Wednesday, July 6, 2011


It’s that time of year again.  The one you either love or loathe, TAX TIME!

And let’s face it the only reason you'd love it is because you are getting a big fat refund.

And see, for the last, oh ten or so years, this has been my day job.  Doing tax returns.  Riveting I know.  But the thing is, it is often not about the actual work you are doing, but the people you are working with. I’m sure even if you were doing the best job in the world, i.e. Bradley Cooper's Personal Assistant, you would still detest going into work each day if everyone around you acted like an arsehole. While granted, the lovely ladies I work with do not resemble Bradley Cooper (probably for the best), they are wonderful and funny and I love spending my day shooting the shit with them. 

So back to tax, here are a few pointers from someone who has probably seen it all.  A heads up as it were.

Do not try and pass off your new pec implants as a medical expense.    It wasn't a ripped muscle due to excessive exercise. I can read the terminology on an invoice.  

No, actually, I can't work out what you will be getting as a refund when you haven't given me all the information because I seem to have failed to activate my crystal ball.  Give me a sec. 

Do not give me all of your shit in manual and written form and then claim to use your computer 100% for work.    I am not mentally challenged.

No. Your alcohol is not deductible.  OK, once upon a time, I believe in the eighties, you could get away with a fair bit of stuff, boozy lunches being one of them.  Now, no.  OK. Just no.  And hey, I’m as disappointed with this as you are.

If you don’t actually own a vehicle, please don’t try and tell me you take your heavy tools to and from work each day.  I know you can’t and you don’t.  Again, I may not look like it, but I actually possess a functioning brain.

No. I do not need to see pictures of your colonoscopy. Not necessary.  A simple invoice will suffice.

Ditto love letters left inside your copious amounts of irrelevant paper work.  Especially the ones that delve a little deeper into your personal lives than I necessarily need to know about.

Yes, yes you do have to tell me about the income you received from Dazza when you were labouring for him for 6 months.  Especially when you tell me about it fuckstick.  You have no idea how many times people say to me “Oh I got cash for about six months, but no one needs to know about that do they?”  Well hey; no one would have until you opened your massive mouth.  I prepare your tax return, I am not a priest. 

It’s really nice talking to you but it is not necessary to hand me EVERY INDIVIDUAL PIECE OF INFORMATION.  Believe it or not, I know what I’m looking at and get this; I’m not going to steal it.  Hand it over.

OK.  So there are a few tips. Quite disturbing that I already have such passive aggressive thoughts and tax season is not even a week old.

Any questions?  I’ll do my best to answer them. Remember there are not stupid questions.  Just ones I’ll use in next year’s Tax Time Blog post.


Ms Styling You said...

Bern, it's about the bulging file of receipts ... can I send it down to you to sort?

offtoclimbamountain said...

Bern - five years - no return, two houses sold one block bought, one house with no rental receipt history. Just someone I know who doesn't sleep very well in case the Australian taxation department work out which country they may be currently living in-:) GO!

The Daze of Whine and Roses said...

Are you kidding? I don't get to show you my colonoscopy pics??? Because when my GI doc 'sold' me on having one done he said [and I quote] "Your tax accountant loves to see this shit"
God love ya for doing your job - I don't have the patience and don't have the bail money if it isn't done.

Smudgeblurr said...

Hey Bern, love your work! I bet you see some absolute crackpots! I am one of the anal ones that spreadsheets every receipt and then copies it in case it fades - i am sure you have a name for us as well! :)

So Now What? said...

We love you Wendy. We have no bad words for people who make our life easier!! Thanks for the comments guys. Love them.

Bert Maverick said...

Pec implants? Wtff?

4 kids, 20 suitcases and a beagle said...

How did you jus make tax funny? Only you Bern. Kx

bronnie said...

I got my colonoscopy sent home with me on DVD. Is that why they do that, for our accountants? Genius!
Is it possible to get my tax done this month ahead of mediation? Or am I dreaming?

Blocks and Knocks said...

No alcoholic lunches? Thats the LAST long lunch we treat our clients to!!

River said...

I do my own tax forms. Online. And always get a refund.

Denwise aka Denyse Whelan said...

Let me say thank god this year no tax to do!
Mind you I feel guilty!
Strange but true.
No taxable income - No interest - nothing.
But nothing wrong either ......... Still I should appreciate NOT having to gather this info & that.
Thanks for making a great list of laughs .. For us.
For you .. Not so much but at least you've got great mates at work! Xx

Anonymous said...

Working for Centrelink is just as fun!

Just sayin'!


Life In A Pink Fibro said...

I love this! Colonoscopy pics? My poor accountant gets nothing that interesting from me. I'm going to have to lift my game.

jennifersmart said...

I'm one of those very annoying people who walk in with loads of bits of paper, some possibly receipts, theatre tickets, fuel discounts vouchers & hope that someone, somewhere will make sense of it. Luckily for you, it's our long-suffering accountant.

Mrs M said...

My accountant asked me the other day if my 10 year old did any work for me. He hates computers, is a conspiracy theorist and says he has to put his space helmet on to go into cyberspace to get updates for his software.

He doesn't have an email address but has a fax; too bad no-one else has a fax. He also likes snail mail.

And then when he tried to print up my tax return, smoke was coming out of his printer.

I hate tax time, but my accountant with all his eccentricities makes me laugh so hard every single time.

Love & stuff
Mrs M

Alice said...

Bern, is it bad that my husband and his ATO auditor are on first-name terms?

Kelley @ magnetoboldtoo said...

you can claim a colonoscopy?


I have been putting that off for years and I totally need some more deductions now that the tax dept are no longer allowing me to deduct my heel addiction as a work related expense.

(and I took the entire month of June off work. They were not impressed as the lead up to tax time is our busiest time. One manager asked me to bring in a copy of my MRI. I should have given him a workplace colonoscopy so he could claim it on his tax)

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