Thursday, March 29, 2012

DINNER AND SHOW PACKAGE - UNEXPECTED!




Oh LOOK! It's not us.



A Family Holiday. Sounds idyllic doesn’t it?  I can just picture us now. There’s my husband, having a quiet chuckle watching our three children bury each other in the sand as they laugh with gay abandon. There’s me, rocking a pants suit looking JUST like Jennifer Hawkins, laying quietly beside him on the rolling sand hill, sipping a Mai Tai.

Reality Check.


For a start, I don’t own and therefore will never rock a pantsuit, secondly, my children cannot physically come into contact without degenerating into some variation of Wrestlemania. So this was a dream - at best.


See the thing is, I feel like we’ve been doing family holidays wrong.  For a start, they really couldn’t be considered holidays. They’ve never been more than 3 days in duration and we have been so close to our own home, that we may as well just have just hooked up Foxtel, ordered some overpriced takeout and gotten someone to come in each day and turn down our beds, hospital corner style.


Wait, I lie, we did get away a couple years ago with my best friend, her husband and two girls. Again, I believe 3 nights. Again, we stayed in our home town, but this time, we had to take a boat to our destination.  Sounds exotic doesn’t it?  Well sure, if your idea of wallaby poo putt-putt is exotic, then yeah, I guess we were living the dream.


After being there for half a day, in our wisdom, we (myself and my girlfriend) traded time with our husbands. They went surfing and when they returned, we in turn, swapped a couple of hours in the afternoon sun lounging in the Bali Hut, overlooking the lapping water and sipping champagne. Do you hear what I’m saying, we went drinking, the men were in charge. So, I guess you can understand how bad I felt when we sauntered back into our room, half pissed, confronted with this:


Wait. That wasn't there when I saw you last 



 
Apparently Sam thought he was Tony Hawke. He had tried to ride the much coveted skateboard down a concrete path and the concrete path had decided otherwise.


There was blood. There were tears . The kids were flipping out and did I mention there was a whole lotta blood?  The very thing Jeremy has been known to pass out at the sight of?  Luckily the men handled it well and we could all see the funny side by the end of the night. Did I say all?  Well perhaps Sam was less ecstatic.


That was on day one.


Day two saw the kids feet get cut up by the glass “jewels” that outlined the dolphin at the bottom of the pool. It also saw Lilly and Grace have an unfortunate head butting incident on the pool slide that meant the tooth fairy made an impromptu visit to the island with much fanfare. Add to that, the fact that it was preferable to sleep outside on the balcony having the blood sucked out of us by ten thousand mosquitoes, than sweat it out in the air-condtioner-less room and I think you’re getting the gist.



Man Parenting - 101



But of course it’s on checkout where the real pain begins. Being on holidays, no matter where you are, it’s all about getting loose and if available, racking it up on the room charge. And didn’t we rack that shit up. Breakfast, lunch and dinner, we ate like kings. Of course there was no alternative, they did kind of have the market cornered, but we were like the Titantic, we were unstoppable. 


Hello two thousand dollar room charge for three days worth of meals and overpriced alcohol.  


After we repaid our national debt, we were allowed to leave the island and get back on the boat that afternoon. We dodged the wallaby poo, dragged our luggage through the soft sand and loaded 5 very tired and irritable children onto the boat.  


Of course it was only natural that the best way to end the holiday was for Bonnie, my best friend, to fall off the boat and nearly break her leg. In her last ditch attempt to flash her bits to the rest of us, she flipped off the boat and in turn sent her legs into places they’ve never been before and are unlikely to ever to return to again. Dinner and Show package – Unexpected!


But here’s the thing, you ask any one of those 5 children what was the best holiday they’ve ever been on, and they will all emphatically swear it was that one.  They hung out together, they swam, they slept over in each other’s rooms, they watched dodgy TV’s with little reception and they covered each other’s sunburn in aloe vera each night, all while talking excitedly about the day’s events.   


And us, the adults?  The memories are irreplaceable. Holidaying five stars or holidaying under the stars, it’s all about the company you’re in.  



Tuesday, March 13, 2012

HEY BOB KATTER - STFU




Okay, I am a born and bred Queenslander and I have this to say: Bob Katter. What a mad bastard.


Sure, this is stating the obvious, but out there, are people who agree with him. And agree that same sex marriage is wrong. And should never be allowed. And now, Mr Katter, through his tv advertising campaign, has made it abundantly clear that his party, the “Australia Party” is against any person of the same sex, marrying.

WHY?

Here’s what I want to hear. I want to hear from someone opposed to  Same Sex marriage, why you care. I want you to tell me why, if Beryl and Betty from number 102 decide they want to write some hideously corny vows, drop a truckload of cash on an overpriced function room and dance the funky chicken, what you think will ACTUALLY happen? Rapture? Armageddon?  End of the world as we know it?


More importantly, I want to know how you think this will actually impact your day to day life. Like how, when grabbing your daily coffee from your local coffee shop, if Gary and Dave from work hire a a stretch Hummer, invite 135 of their closest friends and family and declare their undying love for each other in front of a marriage celebrant and then set off some fuck-off fireworks to round out their night, how your daily coffee would taste any different.
 
So I Googled. Unrelated: I wish I had had Google in Year 12. I would have blitzed that shit.


Behold: Per searches through the Internet I present you: The top 7 reasons why people who are the same sex, should NOT get married. You will note the responses in red are SARCASTIC.  And until they devise a suitable sarcasm font, I will provide you this in red.

 
01) Being gay is not natural. Because real Australians always reject unnatural things like spectacles, polyester, and air conditioning.

02) Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay. Just in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.

03) Legalising gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behaviour. I bet  People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.

04) Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage is allowed; the sanctity of marriages like Britney Spears’ 55-hour marriage would be destroyed.

05) Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn’t be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren’t full yet, and the world needs more children.

06) Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.

07) Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That’s why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.


You know, I watched ‘The Help’ the other night and although this was highly Hollywoodised (shutup, that is totally a word), it had quite the message. Being that once upon a time, it was acceptable to ostracise black people and treat them as less. I’m not sure how or why exactly it became ‘not okay’ to do this. I guess it was just a slow burning menace that eventually erupted.


What I do know is that just like I was quite disgusted in the way we have treated situations in our past (the stolen generation as an example), our children, my children and theirs, will be appalled and baffled why same sex marriage was even an issue. Equally baffling, why Kyle Sandliands was constantly rewarded for being such a complete dickhead.

I think perhaps it starts with us. Telling our children it is perfectly natural to be attracted to and love who they love, regardless of their sex. Because at the end of the day, it’s all about being happy, and we are happiest when we can be with the ones with love. Pretty Simple really.

So shut the fuck up Bob Katter. You ignorant arsehole.