Monday, August 13, 2012

ON YOUR MARKS, GET SET, DANG IT








So the Olympics are over and I for one will probably not really miss them. Often it just meant that Eddie McGuire was on my television more than he already is and no one wins in that situation - especially not Australia.


But it got me to thinking, being quite the uncoordinated physical underachiever that I am, what kind of sport I would have a shot at winning gold in. I’ve said it more than once that if procrastination ever becomes an Olympic sport I’d do my country proud. Although I’d probably find a way to put off competing, so there's that. But THEN I realised that there is a level playing field so many of us have already been trained in, usually unwittingly, but that would make us all strong contenders none the less.

I present - The Parenting Olympics.

Possible events include but not limited to:

Lego Hurdles

Like regular hurdles but instead of landing on grass, the competitor has to land on scattered Lego. Barefoot. For an added degree of difficulty, these pieces will be mostly upturned and of the sharp rectangular variety. Instant disqualification if a profanity is not used upon impact.


Child Weight Lifting

This is an event whereby the competitor must attempt the clean and jerk on a child that is almost comatose in their car seat after midnight. This will be held after a massive night of running around at a BBQ in the hot sun and having eaten their bodyweight in cheezels and soft lollies. Points are awarded for delivering said child into their bed with zero head collisions with either the car door frame or the top of the bunk bed and then getting them tucked in, totally asleep. If a child awakes at any stage, points are deducted.


The broken Sleep Marathon.

Competitors are woken from an established sleep in such a way they initially have no freaking idea where they are. They are then handed a crying baby that cannot and will not be soothed for at least 25 minutes. After the baby is fed, burped, changed and placed back down to sleep, they themselves are allowed to lay back down to sleep. In 30 minutes, the above situation is repeated. There are no winners in this event.

Motor Boating

Okay, this genuinely was an Olympic Sport once although I’m pretty sure it had a different meaning back then. In my version, whoever gets their child to laugh the longest by continuously making the motor boat noise on said child’s stomach, thigh or chubby inner arm wins.


Shooting – of Photographs

The mission: To capture the perfect family portrait. To win gold one must a) have all children looking at the camera in unison. That’s it.


Change Room Wrestling

Each participant starts with a suspended plastic change table located inside a Baby Change room in some godforsaken Suburban Megaplex. Each athlete must change their child’s nappy whilst simultaneously pinning said thrashing child down with one arm while trying to obtain a baby wipe which for some inexplicable reason, is located at the bottom of the nappy bag. The winner will be determined as the one that presents a fully changed child with all of the press studs done up in the correct order of a bonds suit in the shortest period of time.


Of course no Olympics would be complete without an apt Closing Ceremony. But the Parenting Olympics would sadly be devoid of fancy rock bands and comedy sketches by brilliant comedians. Instead, the parade would be full of children attempting to break dance in front of their parent's feet while refusing to eat the perfectly good meal they've just been handed and then crop dusting all and sundry within a one kilometre radius. 

This would be followed shortly after by all participants taking part in synchronized alcohol consumption.  


What's a parenting Olympic event you'd like to see for real?