Geez kids are good writing fodder but sometimes, just sometimes, I wish mine were a little more, well, vanilla.
Here’s the thing. You think you instil all kinds of ideals in your kids as they are growing up. You try and you do your best to make sure they are polite. That they brush their teeth. You teach them not to pick their bums and eat their snot in front of the general public and then you push them into the big wide world of school and hope to God there is nothing you’ve forgotten to make clear.
TRADING KISSES FOR A BIT OF AN ICEBLOOCK IS PROBABLY QUITE INGENIOUS, BUT ILL ADVISED.
So Jack has only been at ‘big’ school a week. One frickin week and already the other parents are using their high pitched voices and saying “OOhhhh, so THIS is Jack” Lucy, Amelia, Isobel etc etc hasn’t stopped talking about him”. Then “You know he’s been getting bites of icypoles in exchange for kisses don’t you?” Um. No. No I didn’t. Because if I did, I WOULD HAVE GIVEN HIM A DOLLAR TO BUY HIS OWN.
So yeah, seems after he was knocked back after just simply ASKING for a bite of an ice block, he thought he might negotiate. And negotiate with the only currency he was sent to this great earth with, his charm. He offered a kiss. She accepted. BINGO, iceblock secured.
Lucy’s mum was pretty cool about it but suggested that I give him a dollar for the canteen next time. I, blushing, nodded and sat Jack down for a little talk.
IT’S PROBABLY NOT COOL TO PULL YOUR PANTS DOWN IN FRONT OF FOUR GIRLS IN ART CLASS. UNLESS IT’S LIFE DRAWING. AND YOU’RE THE INVITED MODEL.
You know, sometimes I think Jack is about 11 years before his time. It’s like he was born riding a motorbike and rolling his own cigarettes.
So it was Friday, end of the week. Not only that, it was just about time for the ‘Meet the other Prep Parents/Teacher night’. I rocked up to find Jack helping ‘Suze’ as he called her, set up for the night. There was good beer and Champagne in piccolos on ice – how very civilised! That’s when I got the nod from Jack’s teacher to follow her. My heart sank.
“We need to have a chat about Jack’s behaviour when you get a chance”
“Is now a good time?” Me, hoping against hope that it was a completely shit time.
“Oh sure, well it’s not really in class, just something one of the girl’s mums said to me” And that's when she mouthed and simultaneously mimed, “Pulling his pants down” She then said in a too friendly voice “How about I email you hmmm?”.
And I never did get to taste the Piccolo Champagne.
So today, I get an email outlining a few incidences where Jack decided he might just take his pants down as what I wish was an attempt at being the subject for some nude life drawing as opposed to what it really was – proudly showing off his doodle.
Yeah, so this is hearsay, no adult actually saw this, but apparently the evidence is pretty damning. And when confronted, he cracked. I asked him simply what he was tyring to do. His response? “I was just trying to make magic!”
So tonight I penned a response to an email I never imagined getting. And then we sat down with Jack and had the talk. The stop being a dirty little perve talk. Not in so many words, but we did have to recognise that he does have a little bit of an obsession with girls and kissing. Which I know, I know, is normal and healthy but yeah, if I had a 5 year old daughter and she was being confronted with that kind of junk (pun intended) at school, I’d be a little freaked out too.
So, yeah, out of all the things I thought I had prepared my children for, this wasn't one of them. Maybe I’m getting all this in reverse and he’ll be a model teenager. Feel free to laugh at me.
Oh and Happy St Valentine’s Day. Whether you believe in it or not, it doesn't hurt to spread a little love...
|Butter. Contrary to everything, it certainly DOES melt in his mouth.|