Thursday, July 14, 2011

MINIMISE ME









I have finally found out what I was put on this earth to do. Chuck shit out. No, really, I am exceptionally good at it. Nearly as good as obtaining and hoarding copious amounts of shit in the first place.




See, more than 3 years after we intended, we are actually going to blow this pop stand. Well, that’s the plan. So, we have started to cull in anticipation of the big move. 




And minimalism is my new mantra.  I have been ruthless. What?  You want to take pots and pans? You know that can only lead to cooking right? Because that’s what starts to happen when you start on the chuckingoutpalooza, you lose your shit and reasoning. What's that? Kids summer clothes? No, it’s freaking freezing, ditch.  Doona covers? Nope, only need one at a time now don’t we? Oh and a dining table? Since when was that a necessity? Whatever wasn’t nailed down last weekend got turfed in the great cull of 2011.




But then I came across our kitchen drawers. The first two drawers were standard fare of course.  Cutlery top drawer, bigger stuff like melon ballers* and potato mashers in the second.  But what about the third drawer down of shit?  This is where everyone, regardless of nature, will keep some truly inexplicable stuff.




EXHIBIT A






Yeah, we haven’t owned this Printer for over 2 years.  Pretty good chance we won’t need to reinstall it anytime soon.




EXHIBIT B 






Both Phil and I seem to have access to both of our cars, workplaces and every lock in the house without ever touching any of one of these keys.  So what are they doing in the third drawer in my kitchen?  Do you see the one that looks like it belongs in Alice in Wonderland?  What kind of old timer door does that belong to?




EXHIBIT C






Heaven FORBID I just chuck out the last two remaining blank Christmas cards when it’s all over for another year.  I mean, it’s not like they cost about two bucks for an entire pack nowadays.  Plus, I’m pretty sure I haven’t sent Christmas Cards in over 2 years, so these has been wallowing in that drawer FOR. EVER.  




EXHIBIT D






Hey, clearly I never knew when we’d be called up to some kind of exercise situation that may require not only a sweatband, but one that also had a handy zipper to keep my Panadol in.




EXHIBIT E






What in the actual fuck is this?  I do not know.  It lives in my drawer, I did not buy it, yet it made it there somehow.  Explanations welcomed.




EXHIBIT F






I think I’ve only discovered the tip of the Iceberg in the Allen Key swag in this house.  I’m sure there are a bazillion in his trailer or shed or beside him when he sleeps at night. Seriously, you want a flat pack assembled, my husband is your man.




So without any consultation, I am going to go crazy on the third drawer down of shit on the weekend.  Batteries will be saved.  All the half melted candles, screws, balloons, wrapping paper and out of date Warranties are gone.  Gone I tells ya.




How do you keep the crap at bay? Mindset?  An obsession with order?  Please do tell.


*We've never owned a melon baller in our lives.  But I do like the thought of one.

25 comments:

Ms Styling You said...

I have a melon baller somewhere. Will send if I can find it. I go through phases. When I get that look in my eye, the kids know to run for cover (or stash their possessions!)

Twitchy said...

Bern, this is my Moby Dick of all subjects. The one I can't even bear to post about. All I can say is, I envy anyone who can do this. I want to so badly do this with gay abandon but I missed that gene when they were handed out.

A Daft Scots Lass said...

I have drawers full of useless shite. I just never find the right time to clear them out.

Lauren said...

This is hilarious!!!!!!

Alison said...

I'm so glad that other people have drawers full of shite. :)

Diminishing Lucy said...

You know I am ruthless bitch when it comes to chucking out shit. Give me a big bin bad and a licence to chuck, and I am happy.

Looking forward to hearing more on the big move...

xx

Phil Jeng Kane said...

The sweatband Panadol zipper is GENIUS! I hope you haven't chucked THAT!

Tina said...

LOVE a good chuck out! Look forward to hearing more about the move!

Amy said...

I hear you on the Christmas cards! I only recently came to the same conclusion- there is no point keeping the leftovers, I always buy new ones and they are just taking up space in my cupboard.

That sweatband though...that's precious.

Jorji said...

Haha this post made me giggle.
Oh and melon ballers are excellent if you ever want to add them to your drawer of 'handy stuff that you never use' like a zester.. ;)
J x

E said...

Exhibit E is a knife sharpener! Rather useful if your knives are as blunt as mine :-)... probably came with a knife :-)..

And good on you.. my hubby has finally won me over to the "we don't need that and if we do in some weird situation in the future we can bloody well buy a new one!" except ofcourse for treasured family things.. like hand painted plates from my grandma before her stroke.. they're sacred and I don't give a damn if we have a cupboard full of ones we don't use.. they stay!

Yvette Vignando said...

The third drawer is the perfect metaphor for a few other places in most houses I bet. Our third drawer has mainly cling wrap, foil etc but it has a third-drawer-equivalent somewhere else in the house. I recently discovered that my entire home office was a "third drawer" and I had to get professional help to get it cleared or I would have never done it - so I worship at your feet you self-minimiser. I can not, however, compete with you on the Great Allen Key Haul of 2011.

Sarah said...

This is why you need to move to Perth, preferably next door to me. I am a ruthless culler of crap. It drives my husband who is horderish in tendency berserk. I go through culling phases, usually about once a month and have 3 bags. one for "the bin," one for "the vinnies" and one for "ebay."
And your Allen key collection is priceless.

Claudia said...

You are the keeper of all Allen keys. Clearly you need to stand outside an Ikea and sell them to passers by! x

Melody said...

Lol. Here in my current kitchen, the 3rd draw is also the bottom drawer (it's big to look at but when you pull the draw out, the sides only extend up as much as they do in the 1st two. What's the fucking go with that?), and the bottom drawer is where I keep glad wrap, garbo bags and the like. My drawers of stuff reside in the wooden kitchen side board (IKEA) - heaps of shit. Lyndon only cleaned it out on the weekend - looking for somethingarather - we had lots of AA fresh batteries, spare keys, about a dozen packs of those purse tissues, pens that don't work...

I am pretty much ruthless everywhere else in the house but if in doubt, I chuck it in one of those drawers. *Love* the kept sweat band and the allen keys. Priceless.

CATE PEARCE said...

I have a melon-baller I can give you. Never used it. It's in the third drawer.
Oh wait, I may have thrown it out in the Great Southern Cull of 2003...

Donna said...

I'm just wondering when you broke into my house to photograph the contents of my too hard basket bottom kitchen drawer?? Scary how similarly the same we have been living... Now just need to find the time (and motivation!) for same minimisation process to begin here...

Nicole McLachlan said...

Did you know that there's a shop called "Third Drawer Down". They sell shit to people who don't have enough shit.

On another matter, I totally understand how chucking stuff out can get a wee bit out of control. I once went on an ebay binge, selliing everything I laid my glassy, maniacal eyes on. This included a beautiful, antique dressing table, which was the first piece of grown-up furniture (i.e. not from Ikea) that I'd ever bought. I don't know what I was thinking. I LOVED that dressing table. Got bugger-all for it, and miss it to this day.

xx

Naomi said...

I am just about free of all the shit that collects in the third drawer. Moving three times since 2007 will do that to you. Last move coincided with hard rubbish. Since we moved to the next street, I was in license to chuck heaven with not one but two roadsides to pile shit onto!

Jodi @ The Scribble Den said...

Gotta love a good cull.

kurrabikid said...

You just gave me the best giggle! Probably because I can TOTALLY identify...

Mewelljr said...

The Ikea allen key, yes! I always feel I should keep them, but never know where to put them - because if I did I'd know where the one from last time was and wouldn't need to keep the new one anyways. When I happen to come across one it reminds me of how disorganised all my shit it and that there are another 15 somewhere

ClaireyH said...

That panadol thing sat on my kitchen bench for months!

I didn't want to send it to land fill, but what does one do with such things.

I sent it to land fill.

Thea said...

With that many allen keys....I'm betting you've been to IKEA once or twice! hehehe

Maxabella said...

I love you, Bern. Because I have absolutely nothing to say about writing a manuscript (although I really enjoyed your post) and because I somehow missed one of your fab posts (you are absolutely a favourite)...

There is another person out there with 47 allen keys and that is all I need to know. x