!
Selfish fuckwits are the worst (the non-thankers)
And FYI WA has the worst and most fuckwits behind the wheel. I have just got back from a weekend in Qld and found all your drivers to do an awsome job (apart from my friend Des, who seemed to be one of the drivers you describe) Bless her, I was constantly shitting myself when she was nearly side swiping everyone, but hey saved me on taxis!

PS if I can come on you roadtrip, will bring Dead or Alive Album, Maxi tampons and puffer jacket with sleeves!! roflmao xx

MaidInAustralia said...

Tailgaters and people who speed through school zones get my Fuckwit Awards. I USED to be an awesome driver, and can still reverse park with ease (my secret skill), but lately I've turned into Mrs McGoo. My poor little Mitsubishi Lancer is pock-marked with dents, scrapes, and mysterious looking skidmarks. (Real skidmarks not the other kind.) It's a bit embarrassing sometimes, especially when reverse parking because old men like to stop and stand and help.

Being Me said...

Bern, you need to win this. If only to get a little more leg room, woman! You had me already, but by the time I got to the Bus Lane bit (which I read out to the cheers of my husband, who does exactly the same as you), I'd decided I really need to click 'vote' :-) Good luck!

Phil & Bern said...

Thanks everyone!! And Kirrily, if your husband and I get rammed doing our community service, I feel comfortable that I didn't act alone. xx

bigwords is... said...

People who don't indicate shit me. Even my husband finds it tricky to indicate and I am constantly yelling indicate, indicate FFS just fucking indicate!! Yes, I am a pleasure to drive with!!

I bags we take a Ford Territory for our road trip NOT the Jazz! Hilarious Bern xx

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